I went for a job interview yesterday.
The interviewer asked me what my biggest weakness was.
I said, “My honesty.”
He said, “I don’t think that’s a weakness.”
I said, “I don’t care what you think.”
I got sacked from my job as a theatre designer.
I left without making a scene.
Because of the hot weather over the next few days, my boss has said we can bring shorts in!
Jack Daniels it is then!
My boss said to me today, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed so far?”
I said, “It’s hard to keep track…”
I used to have a job at a stationary firm, but I resigned. I felt it wasn’t going anywhere.
At an interview..
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”,
Me: “Not very good with numbers”
I used to work at a cat shelter but I had to quit.
They reduced meowers.
I saw someone waving but I wasn’t sure if they were waving at me or someone else.
Don’t think I’m cut out to be a lifeguard…
I went to my boss’s funeral …
I kneeled down next to the coffin and whispered, “who is thinking outside the box now?”
Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher.
I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order.
The boss reckons I am dishlexic.
People keep telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Damn, I meant to post this somewhere else.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…
Especially when his name is Steve.
I start my new job as an apprentice bell ringer later this morning…
It’s my first day, so they’ll just be showing me the ropes.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl…””
There are no such things as problems!, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok.. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I don’t like to talk about my years spent working as a cinema usher.
I was in a dark place at the time.
I got court martialed by the Army after I stole ice cream, trifle, and fruit salad.
I was found guilty of being a desserter…
I have a new job transporting shallots on slow-moving boats along canals.
I’m an onion bargee…
As a funeral director, I tie the shoelaces together of the deceased.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way.
I think, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
I got a promotion at the farm.
I’m the new CIEIO.
A co-worker named Celcius recently retired from my company, so they hired a guy called Kelvin to replace him.
He’s the new temp.
I took a new teaspoon into work today.
It caused quite a stir.
I’ve got a new job as a litter picker.
I’ve not been given any training though!
I’m just picking it up as I go along.
I’ve started a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I used to work in a bookshop and I was asked for a copy of ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’.
The customer said; “Can you wrap it?”
I’ll give it a go sir… It was da best o’ times, it was da worst o’ times…
I went for a job interview today and was asked to describe myself in three words.
“Violent when disappointed”
I hope to get hired tomorrow.
I’ve lost my job at the farm collecting eggs from chickens.
I’ve been laid off.
I went for an interview for a job today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who’s responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
I’ve got a new job working shift work making chess sets.
I’m on Knights next week.
“Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life” my boss told me.”
“It got me to the ‘International Sarcasm’ finals in Chile in 2009.”
Went for a job as a potato packer…
Ended up getting the sack.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only two of us on the production line…
So I have to make every second Count.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
People have often asked me why I wanted to become a film editor.
Well, to cut a long story short…
I knew I was destined to be a psychologist, not a magician when I pulled a habit out of a rat.
Interviewer: “What do you consider one of your best strengths?”
Me: “I can perform under pressure.”
Interviewer: “That’s fantastic! Can you give me an example?”
Me: “Sure.(clears throat..).. mm ba ba deUm bum ba deUm bu bu bum da dePrrressure pushing down on me..”
I got a new job with the Samaritans last week.
I tried to phone in sick this morning but they talked me out of it!
I should never have agreed to take that job trimming the hedges at Hampton Court maze…
I’m not sure I can get out of it now.
The job interviewer asked why they should give me the waiter’s job.
I said, “I bring a lot to the table”.
The female caretaker in my office block asked whether I would hang out with her and smoke marijuana….
I said no, I can’t deal with a high-maintenance woman…
I was at a job interview today.
The interviewer said to me, “On your CV, it says that you’re a man of mystery.”
I said, “That’s correct.”
He said, “Would you like to elaborate?”
I said, “No.”
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me,
“How many potatoes would you like Andy?”
I said, “Ooh, I’ll just have one please”.
She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite”
“Alright,” I said “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow”
At long last, I got the job as Lighthouse Manager.
It took me ages to get to the top.
I’ve just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.
The hours are terrible, but apparently, the celery is good.
I’ve started a boat-building business in my attic.
The sails are going through the roof.
I used to have a job collecting leaves.
I was raking it in.
I’ve decided to start a magazine dedicated to ice cream!
I’ve just had my first scoop!
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
I went for an interview at IKEA.
The manager greeted me by saying “come in, make a seat.”
My boss yelled and said, “You’ve been late 5 times this week do you know what that means?”
Apparently “It’s Friday” wasn’t the correct answer
It’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow.
I’m already dreading it…
When I was a lumberjack I chopped down exactly 3,625 trees.
I know this because every time I chopped one down I kept a log.
I’m gonna get a job cleaning mirrors.
It’s just something I could really see myself doing.
School days, I remember them well.
Footy at dinner, crafty fag round smokers’ corner, snogging the girls behind the bike shed…
Bloody miss that caretaker job.
I quit my job to start a cloning business and it’s been great…
I love being my own boss.
Most people are shocked when they find out…
How incompetent I am as an electrician.
I used to work in a Russian napkin factory…
I was in the serviette union…
I’ve started my new job as a settee salesman today..
Sofa so good
At a job interview, I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.
“No, I always give 110%”
So my wife told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
Well, I’ve got some news for her.
I finally was able to open my shoe store for only large-sized shoes.
Let me tell you, it was no small feet.
I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups.
I’ve got to go to the police station later to look at some mugshots…
I started my own all-natural fertilizer company recently.
I guess that makes me an entremanure!
Despite zero experience, I’m opening a BBQ restaurant next to the courthouse.
It’ll be Trial by Fire.
I’ve decided to become a maths teacher, but I’m only going to teach subtraction.
I just want to make a difference.
My business making clothes out of cheese has gone bust…
Turns out that fromage frays.
I’ve had to close down my business making worktops.
It was counter productive.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today…
After months of unemployment and bad luck, I’ve just been offered a job in a telescope factory.
Things are really looking up.
I’ve got a job organising opera singers within my local region…
I’m the aria manager.
I’ve opened up a shop selling uncaged birds.
They are flying off the shelves!
I’m against picketing, but I’ve got no way to show it.
I’ve started a business selling prayer mats which are also trampolines…
Prophets are going through the roof.
I’ve been for an interview to train as an underwater escapologist…
They said they’ll get back to me but I’m not holding my breath.
“I’ve just got a job as a conductor on a ghost train”
“Brilliant! How’s it going?”
“Oh, it’s tickety boo, thanks.”
My sign shop is running low on stock.
I can’t see a Way Out.
‘I used to play a musical instrument on cruise ships’.
My ventriloquist dummy has left me after 25 years.
It was a complete golt out of the glue.
I’ve been appointed Gary Barlow’s personal chiropractor on a lifetime contract!
I’ve got his back for good!
I got sacked from my job at the Rich Tea factory.
They said I took the biscuit.
I applied for a job looking after the Australian marsupials at the zoo…
However, I didn’t possess the necessary koalafications…
I’ve only got a couple of hours left to finish weaving this blanket.
It’s a looming deadline.
I couldn’t get my phone to work this morning, so I took the bus instead.
Didn’t like being a bus driver.
I was convinced people were talking behind my back.
I just got sacked from my job at the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
I lost my job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences.
I was always giving rave reviews.
I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refused to be spoken to in that tone.
I decided that being a shepherd isn’t for me.
Every time I try to count my flock, I fall asleep.
I gave up my job as a taxi driver.
I kept driving my customers away.
I had to give up my job at the dress alteration company.
Apparently, I didn’t turn up enough.
Went for a job as a blacksmith.
Chap asked me if I had ever shoed a horse.
I said, “no, but I’ve told a donkey to go away”.
I made a name for myself whilst working in the Deed Poll office.
I quit my job at the coffee shop.
Couldn’t stand the daily grind.
I gave up ploughing because I was stuck in a rut.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
I lost my job at a fish bait company.
I opened a whole can of worms.
I got a new job as a chiropodist and found the first day really difficult.
I guess I was still finding my feet.
Someone I know has got a job writing a new dictionary.
I’ve asked him to put a word in for me.
I want to give up being a postman to become a comedian, but my delivery is awful.
I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect…
Then they fried me for no raisin.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
Being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job…
But at least it puts food on the table.
Went for a job interview on a building site mixing sand, gravel, and cement.
I think I got the job but nothing is concrete yet…
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I’m a professional counterfeiter.
Look, I even have the documents to prove it.
I just graduated as a Veterinarian.
My first patient was a cat who said “Meow”
I said “I know. But where?”
I met my wife at the glue factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.
Just been offered a job in the south of France…
I thought “Why not? I’ve got nothing Toulouse.”
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the logo below…. (thanks in advance)