Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
If the number 666 is considered evil…
Is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?
My mate works in a pub and likes to dress up as Mother Theresa.
It’s the best fancy dress costume I’ve ever seen, bar nun.
My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.
He’s a catholic converter.
In order to make a relationship work you have to make a lot of sacrifices….
Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden.
My parents treat me like a god…
They don’t believe in me.
Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.
Because owning Christians isn’t legal, obviously.
My friend ate some pages from a bible and now he’s ill with psalmonella poisoning…
I start my new job as an apprentice bell ringer later this morning…
It’s my first day, so they’ll just be showing me the ropes.
What has a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A black coat, white collar, and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk.
But I never had the chants.
I’ve just found a wallet with £20 in it. I wasn’t sure how to proceed, but then I thought, “What would Jesus do?”
So I turned it into wine.
I’ve just invented a perfume made from holy water.
Eau my God.
I’ve just found out that I’m being kicked out of the druids!
So ungrateful, after all the sacrifices I made for them too…
And the Lord said unto John “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The first computer can be dated back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte, then everything crashed…
“Jesus loves you” is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Had lunch yesterday at an excellent Christian restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do takeaways.
An insect flew into our kitchen last night, flew around and then exploded.
I think it was a jihadi long legs.
Just had some people at my door trying to convince me that ‘brown bread’ was better than ‘white bread’..
They were Hovis witnesses.
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in prison now.
A bloke knocked at my door and said, “Can I come in your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?”.
I think he was a Je-hoover’s witness…
Took my car in for a service yesterday…
The vicar at the church was not impressed…
My wife asked me ‘What are the chances I will get accepted into a convent if I lose weight?’
I said ‘slim to nun’
FUN FACT!
Did you know that the patron saint of checking if your bread rolls are ready to come out of the oven is St John the Bap Test…?
Turned down a job emptying laundry baskets at the local monastery as I didn’t want to pick up any dirty habits.
Plan ahead – It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in Gosh.
How does the pope buy things on eBay?
He uses his papal account.
Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over & whispered: My bottom is going to sleep.
‘I know,’ replied the other, ‘I heard it snore three times.’
I’ve started a business selling prayer mats which are also trampolines… Prophets are going through the roof.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I used to enjoy dressing up as a nun occasionally, but now I can’t seem to get out of the habit…
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in hot oil.
I asked him “Are you the friar?”
He replied “No, I’m the chip monk…”
Praying mantises don’t all follow the same religion.
They’re in sects.
When Noah wanted to check how many bees he had, he had a look in the arc hives.
I wondered if Noah liked blueberry pies, then I realised he preferred pears.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said,”I think I’m going to call it a day.”
I said to my mate “Do you believe in reincarnation?”
He asked “Come again?”
I said “Yep, that’s it…”
In the bible, Samson was a tough man but his father Samsonite was a real hard case….
And that’s not all …
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