Joke of the Day: Countries

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’

I really don’t want to see puns about French eggs on Twitter anymore.

Un oeuf is un oeuf.

How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code.

The Norwegian navy has started putting barcodes on their ships.

So they can scan da navy in.

I failed my Greek mythology exam last week…

I think my lack of revision was my Achilles elbow.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said “No”.

Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland?

Disneyland…

If you don’t sniff the air and go ‘Ooh – someone’s having a barbecue!’, are you even British?!

Nice surprise bumping into my old French teacher yesterday.

She asked what I was up to these days and I said that I like to go swimming with my friend and there’s a cat on the chair…

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They’re both Paris sites.

Why is a German stone intelligent?

it’s not just a stone, it’s ein Stein.

What was Oman called before it officially become a nation?

Oboy.

My flight back from Gibraltar to Glasgow has just been canceled.

Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place…

The doctor I’m seeing for my bad back is Egyptian.

He’s a Cairo-practor.

I gave my French wife a pendant with “le monde” carved in.

It means the world to her.

In Iran everyone is afraid of spiders, but in Iraq, no phobia…

If I owned a German car dealership in Texas I would definitely call it “Audi Partner”…

My mate failed his aboriginal music exam.

I asked him, “Did you redo it?”

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported…

We don’t have Oleg to stand on.

Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

An Australian marsupial hops into a bar and the barman says, “Wallaby?

The marsupial says, “I’ll have a pint, please.”

I keep dreaming that I’m swimming along a river in Paris.

I think I’m going insane…

My mate Simon has moved away to Ho Chi Minh City…

That’s Si gone…

Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?

His name is Juan O’Clock.

My friend said I couldn’t make up any puns about Cuba.

I said “You’re Havana laugh mate!”

Just found out I’ve failed my online German exam.

Sacre bleu!

Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?

And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands.

There are no canaries there either.

Did you hear about that French cheese factory that exploded?

There was nothing left but de brie.

“I went to a karaoke bar in South East Asia once…”

“Singapore?”

“Yeah, they were all rubbish.”

Was a bit worried, I thought I was stung by a suspicious Russian wasp yesterday…

Turned out it was a only cagey bee…

I would get so excited in French lessons that sometimes a little “oui” would come out.

My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her

Iris.

Ancient Egyptian architect: “Do you know how to build a pyramid?”

Ancient Egyptian builder: “Well, err yeah, up to a point.”

Just been offered a job in the south of France…

I thought “Why not?, I’ve got nothing Toulouse.”

My wife kept saying I should treat her like a princess.

So I forced her to marry an old guy she’s never met to secure an alliance with the French.

People always ask me where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend more often lately…

It means a lot to him.

Why does the Dalai Lama go to Vegas so often?

He loves Tibet.

I think my spell Czech is broken.

The World Lumberjack Championships has just finished.

It was won by tree fellers from Ireland.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, and surprised everybody.

It was a Chinese restaurant.

I said to this Chinese waiter, ‘Look, this chicken I got here is cold.’

He said, ‘It should be, it’s been dead two weeks.’

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.

I always see Himalayan there.

What do you call a Welshman with a biscuit on his head?

Dai Gestive.

I had my driveway relaid yesterday by a lovely Scottish chap.

I’d just like to say, ‘Ta, Mac…’

My Spanish bodybuilder friend told me he’s run out of protein powder…

I thought “no whey Jose’!”

What’s a specimen?

An Italian astronaut!

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant.

We found a match in Argentina.

The operation was a success.

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

My local greengrocer has won a contract to supply root vegetables to the South African rugby team…

I thought ‘That’s a turnip for the Boks.’

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair…

Some Chinese bloke pushed a little boat through my letterbox this morning…

Turned out to be junk mail.

What country doesn’t take cash or credit?

The Czech Republic.

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant.

My friend Jack Hughes just got a job as a prosecutor in France…

I went to Kyoto for the ‘World Anagram Championship’…

Turns out it was in Tokyo.

My wife is kicking me out because she’s fed up with my South American animal puns…

‘OK,’ I said, ‘Alpaca my bags.’

The CEO of Ikea was elected President of Sweden this week.

He’s still assembling his cabinet…

Where do sharks go on holiday?

Finland.

How do Mexicans stay warm?

They use chickens for heaters.

Two cold Eskimos in a kayak..

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank..

Proving once & for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

It’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow.

I’m already dreading it…

“I was running away from an erupting volcano and I tripped up on a rock!”

“Krakatoa?”

“No but I twisted my ankle…”

Breaking News The Irish fencing team have withdrawn from the Olympics already!!

They’ve ran out of creosote.

I decided to trace my pet frogs ancestry…

Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.

I’m struggling with these shoes I bought from East Asia..

They came with two pairs of laces but I can only Taiwan…

Bob The Builder has emigrated and set up a new business on a French Mediterranean island…

Can he fix it?

Corsican!

I recently attended a concert in Hawaii to celebrate the career of the woman who sang “Shout!”.

I went to honour Lulu…

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.

He said he couldn’t complain.

What moisturiser do Spanish bullfighters use?

Olay.

I used to work in a Russian napkin factory…

I was in the serviette union…

I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

I applied for a job looking after the Australian marsupials at the zoo…

However I didn’t possess the necessary koalafications…

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my constant puns about Africa.

Kenya believe that?

Ghana miss her if she goes…

I wanted to communicate with a Native American, but I didn’t know how.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

Whenever I eat eggs benedict it reminds me of the time I lived in the Netherlands…

Those were my Holland days…

What do you call your average ancient Greek?

Mediocrates.

I got the best score in ‘Caribbean darts’…

100 and Haiti !!!

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

The people of Dubai don’t watch the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do.

Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

Why Did The Mexican Push His Wife Off The Cliff ?

Tequila !

Someone’s smashed up all the Chinese dumplings I was going to have for my dinner…

It was an act of wonton destruction.

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice.

My gondolences.

Yesterday was awful!

First I got into fight with a man dressed as Shakespeare, then I almost choked on a German sausage.

It just went from bard to wurst.

I was in Tesco on Guernsey the other day, I asked “Where are the beans?”

They said “On the next aisle”.

So I popped over to Jersey…

Why do people normally only have a single egg for breakfast in France?  

Because one egg is an oeuf.

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a pyramid covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

It’s believed to be the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

I bought a Greek salad today. 

He was down on his luck.

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

But how am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh.

There were 2 cats who were in a swimming competition.

One was called “une deux trois”.

One was called “One Two Three”.

Which cat won the competition?

One Two Three.

Because Une Deux Trois Quatre Cinq.

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Quote of the Day: Failure

“I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

Thomas Edison

Thomas Alva Edison was an American inventor best known for his innovations in electric power generation, communication, and cinema. This quote reminds us of the old adage “If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again!” I love the humility of this successful man who suggests he has not triumphed 10,000 times, but still will not admit failure. If you haven’t found success in 10,000 attempts, then 10,001 may be your number. Keep going!

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Golden Nuggets

A metaphor on how we see things and how we feel things

In the deep dark wild west somewhere near the end of the gold rush there was a river and on either side of that river were two men, Bob and Jim.

Their jobs were panning for gold.

Both sides of the river had EXACTLY the same amount of gold to mud ratio, but Bob on the far side of the river each morning would wake up and groan, dreading the day….he knew it was the end of the gold rush and he KNEW there was never any gold to find……all there was….MUD….mud mud MUD!  And sigh… Off he went to another miserable, empty day of work.

Now. on the near side of the river a different man, Jim, worked….from the beginning of dawn….. He just couldn’t miss a moment of light! Up he would jump at first light and literally run to work, eager for the day to begin because …..he could find MORE GOLD!!!!

In his pan, as he deftly shook the mud away Jim found the tiniest specks of gold and carefully collected each speck until over the days the specks became the tiniest mound of gold, and each day the mound grew bigger and bigger…. And Jim couldn’t WAIT to see all the beautiful gold he had collected.

Then one day miserable, tired, and fed up as anything, Bob on the far side of the river shouted over…….. “Oi”! (he couldn’t contain his misery and contempt)…. ”Why are you so happy when this river is just full of MUD?!!

Jim looked blankly and said….. “What mud?”

The message

We all have mud in our lives. So much so that sometimes it is all too easy to miss the tiny golden nuggets we have too! We go to bed at night and we think about all the mud we have seen in the day just gone, and all the mud we have to come in the day ahead.

STOP!

Tonight when you go to bed look forward to finding the golden nuggets of your day gone by, they may be small, but they are there. Perhaps it was a friendly smile from a stranger on the bus, a lovely comment from a neighbour, or a call or text from a family member or friend. Then think about the golden nuggets that you may find tomorrow, they may be small but they are there if you search for them. Be Lucky Jim.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

Joke of the Day: Baths

Batman: “It’s been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub.”

Alfred: “Master Bruce, what’s a htub?”

I asked the hairdresser if she ever gave a henna rinse.

She said “No, but I once gave a duck a bath”.

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste.

The RSPCA have said I can’t keep my pet dolphin in the bath.

Apparently it’s not fit for porpoise.

Neil Armstrong makes it to the moon and takes 5 pictures.

Girls go to the bathroom and take 57!

Yesterday one of my best friends told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

We used to call my Grandad “Spider-Man”.

He didn’t possess any amazing superpowers, he just used to struggle to get out of the bath…

Who hides in the bathroom at parties?

The party-pooper.

Why did the burglar steal a bath?

He wanted to make a clean getaway.

Dropped my phone in the bath.

It’s syncing.

Doctor: Drink a glass of milk after a hot bath.

Patient: No doctor, I don’t think I’ll have space left.

A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.

Saw a sign for bath plugs.

I didn’t know mine was electric.

Someone has stolen all the soap from my bath.

I think it was my robber duck.

Gave my pet leopard a bath every day.

Now he’s spotless.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)