Advice of the Day: Comforting Someone Who Is Crying

When you see someone crying, ask them if it’s because of their haircut.

Seeing another person in tears can be uncomfortable. Do you offer sympathy? Give them a hug? Ask what’s wrong? The Wise Sage recommends avoiding all that emotional complexity by immediately introducing an entirely new reason for them to be upset.

Approach the distressed person with a concerned expression, glance thoughtfully at their hair and gently ask, “Is it because of your haircut?” This demonstrates that you have noticed their distress while simultaneously suggesting that their appearance is sufficiently disastrous to explain it. Few conventional counselling techniques achieve so much in a single sentence.

If they reply, “No!”, resist the temptation to apologise. Instead, look relieved and say, “Oh good. I wasn’t sure.” This ensures that although their original problem remains unresolved, they now have something completely different to worry about.

For particularly advanced emotional support, occasionally glance back at their hair during the conversation. Do not explain why. If they eventually ask, “What?”, simply reply, “Nothing… honestly.” This creates an atmosphere of uncertainty that can temporarily distract them from whatever was making them cry in the first place.

Should they reveal that they actually have just returned from the hairdresser, immediately change the subject. You have wandered into dangerous territory and no amount of Sage wisdom can save you now.

If the person begins crying even harder after your intervention, don’t assume you’ve made matters worse. Think of it as emotional multitasking. They may now be dealing with two problems simultaneously, which is technically twice as efficient.

Finally, remember that true friendship isn’t about having the right words at difficult moments. Sometimes it’s about knowing exactly which words not to say—and then saying them anyway.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for offended friends, cancelled social invitations, emergency visits to the hairdresser, or being told “THIS IS WHY NOBODY TALKS TO YOU.”

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Quote of the Day: Open Mind

“Keep an open mind, but resist following the goat simply because it looks confident.”
— The Sage

The Sage has often observed that confidence is remarkably persuasive. Put two people at a crossroads, allow one of them to stride purposefully in a particular direction, and there is a fair chance the other will follow — even if neither has the slightest idea where they are going. Apparently, the same principle applies to goats.

Keeping an open mind means being willing to listen, reconsider and accept that someone else may know something we don’t. But openness should never require abandoning judgement. Confidence is not evidence, certainty is not knowledge, and walking quickly in one direction does not necessarily mean someone knows where it leads.

The Sage therefore recommends maintaining a healthy balance between curiosity and scepticism. Listen to advice, observe what others are doing and remain open to changing direction — but make the final decision yourself. After all, the goat may look extraordinarily confident, but there is every possibility it is simply heading towards somebody’s vegetable garden.

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This Day in History – 18th August 1856

The Nightingale That Started a Libel Case

What began as an argument over a nightingale ended with insulting placards, caricatures, crowds jeering in the street and, eventually, a trial for libel at the Old Bailey. On 18th August 1856, Frederick Henry Goldsbrough and Henry Smith appeared at the Central Criminal Court following an extraordinary campaign directed against Joseph George, a Jewish man living at Whitton near Hounslow.

The trouble began when George bought a nightingale from a man named Walker. Goldsbrough subsequently claimed that the bird actually belonged to him. George did not simply refuse to return it: he said that if Walker confirmed Goldsbrough’s ownership, he would hand the bird back. During the disagreement, however, Smith subjected George to an antisemitic insult, and what should have been a fairly trivial dispute rapidly became something much nastier.

From a Bird to a Campaign of Abuse

The following day, George discovered that Goldsbrough’s cottage had effectively been turned into a public exhibition designed to ridicule him. Signs appeared bearing such phrases as “Old Clo,” “Hot pies,” “Pork,” and “Fried fish”, while a grotesque caricature was displayed under the title “The portrait of Judas Iscariot.”

But these were not merely silly signs arising from a neighbourly quarrel. The displays increasingly targeted George’s Jewish identity.

One notice declared that no Jewish person or cabman need apply. Another advertised a fictitious “Grand treat for the haymakers and strawberry pickers”, promising fried fish, peas and pork and directing people towards George’s home. Yet another offered money for “old hats, old clothes, long snouts, or any other rubbish.” There was even a separate caricature of a horse bearing the title “Portrait of Running Rein.”

The intention appears to have been not simply to insult George privately, but to make him an object of public ridicule.

And it worked.

Hooted Through the Village

George told the court that Goldsbrough had also shouted antisemitic abuse at him publicly as villagers were leaving church. He and his family began to be hooted at in the village, turning their everyday lives into an ordeal. The situation became so unpleasant that George put up a notice offering his newly built house to let, telling the court that he no longer intended to live there.

Witness Joseph Salisbury supported George’s account, confirming that after the signs appeared George and members of his family were regularly subjected to hooting.

Smith was not simply an innocent bystander to Goldsbrough’s campaign. Evidence was given that he helped return the offending boards to Goldsbrough’s cottage and assisted in hanging them up after they had been removed. Another witness recalled Smith saying that further information about George would emerge which would eventually drive him out of the village.

But Who Was Joseph George?

The trial then took an intriguing turn.

Rather than concentrating solely upon the behaviour of Goldsbrough and Smith, the defence launched into an extensive examination of George’s own past. He was questioned about his marriages, previous addresses, businesses, employment, finances and property, apparently in an attempt to undermine his character and credibility.

Even his name became an issue.

George acknowledged that his family surname was actually Joseph, making his correct name George Joseph, but explained that he had reversed the two names. Numerous other allegations and possible identities were put to him during cross-examination, most of which he denied.

Whatever questions might have existed about George’s background, however, they did not excuse the campaign mounted against him.

The Verdict

The jury found both Frederick Henry Goldsbrough and Henry Smith guilty of libel.

Goldsbrough, aged 32, received three months’ imprisonment and was required to enter into recognizances to keep the peace for twelve months.

Smith, aged 53, received rather different treatment. The jury recommended him to mercy, and he was ordered to enter into recognizances to keep the peace.

It was an extraordinary conclusion to a dispute that had begun with the ownership of one small bird.

The nightingale itself almost disappears from the story once the argument begins. What makes the case memorable is how rapidly an everyday disagreement became something much uglier: a sustained campaign of antisemitic ridicule intended to embarrass Joseph George publicly and, according to the evidence, ultimately force him from the village.

All over a nightingale.

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Advice of the Day: Cats and Dustbusters

Never hold a cat and a Dustbuster at the same time.

the sage

Cats are naturally calm, reasonable creatures who respond particularly well to sudden mechanical noises occurring six inches from their face. Unfortunately, nobody has ever explained this to the cats. The Wise Sage therefore recommends keeping all domestic cleaning appliances a safe distance from anything possessing claws and a strong sense of personal grievance.

The danger usually begins innocently. You notice some crumbs on the sofa while holding the cat. Rather than put the cat down, walk three feet and then pick up the Dustbuster, you decide to save approximately four seconds by attempting both jobs simultaneously. This is what accident investigators refer to as “the decision.”

The moment the motor starts, several things happen at once. The cat becomes approximately twelve feet long, develops twice the normal number of claws and attempts to leave the room through whichever part of your body happens to be nearest. You, meanwhile, instinctively tighten your grip, thereby convincing the cat that the vacuum cleaner attack is actually a carefully coordinated human conspiracy.

If you accidentally activate the Dustbuster while already holding the cat, do not panic. Simply place everything on the floor and retreat. Do not attempt to explain yourself. Cats have little interest in mitigating circumstances and may require several hours—and possibly chicken—to reconsider your relationship.

Advanced practitioners should also avoid vacuum cleaners, hairdryers, electric drills and anything else capable of making a cat instantly reconsider the benefits of domestication. A sleeping cat may appear relaxed, but internally it remains approximately half a second away from becoming airborne.

Should you ignore this advice, keep a first-aid kit nearby and wear clothing you weren’t particularly attached to. Above all, never laugh afterwards. Cats have excellent memories and considerably more access to your bedroom than you have to theirs.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for shredded clothing, traumatised upholstery, or waking at 3am to discover the cat sitting silently on your chest waiting for revenge.

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Quote of the Day: Faith

“Do not depend on gold to buy what only faith can give you.”
— The Sage

The Sage has often observed that money is remarkably useful, provided we don’t ask it to do jobs for which it was never designed. Gold can purchase comfort, security and opportunity, but there are limits to its reach. No amount of wealth can guarantee trust, friendship, courage or the certainty that everything will eventually turn out as we hope.

Faith occupies a very different place. It need not mean religious faith alone; it can be faith in ourselves, in another person, in humanity, or simply in the possibility that tomorrow may be better than today. These are things that cannot be bought or stored away for emergencies. They have to be nurtured, tested and occasionally held onto when there is very little evidence that doing so makes sense.

With characteristic simplicity, The Sage reminds us not to confuse price with value. Gold is excellent for acquiring possessions, but life’s greatest treasures tend to resist a price tag. When certainty disappears and money has reached the limit of what it can solve, faith often provides the strength to take the next step anyway.

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Advice of the Day: Pulling Dad’s Finger

Never pull your dad’s finger when he tells you to.

The sage

Children are naturally curious creatures, forever encouraged to explore the world around them. Unfortunately, there are certain lessons that can only be learned through bitter experience. The Wise Sage believes one of the earliest should be this: if your father smiles mischievously, extends one finger and says, “Go on… pull it,” politely decline and leave the room.

Many fathers insist this is a harmless family tradition passed down through generations. In reality, it is less a tradition and more an ambush disguised as audience participation. The unsuspecting child believes they are helping with an important experiment. What follows is a noise that physics continues to struggle to explain.

Never be distracted by reassurances such as, “Nothing will happen,” or, “Trust me.” These phrases should be treated with the same caution as “This won’t hurt a bit” and “I’ve fixed it with duct tape.” Experience shows that any adult struggling to suppress laughter is almost certainly about to become the source of your disappointment.

If you accidentally fall for the trick, resist the urge to retaliate immediately. Fathers are seasoned professionals in this field and have usually prepared several follow-up jokes in advance. Your best defence is a long, silent stare that communicates both regret and a dawning realisation that your childhood innocence has been permanently damaged.

Should your own children one day ask why Grandad keeps laughing every time someone mentions fingers, simply change the subject. Some family histories are best left undocumented.

Finally, remember that wisdom often arrives one embarrassing moment too late. The truly enlightened never pull the finger—they simply nod knowingly and back away slowly.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for shocked children, uncontrollable laughter, or family gatherings descending into a chorus of suspiciously timed sound effects.

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Quote of the Day: Uncertainty

“Do not let emotion persuade you to go where uncertainty has already warned you not to.”
— The Sage

The Sage has often observed that our strongest emotions are also our least patient advisers. Excitement can convince us that every opportunity is too good to miss, while anger whispers that immediate action will somehow put everything right. In those moments, emotion has a remarkable talent for drowning out the quieter voice of wisdom.

He has also noticed that uncertainty is not always an enemy. We are often encouraged to overcome it as quickly as possible, yet uncertainty can be a valuable companion. It invites us to pause, ask better questions and look more carefully before committing ourselves. Sometimes the feeling that “something isn’t quite right” deserves more respect than the louder emotions demanding instant action.

With gentle wisdom, The Sage reminds us that courage is not the absence of hesitation—it is knowing the difference between fear and insight. There are times to leap with confidence, but there are equally times to wait until emotion has settled and clarity has had a chance to speak. The wisest journeys begin not with impulse, but with understanding.

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Advice of the Day: Trusting Dogs

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

the sage

Dogs are many wonderful things. They are loyal, affectionate, endlessly forgiving and always delighted to see you. Unfortunately, they are also convinced that every meal within a twenty-foot radius has been prepared exclusively for them. The Wise Sage therefore advises against appointing one as guardian of your lunch.

Many people make the fatal mistake of saying, “Just watch this for a minute,” before leaving the room. The dog hears something entirely different: “Please ensure this food doesn’t become lonely while I’m gone.” By the time you return, all evidence has vanished except for a suspiciously clean plate and a dog wearing the unmistakable expression of someone who has absolutely no idea what happened.

Never be fooled by innocent eyes. Dogs have perfected the art of looking simultaneously guilty and adorable, a combination that has defeated humans for centuries. They will happily maintain eye contact while slowly moving towards your sandwich, convinced that if they approach at one centimetre per second, the theft somehow becomes invisible.

For maximum food security, remember the golden rule: if you wouldn’t hand it to the dog, don’t leave it within tongue’s reach. Kitchen worktops, coffee tables and picnic blankets are merely exciting obstacle courses. Even a sealed lunchbox is viewed not as a barrier, but as an intriguing puzzle waiting to be solved.

Some owners believe training can overcome this instinct. It cannot. A well-trained dog is simply one that waits until you’re looking the other way. The moment your attention drifts to answer the phone or put the kettle on, Operation Snack Hijack quietly begins.

If you genuinely need someone to guard your food, ask a tortoise. They may not be particularly alert, but at least they’ll still be there when you get back.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for missing sandwiches, mysteriously empty dinner plates, or discovering your dog has developed unexpectedly expensive tastes.

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Quote of the Day: Investing in Today

“The finest pension is a lifetime spent faithful to what mattered, not merely what paid.”
— The Sage

The Sage has often noticed that people spend much of their working lives preparing for retirement, carefully building a pension that promises security in the years ahead. There is wisdom in planning for the future, of course, but he gently wonders whether we sometimes become so focused on saving for tomorrow that we forget to invest in today.

He observes that the richest lives are rarely measured only in financial terms. A career may provide an income, but it also provides countless opportunities to show kindness, integrity and commitment. Those who remain faithful to their values, their loved ones and their purpose often discover that the greatest reward is not found on a bank statement, but in the memories they carry into later life.

With characteristic warmth, The Sage reminds us that retirement is not simply the end of work—it is the beginning of looking back. When that day comes, few people wish they had earned a little more if it meant caring a little less. The finest pension, he suggests, is the quiet satisfaction of knowing you gave your time to what truly mattered, rather than only to what happened to pay the most.

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This Day in History – 5th August 1723

Two Highwaymen, Two Confessions

On 5th August 1723, William Duce and James Butler were executed at Tyburn after being convicted of a series of violent highway robberies. Their final confessions, recorded by the Ordinary of Newgate, read almost like the memoirs of professional criminals, detailing robberies across London and the Home Counties and exposing the brutal world of eighteenth-century highwaymen.

William Duce was just twenty-four years old, born near Wolverhampton. He blamed the turning point in his life on a lengthy imprisonment for debt. During more than fifteen months in Newgate he fell in with hardened criminals, and upon his release quickly joined them in a succession of robberies. Speaking candidly before his execution, Duce listed offence after offence—from Chelsea Fields and St James’s Park to Tower Hill, Tottenham Court Road and Hampstead Road—naming only places, while deliberately refusing to identify several former accomplices because, he believed, they had abandoned crime and deserved the chance to reform.

Duce was particularly bitter towards John Dyer, the King’s evidence whose testimony helped secure the convictions. He described Dyer as the man who had “occasioned” his downfall, accusing him not only of betraying the gang but of keeping stolen money for himself. Yet despite this resentment, Duce’s final letter forgave Dyer completely, urging him to repent and abandon his criminal life before it ended in the same way.

James Butler’s story was even more extraordinary. Born in Soho, he had travelled the world as a sailor, serving aboard Royal Navy ships and merchant vessels, visiting Boston, New York, Martinique, Jamaica and France before drifting into London’s criminal underworld. His confession described an escalating catalogue of robberies alongside Duce, Dyer and Joseph Rice before joining an even more violent gang operating in Hampshire. There, armed robberies became increasingly savage, with innocent victims being shot simply to prevent identification. Butler admitted witnessing acts of shocking cruelty and confessed that one victim was shot twice after begging for mercy.

The pair had originally been convicted at the Old Bailey for robbing John Holmes near Chelsea on 27 April 1723, and for robbing coachman John Monk on the Hampstead Road a few days later. Butler pleaded guilty to both offences, while Duce denied involvement, unsuccessfully attempting to become a Crown witness after Dyer had already accepted that role. The evidence of victims, informers and investigators ultimately persuaded the jury, and both men were sentenced to death.

Unlike many condemned prisoners, neither man spent his final hours proclaiming complete innocence. Both acknowledged lives that had spiralled into organised crime, and Butler concluded his confession with the simple words: “I desire that Mercy of God which I refused to Man.” Their stories remain among the most revealing Ordinary’s Accounts of the eighteenth century, illustrating how debt, poverty, bad company and repeated opportunities for violence could transform ordinary young men into notorious highway robbers before ending at Tyburn.

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