Advice of the Day: Disposing of Old Strip Lights

Dispose of old strip lighting tubes by inserting them into dead snakes.

the sage

Disposing of old fluorescent strip lights can be a tiresome business. They’re long, fragile, awkward to carry and generally require a special trip to the recycling centre. Fortunately, The Wise Sage has devised a revolutionary disposal system involving one of nature’s most conveniently shaped creatures: the snake.

The principle is beautifully simple. Instead of struggling with cardboard tubes, bubble wrap and complicated waste disposal regulations, simply locate a deceased snake of approximately the same length as your unwanted light fitting. The snake’s naturally elongated design makes it appear ideally suited to accommodating awkward household objects. Once again, nature has provided a solution to a problem nobody realised it was supposed to solve.

Of course, selecting the correct snake is essential. A grass snake may be suitable for a modest kitchen fitting, while larger fluorescent tubes could require something approaching python dimensions. Attempting to accommodate a six-foot strip light in a deceased adder is likely to prove disappointing for everyone involved, particularly the adder.

The Sage recommends keeping a small selection of snakes in the shed, organised by length and clearly labelled for future reference. This eliminates the frustration of discovering that you’ve finally found a suitable reptile but have already disposed of the light fitting. As with most household maintenance tasks, preparation is everything.

There are additional benefits. Unlike cardboard packaging, a snake provides a distinctive appearance that will certainly attract attention at your local recycling centre. Simply arrive carrying your reptile-encased light tube and announce, “Electrical waste, please.” The resulting silence should give staff ample opportunity to consider their career choices.

Should the recycling attendant object, explain that you’re pioneering a new form of biodegradable electrical packaging. Use phrases such as “sustainable reptilian containment” and “nature-inspired waste management”. These sound sufficiently technical to suggest that somebody, somewhere, has approved the idea.

For advanced practitioners, different species could theoretically be used to identify different types of lighting. Grass snakes for fluorescent tubes, pythons for industrial fittings and slow worms for smaller bulbs, although the latter are technically legless lizards and may object to being included in the scheme.

There are, admittedly, a few practical difficulties. Suitable dead snakes are rarely available in convenient sizes, the resulting package may be considerably less pleasant to handle than anticipated, and your local council is unlikely to recognise reptiles as an approved form of electrical waste packaging.

In reality, fluorescent tubes should be taken intact to an appropriate recycling facility, as they may contain mercury and require specialist handling. Dead wildlife is also best left undisturbed. The Sage acknowledges these minor technicalities but maintains that the idea looks absolutely splendid on paper.

Ultimately, the true genius of this system lies in its simplicity. Why manufacture expensive protective packaging when evolution has spent millions of years producing something almost exactly the right shape?

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for horrified recycling attendants, suspicious smells in the garden shed, or being permanently banned from the local reptile society.


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Quote of the Day — Choosing your Captain

The Sage, Quote of the Day, leadership, trust, manipulation, democracy, voting, political philosophy, wisdom, critical thinking, fear, accountability, hypocrisy, integrity, power, human nature, life lessons, social commentary, daily reflection

“Never vote for a captain who promises to protect you from sharks while quietly teaching them where to find their prey.”

— The Sage

The Sage has often observed that fear is a remarkably effective tool of leadership. Convince people that danger lurks just beyond the horizon, and they may become willing to place extraordinary trust in whoever promises to keep them safe. A confident captain, a reassuring voice and a convincing description of the sharks circling beneath the waves can make even the most questionable leadership appear indispensable.

Yet there is an important difference between protecting people from danger and benefiting from their fear of it. Some leaders have an unfortunate habit of drawing attention to threats while quietly contributing to the circumstances that make those threats possible. They may present themselves as the only solution to a problem they have helped create, knowing that a frightened crew is less likely to question who has been throwing fish overboard.

The Sage therefore reminds us that good leadership should be judged by actions rather than promises. Before placing our trust in anyone who claims to offer protection, we might reasonably ask whether their decisions actually make us safer, or simply more dependent upon them. After all, a captain who continually warns of sharks while encouraging them to follow the ship may have interests rather different from those of his passengers.

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This Day in History – 9th November 1722

The Highwayman Who Returned to Watch His Victim – and the Boy Who Broke His Mother’s Heart

On 9th November 1722, two young men faced the ultimate punishment for robbery in Georgian London. One was a hardened and apparently fearless highwayman who had terrorised travellers around Westminster. The other was a homesick Irish teenager whose troubled life had led him from Dublin to Oxford and eventually to the gallows.

Their names were William Marr and John Quin.

Both had been convicted at the Old Bailey, and both featured in the Ordinary of Newgate’s Account, the chaplain’s published record of the condemned prisoners’ lives, confessions and preparations for death.

Yet their stories could hardly have been more different.

William Marr: A Highwayman Before His Twentieth Birthday

William Marr was not yet twenty years old when he faced execution.

Born into circumstances that offered at least some prospect of a respectable future, Marr had an uncle of considerable wealth who traded with India, China and Persia.

The young man apparently hoped that his uncle’s influence might secure him employment overseas, perhaps as a commercial agent or factor.

His uncle, however, had reservations.

Marr had already demonstrated a troublesome disposition, telling lies, fighting with other boys and generally behaving badly. Rather than expose him to the temptations of a life at sea, his uncle arranged an apprenticeship with a goldsmith in Wapping.

It was not a success.

Marr quarrelled with neighbours, fought other apprentices and admitted becoming too familiar with someone in his master’s household. His treatment subsequently deteriorated, and he abandoned his apprenticeship before completing his term.

Instead, he went to sea.

A Sailor with a Taste for Danger

Marr’s seafaring adventures took him to France, the Mediterranean, Messina and Sicily.

He claimed to be exceptionally hardy, able to endure terrible weather on deck with his waistcoat unbuttoned, his chest exposed and neither stockings nor shoes upon his feet.

Ship captains apparently valued his strength and willingness to undertake difficult duties.

But his dishonesty followed him aboard.

When questioned by the Ordinary, Marr admitted stealing small articles from fellow sailors, although he claimed that only once had a captain discovered his behaviour.

According to Marr, the captain overlooked the offence because of his exceptional work.

Within a year of leaving the sea, however, Marr had embarked upon a much more dangerous occupation.

He had become a highway robber.

A Lady Who Refused to Be Intimidated

One of Marr’s most extraordinary confessions concerned a robbery behind Buckingham House, the predecessor of today’s Buckingham Palace.

It was night-time, the roads were poor, and Marr stopped a hackney coach containing a gentleman and a lady.

He ordered the gentleman out of the carriage.

But the woman was not easily frightened.

She boldly informed Marr that although he might consider himself a gentleman of the road, she knew London just as well as he did, and he had made a poor choice of victims.

Marr responded by threatening her with his pistol.

The gentleman promptly climbed out, and Marr relieved him of approximately £10, a watch, a ring and other valuables.

He searched the lady for jewellery but found nothing worth stealing.

He subsequently claimed that he had allowed her to go unharmed because he believed her to be a woman of pleasure.

Whether this was genuine restraint or simply a convenient explanation is impossible to know.

The Highwayman Who Joined the Crowd

Perhaps the most remarkable incident in Marr’s account occurred later that same night.

Around midnight, he robbed another gentleman near Whitehall, forcing him through a gate into the Privy Garden.

Having taken what little the man possessed, Marr pushed him back through the gate and shut it.

The unfortunate victim began shouting for help.

Marr fled through King Street.

But instead of disappearing into the darkness, he did something extraordinarily audacious.

He returned to the scene of the robbery.

A crowd had gathered around the victim, including two sentinels and a soldier.

Marr quietly joined the spectators, peering over their shoulders to observe the commotion he had caused.

Nobody recognised him.

He then walked away, apparently entirely unnoticed.

It was an astonishing display of nerve, particularly from someone still in his teens.

Pistols in St Martin’s Lane

Marr’s adventures became increasingly reckless.

On another evening, he robbed a pedestrian of his hat, wig and money before joining companions who had learned that several ladies of rank would be travelling from Kensington to St James’s.

The gang waited near Piccadilly, hoping to intercept their coaches.

Their plan failed when the carriages crossed from one park into another, avoiding the intended ambush.

Marr then continued towards St Martin’s Lane, where he robbed another gentleman of approximately thirty shillings.

This time, however, his victim raised the alarm.

A crowd pursued him through the streets.

Marr turned into a court, only to discover that it was a dead end.

Trapped, he turned to face his pursuers, holding a pistol in each hand.

Someone struck his left arm with a heavy stick, causing him to drop one pistol, which discharged as it hit the ground.

Marr fired the other.

The crowd scattered.

Once again, he escaped.

Even a Highwayman Had His Limits

Marr also described an encounter involving an associate known as Casey the Soldier.

The two men and another companion were standing near a wall in Whitehall when Marr spotted a potential victim.

He suggested that they rob the approaching man.

Before Marr could act, Casey knocked the stranger to the ground.

Marr claimed to have been furious.

He protested that he was perfectly capable of robbing someone without murdering them.

He then walked away from his companions.

It is an extraordinary distinction for a man who routinely threatened people with loaded pistols, but it reveals something of the peculiar moral boundaries Marr wished to present to the prison chaplain.

Of course, these were Marr’s own accounts, and we cannot independently establish every detail.

The Robbery That Finally Brought Him Down

For all his elaborate adventures, Marr’s eventual conviction concerned a comparatively modest robbery.

On the evening of 21st September 1722, Michael Paxton was walking between the Horse Guards and the Admiralty Office in Westminster.

At approximately eight o’clock, someone knocked him to the ground and stole his hat, worth five shillings, and his cane, also valued at five shillings.

Marr was subsequently apprehended.

When Paxton visited him in custody, Marr admitted the robbery but begged him not to prosecute, claiming that he intended to provide evidence against other criminals.

There was a second charge.

Earlier that same evening, Marr had stolen a laced hat worth four shillings from the shop of Mary Sedgwick.

The stolen hat was recovered at the guardhouse.

Constable Thomas Walker testified that Marr had admitted both offences.

Marr attempted to undermine the confession by claiming that he had been drunk when he made it.

The witnesses disputed this.

The jury found him guilty.

His extensive history of highway robbery, much of it revealed through his own subsequent confessions, now stood in stark contrast to the relatively small value of the property involved in his conviction.

John Quin: The Homesick Boy from Ireland

The second condemned prisoner, John Quin, presented a very different picture.

He was not yet eighteen.

Born approximately eight miles from Dublin, Quin was the son of a dairyman who had ensured that he received an education.

After his father’s death, his mother apprenticed him to a tailor.

But Quin was desperately homesick.

He repeatedly ran away from his apprenticeship, sometimes spending entire nights in the streets in the hope that his mother would become worried and bring him home.

She did.

She arranged another apprenticeship, but the same pattern continued.

Before she could find him a third occupation, she died.

Quin later reflected bitterly upon his behaviour, believing that the distress he had caused his mother might have contributed to his eventual misfortunes.

There were also family difficulties involving his sister, whose relationship with a gentleman had apparently caused their mother considerable unhappiness.

After his mother’s death, Quin received only £7 of the £60 he said she had left.

Eventually, he decided to seek out his brother, who was serving as a soldier in England.

Travelling with a group of Chelsea pensioners, he crossed to England and eventually found employment in Oxford, looking after horses belonging to the butler of Queen’s College.

He remained there for approximately two years.

Later, he moved to London and found work assisting builders.

But his life was about to take a disastrous turn.

Three Shillings and a Death Sentence

On 4th October 1722, at approximately seven o’clock in the evening, Rebecca Carter was walking in Oxendon Street.

Quin assaulted her, knocking her to the ground and snatching her pocket containing three shillings.

In the eighteenth century, women’s pockets were often separate fabric pouches tied beneath their clothing rather than sewn into garments.

Quin was convicted of the robbery and condemned to death.

The amount stolen was small, but robbery involving violence was treated with extreme severity.

While awaiting execution, Quin insisted that he had not previously been involved in criminal behaviour.

He struggled to understand how his life had reached such a dreadful conclusion.

Eventually, he attributed his fate to his treatment of his mother.

The Ordinary recorded that Quin appeared serious and earnest in his religious preparations, asking questions about the sacrament and what awaited him after death.

For a young man who had spent much of his childhood running away from home, there would be no final return.

Two Young Lives, Two Very Different Stories

The Ordinary’s account presents Marr as a bold, experienced criminal who had repeatedly escaped capture, while Quin appears as a vulnerable and unsettled young man whose actions ultimately brought him before the same unforgiving justice system.

Marr had robbed travellers at gunpoint, threatened pursuers and boasted of his extraordinary escapes.

Quin had stolen three shillings from a woman in a London street.

Both were condemned.

Their crimes were not identical, but the law treated violent robbery as a capital offence, regardless of whether the property stolen was particularly valuable.

The Ordinary recorded Marr’s intention to make his peace with God before death, while Quin appeared deeply troubled by memories of his mother.

The account leaves us with two strikingly different portraits of young men facing the consequences of their actions.

The Sage’s Reflection

There is something particularly unsettling about the ages of these two prisoners.

William Marr had not yet reached twenty. John Quin was not yet eighteen.

Marr’s story reads almost like a Georgian adventure novel, filled with pistols, daring escapes, night-time robberies and astonishing acts of bravado.

Quin’s story is quieter and infinitely sadder.

He had spent his childhood longing for home, only to discover, after his mother’s death, that the home he wanted no longer existed.

Yet both ended up in Newgate, awaiting the same punishment.

Perhaps the most revealing contrast is that Marr seemed to have spent much of his short life running towards danger, while Quin had spent his running away from responsibility.

One returned to the scene of his own robbery to watch the spectacle. The other looked back towards his childhood and the mother he had repeatedly disappointed.

Both stories remind us how little room Georgian criminal justice sometimes allowed for the distinction between an established violent offender and a young man convicted of a single desperate act.

Historical Footnote – Why Could Robbery Lead to the Gallows?

In 1722, robbery involving violence or intimidation was a capital offence under English law.

Unlike some forms of theft, highway robbery was generally excluded from the protection of benefit of clergy, the legal privilege that could spare certain offenders from execution.

Consequently, even relatively modest robberies could result in a death sentence.

The Ordinary’s Account dated 9th November 1722 discusses both Marr and Quin as condemned prisoners preparing for death. Although the account refers to Marr’s approaching execution, the extracts supplied do not independently describe the execution itself.

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Quote of the Day: The Crime of Omission

“The smallest omission can shift the meaning of the greatest truth, which is why honesty requires more than simply avoiding lies.”

— The Sage

The Sage has often observed that honesty is rather more complicated than simply ensuring the words we speak are factually correct. We can tell the truth and still leave someone with an entirely false impression. A carefully omitted detail, an inconvenient fact quietly overlooked, or a question answered without quite answering it can change the meaning of everything that remains. The words themselves may be perfectly accurate, but the picture they create can be anything but.

There is a particular danger in believing that silence carries no responsibility. We sometimes justify omissions by telling ourselves that nobody actually asked, that the information wasn’t important, or that revealing it would only complicate matters. Yet trust depends upon more than technical accuracy. When someone relies upon our honesty, they are trusting us not merely to avoid falsehoods, but to give them a fair understanding of the circumstances. An incomplete truth can be remarkably effective at concealing a complete deception.

The Sage therefore suggests that genuine honesty requires both integrity and courage. It means being willing to acknowledge uncomfortable details, even when leaving them out would make life considerably easier. Not every private thought needs to be shared, of course, but when an omission deliberately changes another person’s understanding, silence ceases to be entirely innocent. The truth should not require someone to discover what was missing before they can understand what they were told.

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Advice of the Day: The Cornflake Burglar Alarm

Create an inexpensive burglar alarm by covering your stairs in cornflakes before going to bed.

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Home security is becoming increasingly expensive. Sophisticated alarm systems, motion sensors, CCTV cameras and monthly monitoring subscriptions can cost a small fortune. Fortunately, The Wise Sage has discovered a revolutionary alternative that has been sitting in your kitchen cupboard all along: breakfast cereal. Why invest in complicated electronics when a family-sized box of cornflakes can turn your staircase into a highly sensitive, carbohydrate-based intruder detection system?

The principle is beautifully simple. Before retiring for the night, generously scatter cornflakes across every stair. Should an intruder attempt to creep upstairs, the unmistakable crunching noise will alert you to their presence. Unlike conventional burglar alarms, this system requires no batteries, electricity or complicated installation. Just remember to keep the milk somewhere else.

For maximum effectiveness, choose a cereal with excellent acoustic properties. Ordinary cornflakes provide a satisfying crunch, while Frosties offer the added advantage of making your stairs sticky enough to discourage repeat visitors. Rice Krispies are another possibility, although their famous snap, crackle and pop may cause unnecessary confusion when you’re trying to determine whether someone is breaking in or your breakfast is simply settling.

The Sage recommends conducting a trial run before relying on your new security system. Ask a family member to walk upstairs while you lie in bed listening carefully. If you can hear every footstep, congratulations! If you hear a loud crash followed by some extremely colourful language, the system is working even better than expected. You may, however, need to explain the experiment to your insurance company.

There are additional benefits to this revolutionary approach. Burglars who manage to escape detection may still leave a convenient trail of crushed cereal leading directly to their getaway vehicle. Should the police arrive, you can proudly inform them that you’ve already collected the forensic breakfast evidence.

Naturally, there are a few minor drawbacks. The family dog may consume the entire alarm before midnight, while the cat will probably spend several hours batting individual cornflakes underneath the furniture. Nocturnal visits to the bathroom also become considerably more complicated, particularly if you forget that you installed the system yourself.

For those seeking the ultimate in domestic protection, The Sage suggests combining several cereal varieties. Cornflakes for sound detection, Frosties for adhesive resistance and Weetabix for structural reinforcement. The result is a comprehensive breakfast-based security network that will leave intruders confused, neighbours concerned and your vacuum cleaner contemplating early retirement.

Finally, remember that the most effective security system is one that nobody expects. And nobody, least of all a burglar, expects to encounter the contents of a Kellogg’s variety pack halfway up somebody’s staircase.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for burglars with good balance, neighbours complaining about the noise, or discovering that half your security system has been eaten by the dog.


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This Day in History – 12th October 1693

A Swordfight, a Fatal Stabbing and a Fugitive’s Return

On 12th October 1693, Abraham Anderson appeared at London’s Old Bailey charged with the murder of Benjamin Price, who had died following a violent confrontation in Castle Street, Long Acre, six months earlier.

It was a case involving drawn swords, an exchange of insults, a fatal wound and a suspect who fled overseas, apparently believing he could eventually return to England without facing justice.

But perhaps the most surprising detail was the outcome: although Anderson was found guilty of manslaughter rather than murder, he was nevertheless sentenced to death.

A Good Friday Confrontation

The trouble began on the evening of Good Friday, 14th April 1693.

Benjamin Price and a companion named Blacker were walking along Castle Street in Long Acre when they overtook two men carrying drawn swords. They were Abraham Anderson and Benjamin Davis.

Anderson, whom the Old Bailey proceedings described simply as “a Black”, apparently took offence at something said as the men approached.

According to the prosecution, he shouted:

“Damn you, who do you call Jack-a-napes?”

The expression jackanapes was an insult implying that someone was an impertinent or conceited fellow. Evidently, Anderson believed it had been directed at him.

What might have ended as an exchange of unpleasant words quickly escalated into a confrontation.

Two Swords and One Fatal Wound

The court heard that Anderson attempted to provoke Price and Blacker into a fight.

Blacker managed to seize Anderson’s sword and wrest it from his hand. In the struggle, Anderson’s fingers were cut.

But while Anderson was being disarmed, his companion Benjamin Davis struck a far more serious blow.

Davis stabbed Benjamin Price in the abdomen, inflicting a wound six inches deep.

Price subsequently died from his injuries.

It was Davis, therefore, who was identified in the trial account as having inflicted the fatal wound, not Anderson himself.

Nevertheless, Anderson had been an active participant in the confrontation, and both men fled following the incident.

A Flight to Flanders

Anderson apparently decided that remaining in England was too dangerous.

According to his own account, he escaped to Flanders, then a region of considerable military and political importance in continental Europe.

His companion, Benjamin Davis, also disappeared and had not been apprehended by the time Anderson stood trial.

Anderson remained abroad for some time before making what proved to be a serious miscalculation.

Believing the affair had been forgotten, he returned to England.

It had not.

He was eventually arrested in Westminster, in premises described by the court as a “House of bad Repute”.

The Old Bailey record provides no further explanation of the establishment or the circumstances of his capture.

Anderson’s Defence

At his trial, Anderson presented a rather different account of the original confrontation.

He claimed that Price and his companion had insulted him and Davis, calling them “Sons of Whores”.

He insisted that he had not wanted to fight and that whatever actions he had taken were purely in self-defence.

His argument was essentially that he had been provoked and had acted to protect himself, rather than deliberately participating in a murderous attack.

He also attempted to minimise his responsibility for the death.

This was an important distinction. The evidence identified Davis as the man who actually stabbed Price, while Anderson’s involvement concerned the quarrel and the struggle with Blacker.

But the prosecution evidently persuaded the jury that Anderson bore criminal responsibility for the fatal confrontation.

Guilty – But Not of Murder

After hearing the evidence, the jury returned a verdict of guilty of manslaughter.

Anderson had escaped a murder conviction, but the result was not the reprieve that a modern reader might expect.

The court record concludes with the stark words:

“He was found guilty of Manslaughter. Received Sentence of Death.”

It is worth remembering that the distinction between murder and manslaughter did not operate in precisely the same way as it does today.

In seventeenth-century England, manslaughter was a felony for which the death penalty could be imposed. Some offenders could escape execution through the legal privilege known as benefit of clergy, but eligibility depended on the circumstances and applicable law.

The surviving account does not explain why Anderson received a death sentence or whether he subsequently obtained a reprieve.

We therefore know his conviction and recorded sentence, but not from this account whether he was actually executed.

The Sage’s Reflection

What makes this case particularly interesting is the contrast between the person who delivered the fatal wound and the man who ultimately appeared before the court.

Benjamin Davis, identified as the actual stabber, remained at large.

Abraham Anderson, who had lost his sword during the confrontation, was the man who returned to England, was arrested and received a death sentence.

There is also the tantalising detail of Anderson’s background. The court explicitly identified him as a Black man, making this a surviving example of a Black defendant appearing in London’s criminal courts in the late seventeenth century.

Unfortunately, the brief proceedings reveal almost nothing about his origins, occupation or circumstances. We cannot establish from this account whether he was born in England, arrived from overseas or had any particular connection with Flanders beyond his flight there.

His story survives largely because of a quarrel that turned deadly.

One insult, two drawn swords, a fatal stabbing and a return from exile that ended at the Old Bailey.

And in the end, it was not necessarily the man who struck the fatal blow who faced the consequences.

Historical Footnote – Why Was Manslaughter Punishable by Death?

In 1693, manslaughter was a serious felony and could attract the death penalty. However, some offenders could claim benefit of clergy, a legal privilege that had evolved from protecting members of the clergy into a means of avoiding execution for certain crimes.

Eligible first-time offenders might be branded on the thumb instead of being hanged.

The precise reason Abraham Anderson received a death sentence despite his manslaughter verdict is not explained in the surviving trial report. Nor does the account establish whether the sentence was ultimately carried out.

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Advice of the Day: Never Losing Your Place in a Book

Love reading but can never find your bookmark? Use ketchup instead.

the sage

Bookmarks are notoriously unreliable. They fall out, disappear down the sofa and mysteriously migrate into books you haven’t opened since 2014. The Wise Sage recommends replacing this outdated technology with something considerably easier to locate: a generous squirt of tomato ketchup.

The technique couldn’t be simpler. When you’ve finished reading, apply a small blob of ketchup to the page and close the book firmly. Next time you return, simply open the book at the distinctive red stain. Unlike conventional bookmarks, ketchup cannot fall out, blow away or accidentally be used as a shopping list.

For particularly long books, The Sage recommends varying the quantity according to your progress. A modest dab indicates casual reading, while a full tablespoon suggests you’re approaching an important chapter. By the final hundred pages of War and Peace, your book should resemble evidence from a particularly literary crime scene.

There are additional benefits. The distinctive tomato aroma allows experienced readers to locate their book in a darkened room using smell alone. It also discourages friends from borrowing your favourite novels, thereby solving another common problem faced by book lovers.

Libraries may initially resist the technique. If challenged by a librarian, calmly explain that you’re not damaging the book—you are installing an edible page-location system. Speaking confidently and using technical terminology is often enough to make people briefly question whether they’re being unreasonable.

Advanced readers can colour-code their collection using mustard for non-fiction, brown sauce for biographies and mayonnaise for books they started but immediately regretted. Avoid chilli sauce unless you enjoy particularly spicy plot twists.

The only significant drawback occurs when reading while hungry. Under no circumstances should you lick the bookmark. This can result in losing your place and dramatically reducing the resale value of the book.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for sticky pages, furious librarians, or discovering that your first edition now smells faintly of chips.

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Quote of the Day: Humanity

“Humanity is a thick book; place too much emphasis on one page and you’ll misunderstand the whole story.”
— The Sage

The Sage has often thought that people are rather too fond of summaries. We like neat explanations, convenient labels and conclusions that can be reached before the kettle has boiled. Humanity, unfortunately, refuses to be quite so accommodating. Its story is enormous, contradictory, occasionally magnificent and frequently rather embarrassing.

The same is true of individuals. It is easy to take one mistake, one opinion or one moment in someone’s life and place so much emphasis upon it that everything else disappears from view. Yet a single page cannot tell us what came before it, what followed afterwards, or whether the person holding the pen subsequently learned to write a better chapter.

The Sage therefore recommends reading a little further before passing judgement. Understanding requires context, patience and a willingness to accept that people are complicated. Some pages will disappoint us and others may surprise us enormously. But if humanity really is a thick book, wisdom surely begins by resisting the temptation to pretend we have understood the entire thing after reading one page.

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This Day in History – 9th September 1742

The Brickbat, the Fatal Fever and a Mother’s Lie

On 9th September 1742, Thomas Griffiths stood at the Old Bailey accused of murdering Judith Haswell, a woman who had been living as his wife and was generally known to neighbours as Judith Griffiths. The prosecution alleged that during an argument in Whitecross Street, Griffiths deliberately hurled a large piece of brick at her head. Judith survived the initial injury, but died several days later — leaving the jury with a difficult question: had Griffiths murdered her, or had the wound merely begun a chain of events that ended in her death?

The quarrel had begun over something remarkably ordinary. Judith wanted Griffiths to go and carry malt at the Peacock Brewhouse. He refused. According to witness Samuel Walton, Griffiths picked up a piece of brick almost as large as his fist and warned Judith that if she did not leave him alone he would throw it at her.

She stayed.

Griffiths, standing several yards away, then threw the brick with his left hand. It struck Judith hard on the head.

Walton was in little doubt that the act was deliberate. When Griffiths challenged him in court and asked whether he had done it intentionally, Walton replied that he clearly had because he had threatened to throw the brick and then carried out the threat.

“I will knock your brains out”

Other witnesses made Griffiths’s position considerably worse.

Robert Rollison had heard the couple arguing and testified that Griffiths threatened:

“I will knock your Brains out if you do not get away.”

More damaging still was what Rollison claimed Griffiths said afterwards — that if he had not killed Judith, he would kill her and did not care if he were hanged for doing so.

Margaret Allen actually saw the brick strike Judith and blood appear from the wound. She also saw Griffiths pick up a second brickbat, apparently preparing to throw that as well.

Diana Brislet told a similar story. A man named Mr White apparently intervened and took the second brick away from Griffiths.

On those accounts alone, a murder conviction might have appeared distinctly possible.

But then came the surgeons.

What actually killed Judith?

Surgeon Charles Wheeler had treated Judith after the attack. Her wound was around an inch and a half long and extended down to the skull.

Yet Wheeler did not believe the wound itself necessarily had to be fatal.

Judith had continued travelling to his surgery in Basinghall Street, apparently even doing so in the rain. Wheeler became so concerned about her circumstances that he complained to the churchwarden, warning that she might die unless she was provided with a better place to recover.

His conclusion was striking. He believed Judith had caught cold, developed a fever and suffered inflammation of the membrane surrounding the brain. In his opinion, her inadequate accommodation and lack of warmth and necessities contributed more to her death than the original wound.

A second surgeon, Thomas Goodman, broadly agreed. He found no fractured skull and no obvious injury to the brain. Goodman believed that had Judith not caught cold, the wound might have healed.

It introduced an important complication. Griffiths had unquestionably thrown the brick and caused the injury — but the medical witnesses were reluctant to say that the blow alone had inevitably killed her.

Judith speaks from her deathbed

Then came evidence of what Judith herself had said shortly before she died.

Witness Mary Petts testified that Judith revealed her real name was Judith Haswell and that Griffiths was not actually her husband, despite the couple having lived together and neighbours knowing her as Griffiths.

More importantly, Judith reportedly tried to protect the man who had injured her.

She said Griffiths had been drinking, that she had greatly provoked him, and that she did not believe he had intended to cause her serious harm. She supposedly begged that he should not “come to any Damage” because of her death, saying she would not rest in her grave if he did.

Another witness confirmed hearing essentially the same declaration.

Griffiths himself admitted throwing the brick. His defence was not that somebody else had done it, but that Judith had continually provoked him until he could tolerate it no longer. He accepted that he had struck her, while denying any intention to cause serious injury.

“I am his Aunt”

Then the trial produced perhaps its most memorable moment.

Mary Griffiths appeared as a witness and was asked how she was related to the prisoner.

She replied:

“I am a small Relation — but very little — I am his Aunt.”

Unfortunately for Mary, Robert Rollison immediately informed the court that she was actually Griffiths’s mother.

The judge challenged her. There was nothing wrong with admitting she was the prisoner’s mother, the court pointed out — but there certainly was something wrong with swearing under oath that she was his aunt when she was not.

Cornered, Mary finally admitted:

“I am his Mother indeed, but I am distracted, I do not know what I say.”

Despite that extraordinary performance, her evidence about Judith’s final wishes broadly supported that of the other witnesses: Judith had blamed her own provocation and had not wanted Griffiths to die for what he had done.

Murder or Manslaughter?

Several character witnesses described Griffiths as a peaceful, harmless and hardworking man. Judith Knight went further, calling him a “poor, harmless, inoffensive Fellow, but a little half-witted,” while describing Judith as extremely provocative when she had been drinking.

The jury ultimately rejected the charge of murder.

But neither did they absolve Griffiths.

He had deliberately picked up a brick, threatened Judith with it and thrown it hard enough to cause a serious head wound. Whatever the subsequent effects of infection, fever and inadequate care, his violence had started the sequence that ended with her death.

Thomas Griffiths was found guilty of manslaughter.

It is a fascinating case because almost every witness complicates the story. Griffiths’s threats suggest frightening intent; Judith’s own dying words plead for mercy towards him; the surgeons question whether the wound itself was fatal; neighbours describe a volatile relationship; and Griffiths’s own mother manages to commit an astonishing courtroom blunder while attempting to help her son.

And at the centre of it all was a mundane domestic argument over whether a man would go and carry malt at a brewery — an argument that ended with a thrown brick, a woman’s death and an Old Bailey manslaughter conviction.


Historical Footnote – Branded for Manslaughter

Thomas Griffiths was sentenced to be branded following his conviction for manslaughter. In 1742, branding was closely associated with benefit of clergy, the centuries-old legal mechanism that had evolved into a way for certain offenders to escape the death penalty. By Griffiths’s time, literacy was no longer required to claim the privilege, and many first-time offenders convicted of offences such as manslaughter could receive a lesser punishment instead of hanging.

For manslaughter, the offender could be branded on the hand with the letter “M”, traditionally using a heated iron. The mark served an important legal purpose as well as being a punishment: it provided physical evidence that the offender had already received the benefit of clergy, preventing him from simply claiming the same privilege again as a first offender.

So although Griffiths had entered the Old Bailey facing a murder charge and the possibility of execution, the jury’s decision to convict him only of manslaughter made an enormous difference. He left the court branded rather than condemned to the gallows.

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Advice of the Day: Playing Leapfrog with Unicorns

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

the sage

Leapfrog is normally a harmless recreational activity requiring little more than enthusiasm, flexibility and a friend prepared to crouch down while you hurl yourself over them. The Wise Sage would, however, like to remind readers that not every four-legged creature is equally suited to the role of participating obstacle.

The unicorn presents one particularly obvious design flaw. While horses offer a reasonably uninterrupted jumping surface, somebody has inexplicably fitted the unicorn with a large pointed horn precisely where an approaching leapfrog enthusiast least wants to see one. This should be regarded less as decoration and more as nature’s way of saying “perhaps choose badminton instead.”

Should a unicorn invite you to a game, politely decline. Do not allow yourself to be persuaded by phrases such as “It’ll be fine,” “Everyone else is doing it,” or “Just get a good run-up.” These are rarely heard immediately before successful decisions.

If you nevertheless insist on proceeding, always volunteer to be the unicorn’s obstacle first. This allows you to participate in the game while keeping the horn safely behind you. Unfortunately, you will eventually have to swap places, at which point The Sage recommends suddenly remembering an urgent appointment somewhere very far away.

Protective clothing offers surprisingly little reassurance. Crash helmets protect the wrong end, knee pads are optimistic at best, and wearing a suit of armour merely makes you heavier while airborne. Carrying a first-aid kit may demonstrate admirable preparation, but it also suggests you’ve already understood the problem and chosen to continue anyway.

Advanced players sometimes suggest approaching the unicorn backwards. The Wise Sage has considered this strategy carefully and concluded that it merely changes which hospital department will find the story amusing.

Ultimately, some sporting challenges are best left unconquered. Courage is knowing when to take a leap. Wisdom is noticing the enormous horn before you do.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for punctured trousers, embarrassing explanations in A&E, or being permanently banned from the Enchanted Forest Sports & Social Club.

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