Advice of the Day: Never Losing Your Place in a Book

Love reading but can never find your bookmark? Use ketchup instead.

the sage

Bookmarks are notoriously unreliable. They fall out, disappear down the sofa and mysteriously migrate into books you haven’t opened since 2014. The Wise Sage recommends replacing this outdated technology with something considerably easier to locate: a generous squirt of tomato ketchup.

The technique couldn’t be simpler. When you’ve finished reading, apply a small blob of ketchup to the page and close the book firmly. Next time you return, simply open the book at the distinctive red stain. Unlike conventional bookmarks, ketchup cannot fall out, blow away or accidentally be used as a shopping list.

For particularly long books, The Sage recommends varying the quantity according to your progress. A modest dab indicates casual reading, while a full tablespoon suggests you’re approaching an important chapter. By the final hundred pages of War and Peace, your book should resemble evidence from a particularly literary crime scene.

There are additional benefits. The distinctive tomato aroma allows experienced readers to locate their book in a darkened room using smell alone. It also discourages friends from borrowing your favourite novels, thereby solving another common problem faced by book lovers.

Libraries may initially resist the technique. If challenged by a librarian, calmly explain that you’re not damaging the book—you are installing an edible page-location system. Speaking confidently and using technical terminology is often enough to make people briefly question whether they’re being unreasonable.

Advanced readers can colour-code their collection using mustard for non-fiction, brown sauce for biographies and mayonnaise for books they started but immediately regretted. Avoid chilli sauce unless you enjoy particularly spicy plot twists.

The only significant drawback occurs when reading while hungry. Under no circumstances should you lick the bookmark. This can result in losing your place and dramatically reducing the resale value of the book.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for sticky pages, furious librarians, or discovering that your first edition now smells faintly of chips.

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Quote of the Day: Humanity

“Humanity is a thick book; place too much emphasis on one page and you’ll misunderstand the whole story.”
— The Sage

The Sage has often thought that people are rather too fond of summaries. We like neat explanations, convenient labels and conclusions that can be reached before the kettle has boiled. Humanity, unfortunately, refuses to be quite so accommodating. Its story is enormous, contradictory, occasionally magnificent and frequently rather embarrassing.

The same is true of individuals. It is easy to take one mistake, one opinion or one moment in someone’s life and place so much emphasis upon it that everything else disappears from view. Yet a single page cannot tell us what came before it, what followed afterwards, or whether the person holding the pen subsequently learned to write a better chapter.

The Sage therefore recommends reading a little further before passing judgement. Understanding requires context, patience and a willingness to accept that people are complicated. Some pages will disappoint us and others may surprise us enormously. But if humanity really is a thick book, wisdom surely begins by resisting the temptation to pretend we have understood the entire thing after reading one page.

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This Day in History – 9th September 1742

The Brickbat, the Fatal Fever and a Mother’s Lie

On 9th September 1742, Thomas Griffiths stood at the Old Bailey accused of murdering Judith Haswell, a woman who had been living as his wife and was generally known to neighbours as Judith Griffiths. The prosecution alleged that during an argument in Whitecross Street, Griffiths deliberately hurled a large piece of brick at her head. Judith survived the initial injury, but died several days later — leaving the jury with a difficult question: had Griffiths murdered her, or had the wound merely begun a chain of events that ended in her death?

The quarrel had begun over something remarkably ordinary. Judith wanted Griffiths to go and carry malt at the Peacock Brewhouse. He refused. According to witness Samuel Walton, Griffiths picked up a piece of brick almost as large as his fist and warned Judith that if she did not leave him alone he would throw it at her.

She stayed.

Griffiths, standing several yards away, then threw the brick with his left hand. It struck Judith hard on the head.

Walton was in little doubt that the act was deliberate. When Griffiths challenged him in court and asked whether he had done it intentionally, Walton replied that he clearly had because he had threatened to throw the brick and then carried out the threat.

“I will knock your brains out”

Other witnesses made Griffiths’s position considerably worse.

Robert Rollison had heard the couple arguing and testified that Griffiths threatened:

“I will knock your Brains out if you do not get away.”

More damaging still was what Rollison claimed Griffiths said afterwards — that if he had not killed Judith, he would kill her and did not care if he were hanged for doing so.

Margaret Allen actually saw the brick strike Judith and blood appear from the wound. She also saw Griffiths pick up a second brickbat, apparently preparing to throw that as well.

Diana Brislet told a similar story. A man named Mr White apparently intervened and took the second brick away from Griffiths.

On those accounts alone, a murder conviction might have appeared distinctly possible.

But then came the surgeons.

What actually killed Judith?

Surgeon Charles Wheeler had treated Judith after the attack. Her wound was around an inch and a half long and extended down to the skull.

Yet Wheeler did not believe the wound itself necessarily had to be fatal.

Judith had continued travelling to his surgery in Basinghall Street, apparently even doing so in the rain. Wheeler became so concerned about her circumstances that he complained to the churchwarden, warning that she might die unless she was provided with a better place to recover.

His conclusion was striking. He believed Judith had caught cold, developed a fever and suffered inflammation of the membrane surrounding the brain. In his opinion, her inadequate accommodation and lack of warmth and necessities contributed more to her death than the original wound.

A second surgeon, Thomas Goodman, broadly agreed. He found no fractured skull and no obvious injury to the brain. Goodman believed that had Judith not caught cold, the wound might have healed.

It introduced an important complication. Griffiths had unquestionably thrown the brick and caused the injury — but the medical witnesses were reluctant to say that the blow alone had inevitably killed her.

Judith speaks from her deathbed

Then came evidence of what Judith herself had said shortly before she died.

Witness Mary Petts testified that Judith revealed her real name was Judith Haswell and that Griffiths was not actually her husband, despite the couple having lived together and neighbours knowing her as Griffiths.

More importantly, Judith reportedly tried to protect the man who had injured her.

She said Griffiths had been drinking, that she had greatly provoked him, and that she did not believe he had intended to cause her serious harm. She supposedly begged that he should not “come to any Damage” because of her death, saying she would not rest in her grave if he did.

Another witness confirmed hearing essentially the same declaration.

Griffiths himself admitted throwing the brick. His defence was not that somebody else had done it, but that Judith had continually provoked him until he could tolerate it no longer. He accepted that he had struck her, while denying any intention to cause serious injury.

“I am his Aunt”

Then the trial produced perhaps its most memorable moment.

Mary Griffiths appeared as a witness and was asked how she was related to the prisoner.

She replied:

“I am a small Relation — but very little — I am his Aunt.”

Unfortunately for Mary, Robert Rollison immediately informed the court that she was actually Griffiths’s mother.

The judge challenged her. There was nothing wrong with admitting she was the prisoner’s mother, the court pointed out — but there certainly was something wrong with swearing under oath that she was his aunt when she was not.

Cornered, Mary finally admitted:

“I am his Mother indeed, but I am distracted, I do not know what I say.”

Despite that extraordinary performance, her evidence about Judith’s final wishes broadly supported that of the other witnesses: Judith had blamed her own provocation and had not wanted Griffiths to die for what he had done.

Murder or Manslaughter?

Several character witnesses described Griffiths as a peaceful, harmless and hardworking man. Judith Knight went further, calling him a “poor, harmless, inoffensive Fellow, but a little half-witted,” while describing Judith as extremely provocative when she had been drinking.

The jury ultimately rejected the charge of murder.

But neither did they absolve Griffiths.

He had deliberately picked up a brick, threatened Judith with it and thrown it hard enough to cause a serious head wound. Whatever the subsequent effects of infection, fever and inadequate care, his violence had started the sequence that ended with her death.

Thomas Griffiths was found guilty of manslaughter.

It is a fascinating case because almost every witness complicates the story. Griffiths’s threats suggest frightening intent; Judith’s own dying words plead for mercy towards him; the surgeons question whether the wound itself was fatal; neighbours describe a volatile relationship; and Griffiths’s own mother manages to commit an astonishing courtroom blunder while attempting to help her son.

And at the centre of it all was a mundane domestic argument over whether a man would go and carry malt at a brewery — an argument that ended with a thrown brick, a woman’s death and an Old Bailey manslaughter conviction.

Historical Footnote – Branded for Manslaughter

Thomas Griffiths was sentenced to be branded following his conviction for manslaughter. In 1742, branding was closely associated with benefit of clergy, the centuries-old legal mechanism that had evolved into a way for certain offenders to escape the death penalty. By Griffiths’s time, literacy was no longer required to claim the privilege, and many first-time offenders convicted of offences such as manslaughter could receive a lesser punishment instead of hanging.

For manslaughter, the offender could be branded on the hand with the letter “M”, traditionally using a heated iron. The mark served an important legal purpose as well as being a punishment: it provided physical evidence that the offender had already received the benefit of clergy, preventing him from simply claiming the same privilege again as a first offender.

So although Griffiths had entered the Old Bailey facing a murder charge and the possibility of execution, the jury’s decision to convict him only of manslaughter made an enormous difference. He left the court branded rather than condemned to the gallows.

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Advice of the Day: Playing Leapfrog with Unicorns

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

the sage

Leapfrog is normally a harmless recreational activity requiring little more than enthusiasm, flexibility and a friend prepared to crouch down while you hurl yourself over them. The Wise Sage would, however, like to remind readers that not every four-legged creature is equally suited to the role of participating obstacle.

The unicorn presents one particularly obvious design flaw. While horses offer a reasonably uninterrupted jumping surface, somebody has inexplicably fitted the unicorn with a large pointed horn precisely where an approaching leapfrog enthusiast least wants to see one. This should be regarded less as decoration and more as nature’s way of saying “perhaps choose badminton instead.”

Should a unicorn invite you to a game, politely decline. Do not allow yourself to be persuaded by phrases such as “It’ll be fine,” “Everyone else is doing it,” or “Just get a good run-up.” These are rarely heard immediately before successful decisions.

If you nevertheless insist on proceeding, always volunteer to be the unicorn’s obstacle first. This allows you to participate in the game while keeping the horn safely behind you. Unfortunately, you will eventually have to swap places, at which point The Sage recommends suddenly remembering an urgent appointment somewhere very far away.

Protective clothing offers surprisingly little reassurance. Crash helmets protect the wrong end, knee pads are optimistic at best, and wearing a suit of armour merely makes you heavier while airborne. Carrying a first-aid kit may demonstrate admirable preparation, but it also suggests you’ve already understood the problem and chosen to continue anyway.

Advanced players sometimes suggest approaching the unicorn backwards. The Wise Sage has considered this strategy carefully and concluded that it merely changes which hospital department will find the story amusing.

Ultimately, some sporting challenges are best left unconquered. Courage is knowing when to take a leap. Wisdom is noticing the enormous horn before you do.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for punctured trousers, embarrassing explanations in A&E, or being permanently banned from the Enchanted Forest Sports & Social Club.

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Quote of the Day: Privilege and Achievement

“Privilege becomes dangerous when it mistakes its own good fortune for a category of personal achievement.”
— The Sage

The Sage has often noticed that success has a curious effect on memory. Once we have reached somewhere comfortable, it can be surprisingly easy to forget the people, circumstances and fortunate turns that helped us get there. Hard work certainly matters, but few lives are built by effort alone. Opportunity, timing, encouragement and simple good fortune often play supporting roles that become less visible with hindsight.

Privilege itself is not something The Sage considers shameful. Having opportunities, advantages or security can be enormously positive, particularly when they are recognised and used generously. The problem begins when good fortune is rewritten entirely as personal achievement — when being dealt a favourable hand becomes proof that we must simply have played the game better than everyone else.

With his usual suspicion of convenient explanations, The Sage reminds us that humility means acknowledging both our effort and our luck. We should take pride in what we genuinely achieve without assuming that everyone began from the same starting line. Success deserves celebration; it simply becomes wiser when accompanied by gratitude.

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Advice of the Day: Comforting Someone Who Is Crying

When you see someone crying, ask them if it’s because of their haircut.

Seeing another person in tears can be uncomfortable. Do you offer sympathy? Give them a hug? Ask what’s wrong? The Wise Sage recommends avoiding all that emotional complexity by immediately introducing an entirely new reason for them to be upset.

Approach the distressed person with a concerned expression, glance thoughtfully at their hair and gently ask, “Is it because of your haircut?” This demonstrates that you have noticed their distress while simultaneously suggesting that their appearance is sufficiently disastrous to explain it. Few conventional counselling techniques achieve so much in a single sentence.

If they reply, “No!”, resist the temptation to apologise. Instead, look relieved and say, “Oh good. I wasn’t sure.” This ensures that although their original problem remains unresolved, they now have something completely different to worry about.

For particularly advanced emotional support, occasionally glance back at their hair during the conversation. Do not explain why. If they eventually ask, “What?”, simply reply, “Nothing… honestly.” This creates an atmosphere of uncertainty that can temporarily distract them from whatever was making them cry in the first place.

Should they reveal that they actually have just returned from the hairdresser, immediately change the subject. You have wandered into dangerous territory and no amount of Sage wisdom can save you now.

If the person begins crying even harder after your intervention, don’t assume you’ve made matters worse. Think of it as emotional multitasking. They may now be dealing with two problems simultaneously, which is technically twice as efficient.

Finally, remember that true friendship isn’t about having the right words at difficult moments. Sometimes it’s about knowing exactly which words not to say—and then saying them anyway.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for offended friends, cancelled social invitations, emergency visits to the hairdresser, or being told “THIS IS WHY NOBODY TALKS TO YOU.”

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Quote of the Day: Open Mind

“Keep an open mind, but resist following the goat simply because it looks confident.”
— The Sage

The Sage has often observed that confidence is remarkably persuasive. Put two people at a crossroads, allow one of them to stride purposefully in a particular direction, and there is a fair chance the other will follow — even if neither has the slightest idea where they are going. Apparently, the same principle applies to goats.

Keeping an open mind means being willing to listen, reconsider and accept that someone else may know something we don’t. But openness should never require abandoning judgement. Confidence is not evidence, certainty is not knowledge, and walking quickly in one direction does not necessarily mean someone knows where it leads.

The Sage therefore recommends maintaining a healthy balance between curiosity and scepticism. Listen to advice, observe what others are doing and remain open to changing direction — but make the final decision yourself. After all, the goat may look extraordinarily confident, but there is every possibility it is simply heading towards somebody’s vegetable garden.

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This Day in History – 18th August 1856

The Nightingale That Started a Libel Case

What began as an argument over a nightingale ended with insulting placards, caricatures, crowds jeering in the street and, eventually, a trial for libel at the Old Bailey. On 18th August 1856, Frederick Henry Goldsbrough and Henry Smith appeared at the Central Criminal Court following an extraordinary campaign directed against Joseph George, a Jewish man living at Whitton near Hounslow.

The trouble began when George bought a nightingale from a man named Walker. Goldsbrough subsequently claimed that the bird actually belonged to him. George did not simply refuse to return it: he said that if Walker confirmed Goldsbrough’s ownership, he would hand the bird back. During the disagreement, however, Smith subjected George to an antisemitic insult, and what should have been a fairly trivial dispute rapidly became something much nastier.

From a Bird to a Campaign of Abuse

The following day, George discovered that Goldsbrough’s cottage had effectively been turned into a public exhibition designed to ridicule him. Signs appeared bearing such phrases as “Old Clo,” “Hot pies,” “Pork,” and “Fried fish”, while a grotesque caricature was displayed under the title “The portrait of Judas Iscariot.”

But these were not merely silly signs arising from a neighbourly quarrel. The displays increasingly targeted George’s Jewish identity.

One notice declared that no Jewish person or cabman need apply. Another advertised a fictitious “Grand treat for the haymakers and strawberry pickers”, promising fried fish, peas and pork and directing people towards George’s home. Yet another offered money for “old hats, old clothes, long snouts, or any other rubbish.” There was even a separate caricature of a horse bearing the title “Portrait of Running Rein.”

The intention appears to have been not simply to insult George privately, but to make him an object of public ridicule.

And it worked.

Hooted Through the Village

George told the court that Goldsbrough had also shouted antisemitic abuse at him publicly as villagers were leaving church. He and his family began to be hooted at in the village, turning their everyday lives into an ordeal. The situation became so unpleasant that George put up a notice offering his newly built house to let, telling the court that he no longer intended to live there.

Witness Joseph Salisbury supported George’s account, confirming that after the signs appeared George and members of his family were regularly subjected to hooting.

Smith was not simply an innocent bystander to Goldsbrough’s campaign. Evidence was given that he helped return the offending boards to Goldsbrough’s cottage and assisted in hanging them up after they had been removed. Another witness recalled Smith saying that further information about George would emerge which would eventually drive him out of the village.

But Who Was Joseph George?

The trial then took an intriguing turn.

Rather than concentrating solely upon the behaviour of Goldsbrough and Smith, the defence launched into an extensive examination of George’s own past. He was questioned about his marriages, previous addresses, businesses, employment, finances and property, apparently in an attempt to undermine his character and credibility.

Even his name became an issue.

George acknowledged that his family surname was actually Joseph, making his correct name George Joseph, but explained that he had reversed the two names. Numerous other allegations and possible identities were put to him during cross-examination, most of which he denied.

Whatever questions might have existed about George’s background, however, they did not excuse the campaign mounted against him.

The Verdict

The jury found both Frederick Henry Goldsbrough and Henry Smith guilty of libel.

Goldsbrough, aged 32, received three months’ imprisonment and was required to enter into recognizances to keep the peace for twelve months.

Smith, aged 53, received rather different treatment. The jury recommended him to mercy, and he was ordered to enter into recognizances to keep the peace.

It was an extraordinary conclusion to a dispute that had begun with the ownership of one small bird.

The nightingale itself almost disappears from the story once the argument begins. What makes the case memorable is how rapidly an everyday disagreement became something much uglier: a sustained campaign of antisemitic ridicule intended to embarrass Joseph George publicly and, according to the evidence, ultimately force him from the village.

All over a nightingale.

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Advice of the Day: Cats and Dustbusters

Never hold a cat and a Dustbuster at the same time.

the sage

Cats are naturally calm, reasonable creatures who respond particularly well to sudden mechanical noises occurring six inches from their face. Unfortunately, nobody has ever explained this to the cats. The Wise Sage therefore recommends keeping all domestic cleaning appliances a safe distance from anything possessing claws and a strong sense of personal grievance.

The danger usually begins innocently. You notice some crumbs on the sofa while holding the cat. Rather than put the cat down, walk three feet and then pick up the Dustbuster, you decide to save approximately four seconds by attempting both jobs simultaneously. This is what accident investigators refer to as “the decision.”

The moment the motor starts, several things happen at once. The cat becomes approximately twelve feet long, develops twice the normal number of claws and attempts to leave the room through whichever part of your body happens to be nearest. You, meanwhile, instinctively tighten your grip, thereby convincing the cat that the vacuum cleaner attack is actually a carefully coordinated human conspiracy.

If you accidentally activate the Dustbuster while already holding the cat, do not panic. Simply place everything on the floor and retreat. Do not attempt to explain yourself. Cats have little interest in mitigating circumstances and may require several hours—and possibly chicken—to reconsider your relationship.

Advanced practitioners should also avoid vacuum cleaners, hairdryers, electric drills and anything else capable of making a cat instantly reconsider the benefits of domestication. A sleeping cat may appear relaxed, but internally it remains approximately half a second away from becoming airborne.

Should you ignore this advice, keep a first-aid kit nearby and wear clothing you weren’t particularly attached to. Above all, never laugh afterwards. Cats have excellent memories and considerably more access to your bedroom than you have to theirs.

As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for shredded clothing, traumatised upholstery, or waking at 3am to discover the cat sitting silently on your chest waiting for revenge.

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Quote of the Day: Faith

“Do not depend on gold to buy what only faith can give you.”
— The Sage

The Sage has often observed that money is remarkably useful, provided we don’t ask it to do jobs for which it was never designed. Gold can purchase comfort, security and opportunity, but there are limits to its reach. No amount of wealth can guarantee trust, friendship, courage or the certainty that everything will eventually turn out as we hope.

Faith occupies a very different place. It need not mean religious faith alone; it can be faith in ourselves, in another person, in humanity, or simply in the possibility that tomorrow may be better than today. These are things that cannot be bought or stored away for emergencies. They have to be nurtured, tested and occasionally held onto when there is very little evidence that doing so makes sense.

With characteristic simplicity, The Sage reminds us not to confuse price with value. Gold is excellent for acquiring possessions, but life’s greatest treasures tend to resist a price tag. When certainty disappears and money has reached the limit of what it can solve, faith often provides the strength to take the next step anyway.

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