Welcome to our page dedicated to lawyer jokes, where the courtroom gets a comedic twist! Whether you’re looking to lighten the mood during a tough legal case or simply enjoy some clever quips about the world of law, this is the place for you. From witty one-liners about attorneys to classic courtroom gags, we’ve gathered the best jokes to bring a smile to your face—no legal expertise required!
What did the Lawyer say to the other Lawyer?
We are both Lawyers.
I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now.
They’re very affordable, but you have to build your own case.
Where do lawyers meet for lunch?
At the food court.
A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven.
When he gets there, he’s greeted by St. Peter himself.
The lawyer says, “What happened? I wasn’t in an accident and I’m too young to die. I’m only 52!”
St. Peter says, “Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that’s a pretty good life.”
The lawyer yells, “84! How did you figure that?”
St. Peter responds, “We added up your client billing time sheets.”
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
One of the cops replies, “You are the lawyer.”
The lawyer says, “Exactly, so where’s my present?”
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.
Me: But you said 3.
Genie: Sue me.
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.
A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car has smashed into a tree.
He rushes over to the car and asks the driver, “Are you badly hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver replies. “I’m not a lawyer.”
A man took an airline to court after his luggage went missing.
Unfortunately he lost his case
Despite zero experience, I’m opening a BBQ restaurant next to the courthouse.
It’ll be Trial by Fire.
A man is at court today for damaging books by putting tippex on all the full stops.
He’s expecting a long sentence.
I’m suing my local fishmongers for selling undersized shellfish.
I’m going to take them to the small clams court…
Did you hear about the judge with no fingers?
Justice Thumbs.
As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.
But he left me hanging.
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years.
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.
He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years.
A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.
What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish?
One is a spineless, poisonous blob.
The other is a form of sea life.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
Taller.
Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was.
“$100 for three questions,” answered the lawyer.
“Isn’t that a little steep?” said the man.
“Yes,” said the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”
What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth?
The wooden partitions around the witness stand.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Lawyer’s creed: A person is innocent until proven broke.
There’s a new toy doll coming out this Christmas: Divorce Barbie.
She comes with a lawyer and all of Ken’s stuff.
Arguing with lawyers is like wrestling with pigs in mud.
Before long, you discover they love it.
The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.
If a lawyer is talking in the forest and there is no one around to hear him, can he still bill for it?
I considered becoming a lawyer, but it turns out my parents were married before I was born.
A person who represents himself has a fool for a client but also more money in the bank.
If you can make a great argument as to why you shouldn’t be a lawyer, you should be a lawyer.
Cemeteries bury lawyers 10 feet under instead of 6 because deep down, they’re good people.
I used to be a lawyer, but it lost its appeal.
God once considered suing Satan for ripping off the concept of heaven with hell but dropped it when he remembered where all the lawyers were.
The problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and other people don’t think they’re jokes.
My wife accused me of being a terrible lawyer.
I couldn’t defend myself.
The difference between an accountant and a lawyer is that accountants know they’re boring.
The legal definition of a jury is 12 people who determine which client has the better attorney.
Abraham Lincoln never needed a lawyer because he was in a cent.
The sun was relieved when its lawyer told it that it’d only been charged with a light sentence.
Eight vowels, 11 consonants, a comma and an exclamation mark appeared in court today.
They are due to be sentenced next week.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
The Sage Page 