Welcome to our collection of Realtor and Estate Agent jokes, where we take a light-hearted look at the property world! Whether you’re buying, selling, or just browsing the market, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face. From cheeky quips about commissions to playful banter about house-hunting woes, we’ve got something for every property enthusiast. Dive in and enjoy the humour that only those familiar with real estate can truly appreciate!
An armed man has just run into an estate agents, and shouted “Nobody move!!”
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute.
I guess the old saying is true… You can’t win a mall.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important: Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
My brother is a real estate agent.
He greets me with, “Hey bro, house it going?”
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
What does a house wear?
Address.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five.
One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
I doubt you’d get it.
It’s over your head.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns?
They’re not very uplifting.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, “Well, all’s well that dwells well.”
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
My real estate agent lied.
He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there…
What did the realtor say to his wife?
“Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time – thrilling and nervous.”
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house.
A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, “Just do the deed.”
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
The older generation’s dream was to pay off the mortgage.
The younger generation’s dream is to get one.
Home sickness is what you feel every month when the mortgage is due.
My house has wall to wall carpets…
And back to the wall payments.
It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns.
Last time I voted for a real estate agent.
If you think that no-one cares you’re alive, just try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
A man’s home is his castle…
In a manor of speaking.
What’s the study of real estate called?
Homology.
By the time you pay for a home in the suburbs, it isn’t.
If you buy a house in Mexico, you don’t Peso much.
My neighbors have consolidated all their debts.
Now they only have one bill they won’t pay.
If you want to know where the property line is, just watch your neighbor cut the grass.
My neighbor always has his lawn sprinkler on.
It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Is the down payment to buy an apartment a condo-minimum?
When it comes to board games about buying real estate…
Hasbro really has the Monopoly.
My Irish friend Paddy just told me that he burgled a shop last night.
“What did you get?” I asked.
“26 pictures,” he smiled, showing me. “The cheapest one is worth over $180,000.”
I said, “Dude, these are from a real estate agents.”
I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.
But unfortunately my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What’s the difference between a real estate agent and sperm?
Sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.
My real estate agent did such a good job describing my house in their listing that I’ve decided to keep it.
What does a real estate agent use for birth control?
Their personality.
What’s a mortgage broker?
A real estate agent without the sense of humor.
Realtors need closure.
What do you call a real estate agent who practices birth control?
A humanitarian.
I made the mistake of offering my realtor some Lipton iced tea.
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite sexual position?
The comissionary position.
There’s a used car salesman, a lawyer and a real estate agent.
You have a gun with only two bullets.
What do you do?
Shoot the real estate agent twice to make sure.
Why are realtors good at selling houses?
They’re good at ceiling deals.
And that’s not all …..
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