There are few subjects more universally understood — or more universally avoided — than weight. Whether it’s the eternal battle with bathroom scales, suspiciously shrinking trousers, or the optimistic belief that “this one biscuit doesn’t count,” weight humour has long provided a comforting laugh at life’s little indulgences. As ever, The Sage recommends laughter first… and diets later.
Weight Jokes
I tried to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
I bought some exercise equipment… now it’s just taking up space.
My bathroom scale must be broken — it keeps going up every time I step on it.
I started a new diet today. So far, I’ve lost my patience.
I told my doctor I wanted to lose weight. He told me to stop hanging around the fridge.
I don’t need a personal trainer — I need someone to follow me around and slap snacks out of my hand.
I tried jogging, but the ice kept falling out of my glass.
My idea of a balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
I’ve been on a alcohol diet for two weeks… and all I’ve lost is fourteen days.
I don’t trust people who say they don’t snack late at night. What are they hiding?
I went on a diet and said goodbye to alcohol… sadly, I haven’t lost any weight, but I’ve lost three days.
The only exercise I’ve done this week is running out of snacks.
I joined a gym… I haven’t been yet, but I’ve got the membership.
I told myself I’d lose weight… but I didn’t want to disappoint myself.
My willpower is strong — until biscuits arrive.
I stepped on the scales this morning and it said, “One at a time, please.”
I don’t diet — I just eat carefully… making sure I don’t spill anything.
I tried to cut down on carbs… but they kept calling me back.
I only eat salad… just before the pizza arrives.
My clothes are getting tighter. I think they’re shrinking out of spite.
I opened the fridge to look for something healthy… then I closed it and took a biscuit instead.
I thought about going on a diet… but then I had a sandwich instead.
I burned a lot of calories today… I forgot my pizza in the oven.
Of course, weight is one of life’s great balancing acts — somewhere between discipline and dessert, intention and temptation. The Sage firmly believes that if laughter burns calories, then this page has done its duty. And if not… well, there’s always tomorrow. Probably. After one more biscuit.
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