My Dad Jokes

People always told my dad his pride would be the death of him.

And sure enough he was eaten by his favourite lion last Friday.

I asked my Dad what it was like learning Braille, but he didn’t want to tell me.
I didn’t realize it was such a touchy subject.

My dad said he was going to set me up for life.

Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

My Dad always used to tell me, “Don’t be quick to find faults.”
He was a lovely man. Terrible geologist though.

When I was little my Dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it.

I didn’t really – he was just putting words in my mouth.

My dad always used to say ‘out with the old and in with the new’.
Lovely man, terrible antiques dealer…

My dad always said to me, “Take it with a pinch of salt.”

Nice man. Made horrible tea.

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
He gave me a hug.

My dad always used to say “To do a job properly, never cut any corners ”

Nice man, terrible carpenter…

I was named after my Dad. Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.

My dad was renowned for ‘thinking outside the box’.

Great guy… Terrible goalkeeper.

I told my wife that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad.
She said, “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”
I said, “No, but he wants to be.”

My dad suggested I register for a donor card.

He’s a man after my own heart.

I called my dad from the shop saying I’d forgotten what orange juice he asked for.
“Concentrate” he said, but I still couldn’t remember!

When I was young, I was adopted by a man called Daz.

He’s my non-biological father.

Therapist: “What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?”
Me: “Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.”

A man took an airline to court after his luggage went missing.

Unfortunately, he lost his case.

It is not appropriate to make a Dad Joke if you are not a Dad.
In fact, it’s a faux pa…

As I handed my Dad his 80th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said…

“You know, one would have been enough.”

I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on me.
He’s not dead, just very condescending.

My dad was always going on about the good old days when you could leave your doors open etc.

Lovely man, terrible submarine Captain…

My dad’s answer to everything was alcohol…
He didn’t drink, he was just terrible at quizzes.

My dad invented the cold air balloon.

It never really took off.

My Dad always used to tell people “laughter is the best medicine…”
Lovely bloke, terrible pharmacist…

My dad has the heart of a lion…

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I come from a family of entertainers, my dad was a failed magician.
I’ve also got two half-sisters.

Dad is down at the car dealership, looking at potential choices.

“Cargo space?” he asks.

The salesman says: “Car no do that. Car go road.”

My dad drank a whole bottle of wood varnish.
He had a horrible death but a lovely finish.

My dad always said “don’t believe everything you hear”

It was great advice…

Or was it?

My dad always used to say; “As one door closes, another one opens…”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

My Dad once gave me an abacus shaped like a castle for my birthday.

Well it’s the fort that counts…

My dad sat me down and told me that he used to be a woman.
I thanked him for being so transparent.

I don’t hold grudges.

My dad did and I always hated him for it.

My dad used to say “The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more.”
Great bloke… Terrible anaesthetist…

My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’.

Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

My dad makes plastic letters for toilet doors…
He’s certainly got an I for the ladies.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the logo below…. (thanks in advance)

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