Halfway through my Indian meal the waiter came up to me and asked;
“Curry OK?”
I said, “Maybe, what songs do you have?”
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it’s fully groan…
My Dad always used to tell people “laughter is the best medicine…”
Lovely bloke, terrible pharmacist…
My wife said “You remind me of a pepper pot”,
I said, “I’ll take that as a condiment”.
I’m not saying it’s rough where I live..
But they are selling Father’s Day cards in packs of five!
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.
I told him to steer clear.
I often drive around selling pies from my Ford Focus whilst talking in a medieval English style…
Fruit ones for £2, cottage for £2.50 and steak for £3.
These are the pie rates of the car I be in…
My wife left me because of my constant puns about star signs…
It finally Taurus apart…
“I’d like to buy a pair of tights for my wife?”
“Sheer?”
“No she’s at home…”
My favourite word is “Drool”.
It sort of rolls off the tongue.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here for 274 years and have not noticed anything strange.
“My wife went to a bad concert in South East Asia!”
“Singapore?”
“Terrible, and so were the rest of the band!”
My boss accused me of never taking him seriously.
“I don’t agree with that,” I told him.
He said, “Can I see you in my office?”
I said, “Depends if the lights are on.”
I’m looking to buy an old lighthouse.
Nothing flashy.
I said to my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”
Her: AI?
Me: AI.
Her: Oh.
“Winnie The Pooh’s gone to the Caribbean.”
“Antigua?”
“No, I think he went with Piglet.”
What do you call a chicken in your family that is not related to you?
Stephen.
My wife made a list of the ten reasons she wants a divorce.
1. I don’t seem to care.
2. I’m not a good listener.
3. Etc.
I often go to fancy dress parties dressed as a shark.
Quite honestly, the novelty is wearing a little fin.
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