Joke of the Day: Secrets

For the past 20 years, I’ve had a Valentine’s card from a secret admirer. I was sad I didn’t get one this year! First, my gran dies, and now this! I’ve been banned from the Secret Cooking Society… I kept spilling the beans. What was the Soviet Union’s most secretive insect? The Cagey Bee. I’mContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Secrets”

Joke of the Day: Dead Funny

Where are dead computer hackers buried? In decrypt. I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. At weddings, old people always poke me and say you’ll be next! It’s so annoying!… so.. I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals. I was at aContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Dead Funny”

Quote of the Day: Vegetables

My mate just passed his NVQ in vegetarianism. He’s quiche stage one. I was once abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, blow my nose, clean my room, and eat my vegetables… Turns out I was on the mothership. My local greengrocer has won a contract to supply root vegetables to the SouthContinue reading “Quote of the Day: Vegetables”

Joke of the Day: Garden

In order to make a relationship work you have to make a lot of sacrifices…. Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden. My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water…. I think he meant well. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil toContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Garden”

Joke of the Day: Writing

I bought a new thesaurus today. It’s nothing to write house about. I dreamt I had to write my own epitaph. That’s a grave sign. I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week. It was OK. Nothing to write home about. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? There’s no point.Continue reading “Joke of the Day: Writing”

Joke of the Day: Friends

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘benefits’ so when you add me it says ‘You are now friends with benefits’. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realised that toucan play at that game. An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever. His friend says, “Wow! That’sContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Friends”

Joke of the Day: Crosswords

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R. If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over and say 7up is lemonade. My teacher always said, “violence is never the answer”. I’m stuck on the last clue on a £1000 prize crossword. 26Continue reading “Joke of the Day: Crosswords”

Joke of the Day: Chemistry

Why was the chemist arrested? He threw sodium chloride at his girlfriend. That’s a salt. Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead. What happens if someone steals uranium? It becomes theiranium. What’s the friendliest polyatomic ion? Bromate. Oxygen and potassium wentContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Chemistry”

Joke of the Day: Royalty

Which king invented the fireplace? Alfred The Grate. I’ve invented a new Kings of Leon smoke alarm . Instead of just beeping it goes, Whooooooooooooooooooohhhoooooooooooa your house is on fire. Simba was always the last of the pride to get out of bed. He was the lie-in king. Why is it that so many KingsContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Royalty”

Joke of the Day: Tea and Coffee

I’m about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though. I just read that Rod Stewart has five drinks of tea a day, all of varying sizes. The first cup is the deepest… My Dad used to say “Take everything with a pinch of salt”. Lovely man, made terrible tea though… JustContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Tea and Coffee”