Is it possible to keep tropical ferns in an unheated greenhouse?
Asking for a frond.
I made a pair of gloves from an old Barrister’s robes…
Now I’ve got a law-suit on my hands!
My dad’s sister works in a Paris bakery and hates it.
She’s a cross aunt…
I know an awful lot about bus timetables.
I’ve led a sheltered life.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters.
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician.
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
“Welcome back everybody” is apparently not a good way to start a speech…
If you’re the best man at your friend’s second wedding.
Working out is like a drug to me.
I don’t do drugs.
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest till I find it.
I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can’t hide?
The I. C. U.
I went to the beekeeper to buy some bees.
All the bees had price tags on them except one.
It was a freebie.
I’m convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notifications that there’s a new version of itself.
I noticed on the bookies window yesterday it said ‘Open on a Sunday 11-2’.
I’ll have a tenner on that, it was open last Sunday.
I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.
I tried a bit of finger painting yesterday.
Wish I hadn’t bothered, it took me 8 hours just to do the skirting boards.
Who’s in charge of the hankies?
The handkerchief.
I just got my girlfriend a new bag and a new belt for her birthday.
She’ll be made up!
The vacuum cleaner’s as good as new.
What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?
Bernadette.
I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1.
Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full.
Come on, how can you turn that down?
I was taking the motorway out of London.
A policeman pulled me over and said: ‘Put it back’
Why doesn’t Elton John eat lettuce?
Because he’s a rocket man!
One way or another, I’m really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics…
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