Joke of the Day: Sunday’s shady shipment of shapely shenanigans

For my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap.

Drum roll, please.

It was the wife’s birthday yesterday and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.

So, I took the hint…

I got her a magazine rack.

BREAKING NEWS!

The family of a man who went missing after eating five tins of baked beans and two jars of pickled onions have made an emotional appeal for his return.

They said in a statement:

“Please don’t come back for at least a week.”

A new product has hit the supermarket shelves.

You can now buy ‘wildebeest pate’ endorsed by Frank Sinatra…

Start spreading the gnus…

My wife dumped me because of my obsession with plants.

I asked, “where’s this stemming from petal?”

What do you call someone with no body and a nose?

Nobody knows!

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

The advantage of easy origami is twofold…

What’s an element that isn’t on the periodic table?

The element of surprise.

If I ordered an axe from France and had it shipped,

I would have a foreign axe sent.

Child: “What is the most northern state of the US?”

Dad: “Ask your mum”

Child: “Thanks Dad, I’ll ask her”

I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock.

We had a big argument though, and now she won’t even give me the time of day…

I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room.

To make it look more classy.

There are 3 unwritten rules in life:

1.
2.
3.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.

I should have put it on aloha setting.

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said, “Can u describe the symptoms?”

I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”

3.14% of sailors are Pi Rates.

I am going to apply for a job as a waiter…

I could bring a lot to the table.

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