Joke of the Day: Monday’s balding bag of bawdy balderdash ….

I’ve been appointed Gary Barlow’s personal chiropractor on a lifetime contract!

I’ve got his back for good.

I came home drunk last night and didn’t want to wake anyone up so I just stuck two French pancakes to my feet and crêped up the stairs…

I just back from Crete where I had a very brief visit to see the Labyrinth.

Was only a minor tour.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

Nobody knows – it’s never been done before.

What’s white and can’t climb trees?

A Fridge.

What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college?

Bison.

I’ve asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

My wife asked me how long I’d been chopping wood.

I told her I’d have to check my logs.

At first, my wife hated the revolving chair I bought, but then she sat on it…

Eventually, she came around.

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily…

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera.

I had to interrogate a duck once.

Eventually, he quacked under the pressure…

Sneezed all over my toast.

Can’t believe it snot butter…

Which Icelandic singer/songwriter was named after an English city?

A. Norwich
B. York
C. Leeds

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

I just finished building a car using a motor from a washing machine.

I’m going to take it for a spin later…

It’s my brother’s birthday, he’s a bomb disposal expert.

Took him 6 hours to open his present…

My waiter asked if “would you like some fresh ground pepper on your pasta”.

“OK” I replied.

“Tell me when”.

“Before I eat it”.

I bought my wife a rocket for her birthday.

She’s over the moon!

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

I once made a belt out of £10 notes.

Turns out it was just a waist of money.