I once got arrested after covering a lawyer’s luggage in oil.
He dropped the case.
At an airport, my daughter suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage.
I said, “Let’s not get carried away”.
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.
She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?”
I said, “All right, but we won’t get much done.”
A furniture store keeps calling me.
But all I wanted was one night stand.
I’ve decided to start a magazine dedicated to ice cream!
I’ve just had my first scoop!
After a terrible time with Diarrhoea and a long struggle with Hypercholesterolemia ….
I finally won the spelling contest.
What’s a foot long, made of leather, and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
I was telling my doctor earlier how my tennis elbow was really hurting.
She said, “How many years have you had it for?”
I said “15 Love”
My girlfriend said last night she was leaving me this morning because of my obsession with Wham!
I said ‘OK, wake me up before you go go’.
Alison Moyet has allegedly been caught stealing from Starbucks…
She took a whole load of muffin for a hand full of nothing..
Elton John’s E-reader device has been blown away by a tropical storm.
Like a Kindle in the wind.
I can’t see these new sausages that Elvis Costello is launching being any good…
Apparently, though, olive salami is here to stay…
Just seen a bloke who looked like Sting in the red light district in Amsterdam…
He was getting a massage in a brothel.
Bono phoned me the other day to invite me out for dinner in London.
He said ‘I fancy chinese, where do you recommend ?’
I replied ‘Chinatown is good, it’s where the streets have chow mein…’
A guy I know called Paul Young was accused of allegedly shoplifting from the butchers several times in one week.
The butcher said to him ‘every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you…’
I’ve been banned from our local petrol station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo…
I won’t get fueled again.
What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?
Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider.
A guy walks into a library and asks for a book on sea turtles.
The librarian asks, “Hard back?”
The guy replies, “Yeah, little heads too.”
I just slipped on the floor of the local library..
I was in the non-friction section.
I worried that my addiction to helter-skelters is spiraling out of control.
A hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of eighty-two.
I’m easily lead.
Pink Panthers to do list:
To do
To do
To do, to do, to do
To do, to doooo
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