Joke of the Day: Monday’s meaty meteor of mutating moonshine …

Had lunch yesterday at an excellent Christian restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.

They also do takeaways.

Today I have officially been sober for 100 days.

Not like, in a row or anything..

Just in total.

My neighbour said she would lend me her waterproof canvas sheets for my camping holiday.

Ta Pauline.

I made a website for orphans.

It doesn’t have a homepage.

I got trapped in a bidding war for a house because my girlfriend loved the lengthy corridor.

Now I’m in it for the long hall.

What do you call a camel with no hump?

Humphrey.

I’ve just seen a poor old lady fall over and knock herself out.

Well, I think she’s poor.

She’s only got a fiver in her handbag.

I asked my waiter: “What’s the special of the day?”

“Octopus” he replied.

“Only problem is, it takes 3 hours to cook because it keeps turning the gas off!” He added.

My girlfriend said she’s splitting up with me because I’m obsessed with Boy George.

I asked her if she really wanted to hurt me.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a female’s body.

Then I was born.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat!

In the end, he came around.

My girlfriend handed me two kayak paddles and asked, “Which one do you want?”

I said I’d take either/oar.

“Jesus loves you” is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I went for an interview at IKEA.

The manager greeted me by saying “come in, make a seat.”

What’s green and not very heavy?

Light green.

My friend Tommy drowned the other day…

At his funeral, we placed a life-jacket on his coffin.

It’s what he would have wanted…

Me and my mate were fighting over which was the best vowel..

I won!

Two cold Eskimos in a kayak..

They lit a fire in the craft, and it sank..

Proving once & for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Half the people you know are below average.

I really like puns about yellow gloves I must admit…

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)