I was walking around the hospital yesterday looking to visit my Nanna in the daycare center when I noticed a big sign.
‘Stroke Patients Here’
I never did get to visit my Nanna, thanks to hospital security.
A fish has been convicted of murder in America.
He’s now on Death Roe…
A new study reveals that listening to a Queen album might be bad for your health.
Because of the unusually high Mercury content.
I’m not very good at self-deprecation.
Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I bought a book titled “How To Scam People Online” about three months ago…
It still hasn’t arrived.
I know a farmer who claims to have the quietest sheep in the world baa none…
My wife just accused me of looking like someone who doesn’t know how to shave properly…
Bloody cheek!
My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.
I told him to steer clear.
I went to a fancy dress competition last night dressed as a giraffe…
I didn’t win but at least I can hold my head up high…
Pub landlord required…
Must have own pub.
Apply with inn.
I’ve been invited to a fancy dress party with a Tupperware theme…
I can hardly contain myself…
Woke up this morning and found I’d swallowed some feathers from my pillow.
My wife said I looked a bit down in the mouth…
I recently took a pole and 100% of the people in the tent were annoyed…
A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting.
I replied people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Plan ahead – It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
I told my boss I needed a pay rise, and I said that 3 other companies were after me.
Boss “Which ones?”
I said “The electric, gas, & water”
My girlfriend asked, “would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?”
Turns out that “Yes I do” was not the right answer.
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
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