I was in a shop the other day, and there was an empty tester bottle of perfume with a sign saying “out of odour”.
Sting has launched an aromatherapy range.
It’s a massage in a bottle.
I saw someone holding a pair of shoes to his ears.
Apparently, he was listening to sole music.
After a call from the hospital, I hurried there and asked the receptionist; “My wife has been rushed here with severe buttock spasms, where is she?”
She said “ICU baby, shakin’ that ass”.
My cat always gets excited when I put the movie ‘Flashdance’ on…
What a feline!
I took a photo of a mouse yesterday…
He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it…
I think the heat is getting to me, I’m trying to think of a good pun about ice cream toppings but I can’t remember any.
I used to have hundreds and thousands of them…
I just sold all my glove puppets.
A collector phoned and offered me £200 to take them off my hands…
Doctor: “How’s the patient doing, the one who swallowed all the 20p coins?”
Nurse: “No change yet.”
One way or another, I’m really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics…
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
Why were the Dark Ages so dark?
Because there were so many knights.
If you’re a hostage and the gunman says “Who shall I shoot first?”
Saying, “It’s ‘WHOM shall I shoot first?'” is not the best answer.
I just ate a frozen apple.
Hardcore.
Save the whales.
Collect the whole set.
Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, “So, how’s it going?”
The second one sighs and shakes his head, “Not good. I can’t pay my bills, my health isn’t good, my kids don’t respect me, and my wife is leaving me.”
The first replies, “Well, don’t lose any sheep over it.”
Did you know Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs?
That’s because they’re Inca hoots.
Thank you for phoning the fishing help center.
Please hold the line.
I was starting my new job at the pharmacy this morning when a guy walked in.
“I’ve got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it’s going to explode,” he said, “Have you got anything?”
I said, “No, I feel fine.”
We got our dogs some glow in the dark treats for their birthday.
You should have seen their little faeces light up.
I dropped a really big crumb on my laptop keyboard.
Turned out to be nothing to worry about though.
It’s under Ctrl.
It was a big surprise when the advertising company went out of business.
No one saw the signs.
I took a job at a broth factory.
The salary is low but at least there are stock options.
I was walking down the road this morning and first got hit by a violin, then a clarinet and then a piano.
I think it was an orchestrated attack.
I got in line to watch Oppenheimer around lunchtime, but I realized it was three hours long and I was starving.
So I went to the Barbie queue instead.
I went to a costume party last night, dressed as a screwdriver.
Turned a few heads.
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