Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a pyramid covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.
It’s believed to be the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Opened a mars bar once.
Discovered martians love gin.
I made some jerk chicken today.
He didn’t even say thank you.
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
An egg.
I was grilling a chicken last night.
“For the last time, why did you cross the road?”
Went for a curry the other week, had a chicken tarka.
It’s like a chicken tikka but a little otter.
I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car that I was working on?..
The suspension is killing me.
I’ve decided that all dad jokes must now be written down on a piece of paper.
It’s not a dad joke unless it’s tearable…
All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary…
Joke’s on them, so are they!
People say I’m condescending.
That means I talk down to people.
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious,
Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over & whispered: My bottom is going to sleep.
‘I know,’ replied the other, ‘I heard it snore three times.’
A French guest, staying in a hotel in London phoned room service for some pepper.
“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.
“Toilette pepper!” said the Frenchman.
My wife is leaving me because I keep forgetting to take the old coffee filter out of the machine…
She claims it’s grounds for divorce.
My friend bet me £100 that I couldn’t do a butterfly impression…
I thought, ‘That’s got to be worth a little flutter’…
I used to go out with a javelin thrower.
But then she chucked me.
I’m sure this petrol crisis was caused by people talking about it so much it became a self fuel filling prophecy…
Stealing clothes from washing lines.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
I know loads of white sugar jokes..
I don’t have many brown sugar jokes though demerara.
Me, lazy?
Don’t get me started.
A man is at court today for damaging books by putting tippex on all the full stops.
He’s expecting a long sentence.
My motto is “Never say never.”
Which makes it very difficult to tell people my motto.
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