Whenever I eat eggs benedict it reminds me of the time I lived in the Netherlands…
Those were my Holland days…
My wife wants to apply for a job as a steamroller driver.
I promised her I won’t stand in her way.
I gave myself a prostate exam earlier.
That’s the last time I buy toilet roll from Lidl.
I’m writing a musical about about puns.
It’s a play on words.
I’m going to a deodorant party next weekend…
Roll on Saturday.
My pet mouse ‘Elvis’ died last night…
He was caught in a trap.
What do you call a pig with no clothes on?
Streaky bacon.
What kind of nuts are always sneezing?
Cashews.
The inventor of the USB stick has died.
Thanks for the memory.
How to fall down the stairs:
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 6
Step 9
Step 12
Floor
What’s the best thing for a hangover?
Drink loads the night before.
My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants.
I asked “Where’s this stemming from petal?
I’ve just saved over £50 on my weekly shop!!
These self checkouts are awesome!!
Autocorrect is so funny.
My mum tried to text “I love you” and it became “You’re a disappointment. Don’t come home”
My girlfriend said to me, “I’m fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave.”
I said, “You pack them.”
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
I’ve entered the World Push-Up Championships.
I’m going to win it, hands down.
Gloria Gaynor invited six people round for dinner but one didn’t turn up.
“That’s OK,” she told her guests, “I will serve five.”
I couldn’t decide which Asian food I wanted more, Japanese or Chinese.
So I just called it a Thai.
A truck filled with Worcestershire sauce and a truck filled with quinoa crashed in front of the local charcuterie shop.
When asked by reporters what had happened, a witness replied, “Well… it’s kind of hard to say…”
Someone tried to explain binary to me.
I couldn’t understand a bit of it.
My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating.
It was a house warming gift.
I called the incontinence hotline yesterday.
The lady asked if I can hold for a few minutes.
I asked the dentist what the cavity procedure would entail.
He said, “Let me fill you in.”
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