My new bed plays Metallica to help sooth me to sleep.
Nothing else mattress.
I need to get insurance for my 1970’s disco record collection…
I’m taking out an Earth, Wind and Fire and Theft policy…
My wife is kicking me out because she’s fed up with my South American animal puns…
‘OK,’ I said, ‘Alpaca my bags.’
Has anyone else ever used WD40 to get rid of mice?
It doesn’t work, but it stops them squeaking…
I wouldn’t touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!
I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?.
A: He wanted to be a polyunsaturated!
I used to drink all brands of beer.
Now, I am older Budweiser!
My mate just phoned me to tell me he had changed his name by deed poll to spinal column.
“Can I call you back?” I asked.
What do you call a hippo without a butt?
A hippo-bottomless.
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died …
She was eaten by a giant crab.
I asked Sinead O’Connor which evergreen conifer tree she would recommend.
She said nothing compares to yew…
I just got goosebumps…
I told some geese it was my birthday.
The word ‘nothing’ is a palindrome.
‘Nothing’ backwards is ‘gnihton’.
Which also means nothing.
I’ve just realised why Spain are so good at soccer…
No-one expects the Spanish in position.
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity?
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
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