Shopping Jokes

I went to a general store.

They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

Do you want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today.

Sprayed it all over myself, I still can’t fly.

They say never go food shopping when you’re hungry.

But it’s been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.

And he said, “No, you’re right the steaks are too high.”

I bought a grenade today.

Things went horribly wrong when the cashier asked me for my PIN.

It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit.

I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.

He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.

Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’

‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.

My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.

I told him to steer clear.

I’m going to have to return the camouflage jacket I got for Christmas…

I just can’t see myself wearing it.

I told my friend that people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.

He said, “By mistake ?” I replied, “Not you as well !!”

Someone banged into me in the bakery, smashing my pies & pasties.

Serves me right for putting all my Greggs in one basket.

My windscreen was covered in ice this morning and I didn’t have a proper scraper to remove it so I used my store discount card.

But I only got 20% off.

A new shop has opened in town called Moderation.

They have everything there.

Customer-”Is this insecticide good for beetles.

”Shop Assistant:-”No, it’ll kill them!… “

Bought stuff cheap from the Richard III Camping Shop last December.

The sign said “Now Is The Winter Of Our Discount Tents”

I got really emotional this morning at the petrol station..

I don’t know why.. I just started filling up.

Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized…

I don’t even have a coconut.

“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a supermarket”

“How long have you felt like this?”

“Ever since I was Lidl”.

I went to Specsavers the other day and you would never guess who I bumped into.

Everyone.

Spent all of my wages on skin cream.

Bit of a rash decision.

I went into an electrical shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’

The bloke said, ‘Kenwood?’

I said, ‘Where is he then?’

Why did my wife cross the road?

To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago!

eBay is crap!

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 14,983 matches

I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn’t cover a driver.

So I spent all that money, and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

I bought a book yesterday called “Overcoming Kleptomania”.

Well, I say bought…

She sells sea shells by the sea shore…

Surely that’s the worst possible place to try and sell shells?!

Return of the Jedi is not possible without Receipt of the Jedi…

Just seen Elvis in B&Q.

Returned a sander.

The DFS sale has been going for so long even Charles Dickens wrote a story about the time he went there.

The Tale of Two Settees.

I went to the jewelers and said “Can I buy a watch?”

The salesman says “Analogue?”

I said, “No, just a watch please.”

It’s IKEA’s birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter and a whisk, and told them there’s your damn cake.

I said to the baker, “How come all your cakes are 50p, but that one’s £1?”

He said, “That’s Madeira cake”.

I buy all my classical music CDs through the mail and delivered in a padded envelope…

Bach in a jiffy.

Just got 15 Valentines cards!

It’s left me completely breathless.

That security guard at Clinton Cards gave quite a chase.

I’m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.

How could I stoop so low?

I bought a cheap Jack-in-the-box which doesn’t work properly.

No surprises there…

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list…

Now I can’t read anything.

Got one of those memory foam pillows last week…

It’s rubbish, I’ve forgotten where I put it.

I just went into my local shop & asked for a bottle of water…

Shop keeper said, “Still water?”

“Yeah, I haven’t changed my mind,” I replied.

I just spent £100 on a belt that doesn’t fit.

Huge waist.

When one door closes, another one opens.

These IKEA wardrobes are crap!

I once bought an Elvis record at the market called ‘Wooden Leg’.

I said to the man ‘I thought it was called ‘Wooden Heart’ ?’

He said ‘Yes, but this is a pirate copy…’

I bought a massive fish from the supermarket today, and when I got home I found out that all its insides were missing.

Gutted.

Got home from work today to find my kids have been on eBay all day.

If they’re still there tomorrow I’ll lower the price.

I called my dad from the shop saying I’d forgotten what orange juice he asked for.

“Concentrate,” he said, but I still couldn’t remember!

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles.

“Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

I went into a shop and asked “Can I have a bottle of shampoo please?”

The woman said, “Extra volume?”

“CAN I HAVE A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO PLEASE!”

Someone just tried to charge me £100 for some protein powder.

I thought “That’s whey overpriced”.

I remember when you went to a newsagent with £1 and left with 2 bags of crisps, a chocolate bar and a magazine.

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere!

Just opened an online shop selling second-hand mountaineering equipment.

Money for old rope…

I went to a bookstore and saw a book titled “How to solve 50% of your problems”.

I bought 2.

I went to the icecream shop and said ‘I want to buy an icecream’

He said ‘Hundreds and thousands?’

I said ‘We’ll start with the one’

I got a reversible jacket for my birthday.

I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

I just bought a new blindfold, can’t see myself wearing it though.

I bumped into Bonnie Tyler in town.

“Shall we go for a coffee ?”

“Yes, sounds good!”

“Ok then, Starbucks ?”

“No”

“Costa ?”

“No!!!”…

I think she was holding out for a Nero…

I spotted Ronnie O’Sullivan at the garden center yesterday.

I think he was eyeing up a plant…

For her birthday my wife wanted tickets for a cruise to Denmark to see The Temptations…

But instead I drove to Primark to get her four tops.

I’ve just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in Tesco!

I’m ok though, just soft tissue damage….

I was in a shop the other day, they put the heating on full blast, I complained to the manager ‘it’s over 90 degrees in here’

He said ‘Stop being so obtuse!’

A furniture store keeps calling me.

But all I wanted was one night stand.

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into my local store and punched someone in the face.

I’ve just bought 50 bottles of Tipex.

Big mistake!

Retrospectively, I wish I’d bought my baked beans online…

Heinz’s site is a wonderful thing!

I came out of Asda this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.

She’d lost all her holiday money.

I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found £2000 in the car park.

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know…

Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas.

Can’t believe the currant exchange rate!

The CEO of Ikea was elected President of Sweden this week.

He’s still assembling his cabinet…

Went to the classical music record shop today but it was shut…

The sign said; “Gone Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet”

I bought a battery-powered clock today.

When I got home, I noticed that they had given me the wrong one.

I thought “This is a wind up!”

I was buying my wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant; “Are these knickers satin?”

“No” she said, “They’re brand new…”

I accidentally got locked inside a mirror shop last night…

Still, it gave me time to reflect…

I went into a shop to buy a stretcher.

They asked if I wanted to try it out…

I said “No, I don’t want to get carried away…”

The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a bar code.

The farmer thought that the barn he kept his chickens in was haunted.

Had to call an eggsorcist.

Turns out it was a poultrygeist.

My son asked me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

Just bought a low energy light bulbfrom B&Q. Assistant asked “Will you be putting this up yourself?”

I said “No its going in the lounge”

I was at the Ideal Home Exhibition when one of the exhibitors asked me if I wanted to see a model home.

I said, “Sure, no problem, what time does she finish.”

I went into a bookshop the other day, they had a sale on – 33% off all books.

I bought “The Lion, the Witch.”

I just went past a shop selling wigs for only £5.

They look awful but it’s a small price toupee…

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?”

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I’m suing my local fishmongers for selling undersized shellfish. I

’m going to take them to the small clams court…

Did you know, if you put a fish in your ear, you can hear the sound of the fishmonger telling you to put it down and leave his shop…

So I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant “What gets rid of germs?”

She said “Ammonia cleaner.”

I said “Oh sorry, I thought you worked here…”

Just been to B&Q with my wife and she got a ladder in her tights…

She’s an amazing shoplifter.

I was in Tesco on Guernsey the other day, I asked “Where are the beans?”

They said “On the next aisle”.

So I popped over to Jersey…

“What are you going to do this the weekend?“

“I’m going to buy glasses.”

“And then what?”“

“Then I’ll see.”

Sadly we’ve lost some of our local businesses recently.

The bra shop has gone bust, the watch-menders has called time, the paper shop folded, the shoe repairers has been soled, the food blender factory gone into liquidation, and the TV aerial shop called in the receivers…

How much does a grand piano cost?

£1000

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