Alcohol & Drugs Jokes

Welcome to our collection of alcohol and drug jokes, where we blend humor with the serious subject of addiction and recovery. These jokes are crafted to bring a little lightness to tough topics, offering laughs while raising awareness about substance use and recovery. Whether you’re looking for a funny way to lighten the mood or seeking some light-hearted content around the subject of alcohol and drugs, you’ve come to the right place. Remember, laughter can be a great way to spark important conversations and inspire hope.

My struggle with steroid addiction has only made me stronger.

I hate being the only drunk person at a party!!

I’ve totally ruined my 5 year old’s birthday.

Because of the hot weather over the next few days, my boss has said we can bring shorts in!

Jack Daniels it is then!

I spent the morning down at the beach feeding cannabis laced brownies to the seabirds.

No tern was left unstoned.

I told myself I should stop drinking…

But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

What has a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A black coat, white collar, and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one.

“Boss, I’ve got a probl…”

“There are no such things as problems!, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok.. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

I doubt Vodka is the answer, but it’s worth a shot!

My wife gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine, so I’ve added fruit and lemonade to it and now she’s sangria than ever.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

Teacher: How much is a gram?

Pupil: Uhmm, depends on what you need

I got stopped for speeding by a woman police officer.

I almost talked my way out of it by telling her she looked stunning.

Then I messed up by saying, “And that’s not even the drink talking!”

It turns out my school chemistry teacher was right.

Alcohol IS a solution.

The saying, “Say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

If you’re talking to drugs, it’s probably too late to say no to them.

The lottery gives you a 1 in a million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow.

Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

After 10 pints I was dangerously weaving in the middle of the road.

I thought it would probably be safer to make the basket at home.

The female caretaker in my office block asked whether I would hang out with her and smoke marijuana….

I said no, I can’t deal with a high-maintenance woman…

My left shoe says “I don’t smoke or drink”.

My right shoe says “I don’t do drugs”.

They are a pair of sensible shoes…

My wife was making fun of me because I always order the worst drink.

It was a cheap shot.

The school had a big problem with drugs…

especially Class A

Today I have officially been sober for 100 days.

Not like, in a row or anything..

Just in total.

Took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it – I had it, so I got him Carlsberg instead, he didn’t like that, so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and cider…

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his pram…

Rehab Is for Quitters

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question

I’m 60 days clean now.

It’s been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

My wife asked me, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That’s when I realized I’d drugged the wrong glass.

Today I decided I won’t drink anymore…

I won’t drink any less either though.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.

They tumble weed.

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

I came home drunk last night and didn’t want to wake anyone up so I just stuck two French pancakes to my feet and crêped up the stairs…

Wine improves with age. The older you get, the more you like it.

I tried to get into a trendy London nightclub last night. T

he doorman said to me, “Sorry mate, you’ve had too many”.

I replied, “What, drinks?”

He said, “No, birthdays!”

I saw a guy in the pub last night carrying 12 pints of lager.

I thought, that guy can really hold his drink.

A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.

I guess they were having an AA meeting.

I used to drink all brands of beer.

Now, I am older Budweiser!

I finally quit drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

Someone came up to me last night holding a beer and claiming to be a ventriloquist…

But I think it was the drink talking…

Maths and alcohol don’t mix.

Please don’t drink and derive.

I suppose I better get up, get ready and hit the gym.

Sorry typo, I meant gin.

I have just watched a documentary on marijuana.

I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

Who was King Arthur’s alcoholic knight?

Sir Ohsis of the Liver.

I did a survey on how drunk people act at parades.

The results are staggering.

Last night I had a salad for dinner.

It was a fruit salad and had grapes.

Lots of grapes.

It was all grapes.

It was wine.

And that’s not all …..

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)