Teacher Jokes

My teacher accused me of plagiarism.

His words, not mine.

Nice surprise bumping into my old French teacher yesterday.

She asked what I was up to these days and I said that I like to go swimming with my friend and there’s a cat on the chair…

Teacher: How much is a gram?

Pupil: Uhmm, depends on what you need

My geometry teacher has lost his parrot.

Polygon.

It turns out my school chemistry teacher was right.

Alcohol IS a solution.

My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.

But so far I’ve made three jugs and a vase and they’re lovely.

I’ve been really busy teaching hobbits how to play cricket.

Bilbo’s good at catching, but he can’t really Frodo!

I gave up playing rugby at school.

All the teacher kept saying was “nice try”

My maths teacher called me average.

How mean!

I’ve been offered a job teaching poetry in prisons.

I’m considering all the prose and cons…

My teacher always said, “violence is never the answer”.

I’m stuck on the last clue on a £1000 prize crossword.

26 across – behaviour involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.

It’s V _ _ L _ N _ E

Any ideas?

When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my French” just after a swear word.

I’ll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

I’ve decided to become a maths teacher, but I’m only going to teach subtraction.

I just want to make a difference.

What exams do vampire teachers set?

Blood tests.

Little Johnny’s teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, “De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.”

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws. The other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Why do geographers find mountains so funny?

Because they’re hill areas.

What pencil did Shakespeare write with?

2B.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom.

Who invented fractions?

Henry the 1/8th.

What is a math teacher’s favorite sum?

Summer.

Teacher: Craig, you know you can’t sleep in my class.

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded.

Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.

Pupil: Life imprisonment!

Pupil: I don’t think I deserved zero on this test!

Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you!

Teachers deserve a lot of credit.

Of course, they wouldn’t need it if we paid them more.

Where do door-makers get their education?

The school of hard knocks.

Teacher: Why have you got cotton in your ears? Do you have an infection?

Pupil: Well, you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other, so I am trying to keep them it all in!

Kid comes home from the first day at school.

Mom asks, “What did you learn today?”

Kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”

Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Pupil: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

Teacher: You copied from Fred’s exam paper, didn’t you?

Pupil: How did you know?

Teacher: Fred’s paper says “I don’t know” and you put, “Me neither!”

I asked the Gym Teacher “Can you teach me to do the splits?”.

He said, “How flexible are you?”.

I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”.

And that’s not all ….

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