Marriage Jokes

Welcome to the Marriage Jokes section of The Sage Page, where we celebrate the humor and joy found in married life! Marriage is a beautiful journey filled with ups, downs, and plenty of laughs along the way. Our collection of jokes highlights the amusing side of matrimony, perfect for couples, newlyweds, and anyone who appreciates a good laugh. From playful banter and everyday quirks to the humorous moments that only married couples can understand, our jokes capture the essence of partnership and love. So, whether you’re looking to share a smile with your spouse or just enjoy some light-hearted fun, dive into our treasure trove of marriage jokes and let the laughter begin!

At weddings old people always poke me and say you’ll be next!

It’s so annoying!…

So.. I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.

I was speechless.

I got invited to Tony the Tigers wedding.

It was a bit of a frostie reception.

The wedding invite said: ‘Guest+1’.

So I turned up an hour late.

Why did the melons plan a big wedding?

Because they cantaloupe!

The therapist told me I might have a marriage phobia and asked if I thought I had any symptoms.

I said, “I can’t say I do.”

He said, “Yeah, that’s the main one.”

Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side.

She had to.

We’ve only got one chair.

Meatloaf got married to an accountant.

She’ll do anything for love but she won’t do VAT…

I married my wife for her looks …

Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately

Two spiders got married and bought their first home.

I was so happy for the newlywebs.

The highlight of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope.

I’d never seen an insect run off to get married before!

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

My wife kept saying I should treat her like a princess.

So I forced her to marry an old guy she’s never met to secure an alliance with the French.

My wife said she’d only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.

I can’t wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!

I spelled out “marry me?” in balloons outside the house of a girl I met on the internet.

When I finally met her in person for the first time, I popped the question.

My wife accused me of being self-important.

I nearly fell off my throne.

Two antennas met, fell in love and eventually got married.

The wedding ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

My wife said to me, “If you won the lottery, would you leave me?”

I said, “Of course not. I’d need someone to do my new girlfriend’s laundry.”

My wife tells me I’m a skeptic – but I don’t believe a word she says.

My wife heard it’s seductive to bite her lip.

I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s meant to be the bottom one.

My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too impatient.

I can’t wait.

My biggest regret is my mother-in-law didn’t live long enough to attend my wedding.

She was the one person who might have stopped it.

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.

Never marry a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too arrogant.

I told her to close the door on the way back in.

My wife is like a luxury German car.

She emits gases and then denies it.

My wife said she’s leaving me because I think I’m a supermarket cashier.

I said, “Would you like any help with your packing?”

If my wife made whiskey …

I’d love her still.

My wife told me she was leaving me because she couldn’t live with me always making stupid Star Wars puns.

I said, “Divorce is strong with this one…”

My wife worships me.

She puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.

My wife’s cooking is incredible …

With a silent “cr”.

My wife has a really odd way of starting conversations.

She always begins by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”

My wife has been missing for a week and the police told me to prepare for the worst.

So I went to the charity shop and got all her clothes back.

I visited my wife’s grave earlier today.

A guy came past and said, “Morning.”

I said, “No, just walking the dog.”

A young boy goes to his Dad one day and says, “Dad, did you know in some countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married?”

The dad replies, “It’s like that everywhere, son.”

Wives are like grenades.

Remove the ring and BOOM, your house is gone!

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids.

Apparently, she left me two days ago.

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …

She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

I introduced my new girlfriend to my family today.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed kind of mad.

My wife’s such a bad cook she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

And there’s more ….

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)