Welcome to the spookiest corner of the internet! Our Halloween jokes page is packed with fang-tastic puns, ghoulish giggles, and eerie one-liners that will tickle your funny bone. Whether you’re looking for light-hearted laughs for your Halloween party or just want to add some humour to the haunting season, we’ve got jokes that are wickedly funny for all ages. Get ready to cackle along with us – if you dare!
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Money is a bit tight, so I’m not buying any apples this Halloween.
That should save me a bob or two…
I told my wife: There’s only one thing that scares me during Halloween… #
My wife: “Which is?”
Me: “Exactly”
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried it for a spell.
What sound does a witch’s car make?
Broom broom.
What sort of exams do witches do?
Spelling tests.
What’s a dyslexic wizard’s biggest problem?
They can’t spell.
A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls last week.
Actually it was more of a spell check.
My house is being haunted by the ghost of a dead chicken.
It’s a poultrygeist.
I’ve just found out my wife is really a ghost.
To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door…
Just bought a boomerang from a ghost…
That’ll come back to haunt me…
What kind of ghost has the best hearing?
The eeriest.
Local ghost stopped paying his mortgage and ended up being repossessed.
Why don’t Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrate Halloween?
They don’t like random strangers knocking on their door.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house?
Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I was a Congressional bill for Halloween this year.
Stayed in the House and didn’t accomplish anything.
What is the most famous Halloween building?
The Vampire State Building.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Spice Girls’ music is excellent at Halloween.
The vocals can be Scary.
Last Halloween, I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a car key.
They threw me out because I looked like I might start something.
Two monsters went to a Halloween party.
Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
What’s the first thing bats learn in school?
The alpha-bat.
How do girl vampires flirt?
They bat their eyes.
How do vampires get into their houses?
Through the bat flap.
How did the two bat lovers first meet?
On a blind date.
What do you call a baby bat?
A battle.
How are bats like real-estate agents?
It’s all echo-location location location.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
Why did Dracula take medicine?
To stop his coffin.
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas.
There’s only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
Why can’t Superman beat Dracula?
Because he’s afraid to go into the crypt tonight.
Where does Dracula buy his pencils?
Pennsylvania.
Count Dracula returned a mirror to my shop yesterday.
He said it wasn’t faulty, he just couldn’t see himself using it.
What happened when Dracula uploaded illegal content to YouTube?
A Count suspended.
What do ghosts wash their hair with?
Shamboo.
Why are ghosts so fat?
Because they’re scared to exorcise.
Why did the tiny ghost join the football team?
He heard they needed a little team spirit.
Why do ghosts hang out at bars?
Because they like booze.
Which room will you never see a ghost in?
The living room.
When a street performer dies, does he become a ghost busker?
Why are ghosts such bad liars?
Because you can see right through them.
What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
Boo-berry pie.
Where does a ghost go on vacation?
Mali-boo.
What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
The scary go-round and the roller-ghoster.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.
They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.
What do you call a male mummy with a cold?
I’m not sure either. Sir Cough I guess.
Why are mummies scared of vacation?
They’re afraid to unwind.
Why didn’t the man accept the mummy’s business proposition?
He thought it might be a pyramid scheme.
I passed my mummy embalming exam easily.
It was a no-brainer.
Why are mummies so hard for archaeologists to find?
Because they’re all kept under wraps.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
Wrap music.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
Because his heart wasn’t in it.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain on Halloween?
He could feel it in his bones.
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
The sax-a-bone.
Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
How do you catch a skeleton?
With a rib cage.
What do you call a vaping vampire?
Vlad the Inhaler.
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can’t handle the stakes.
Why are vampires so impulsive?
They never reflect on things.
I’ve set up a company to rid people of vampires.
I’m the main stakeholder.
Why don’t vampires go to barbecues?
They don’t like steak.
When does an idea kill a vampire?
When it dawns on them.
What do you get if you cross a teacher with a vampire?
A blood test.
Which fruit is a vampire’s favorite?
A neck-tarine.
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
“You just follow the instructions.”
“Which instructions?”
“Yeah, they’re the ones.”
Witches and wizards don’t fart.
They cast smells.
Where do witches bake their cookies?
In a coven.
How did the first witch talk to the second witch?
She cauldron the phone.
Why do witches have their names printed on their shirts?
So you can tell which witch is which.
Why do witches not wear a normal hat?
Because there’s no point in it.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterwarts.
Why didn’t the witch ride on her broom when she was upset?
She was afraid she would fly off the handle.
What do you call a witch who goes to the beach?
A sand witch.
A man says to a werewolf, “You’re a werewolf.”
The werewolf says, “Yes, I’m awere.”
What’s the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
What is a werewolf’s favorite day of the week?
Moonday.
What did the werewolf say to his friends when they met?
Howl y’all doing?
What do you call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer.
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
A dead man wokking.
What do dyslexic zombies eat?
Brians.
What’s the one thing all zombies want?
Piece of mind.
What’s a zombie’s favorite drink?
A stiff one.
If zombies eat humans…
Does that mean they bite the hand that feeds them?
What’s a zombie’s favorite type of bean?
Human beans.
Why did the zombie stay home from school?
He felt rotten.
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