Welcome to the ultimate collection of Mother and Mother-in-law jokes! Whether you’re looking for light-hearted quips about the quirks of motherhood or classic one-liners about the joys (and challenges) of having a mother-in-law, we’ve got a mix of playful, witty, and affectionate humour. Perfect for sharing a laugh with family or adding some fun to any gathering, these jokes celebrate the special bond – with a cheeky twist! Dive in and enjoy some good-natured fun that everyone can relate to!
I asked my mother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
Lovely woman, terrible surgeon.
I was once abducted by aliens.
They made me wash my hands, blow my nose, clean my room, and eat my vegetables…
Turns out I was on the mothership.
So my mother-in-law asked if I would play Twister with her…
That put me in a very awkward position!
What do you call a short mother?
A minimum.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
What’s my mother going to do?
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying, “Here comes the train”, and we always used to eat it straight away.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.
My dad, my mum and myself have always had two obsessions; collecting fungi seeds and the Queen song ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’.
I’m just a spore boy from a spore family…
My mum always used to say “40 is the new 30”.
Lovely woman, banned from driving.
My Mum’s sister keeps taking the law into her own hands…
She’s a vigilauntie.
When I left home, my mum said “Don’t forget to write”.
I thought, “That’s unlikely”…
It’s a basic skill isn’t it….
Bought my mum a fridge for her birthday.
You should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it!
My son just asked me why does mummy always cry when she cuts an onion.
I told him she feels guilty because she stole it from the supermarket.
“Mum, why does everyone at school pick on me?”
“I’ve no idea, Someoneyourownsize.”
Ate a kids meal at McDonald’s today…
His mum was furious.
Told the wife that Mum is deaf so speak loud and slow.
Told Mum that the wife has something wrong with her.
My Mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.
I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”
I shouted to my Mom on Mother’s Day, “How does breakfast in bed sound?”
She said, “Ooh that sounds lovely!
I said, “Great, I’ll have bacon, fries and two eggs.”
I asked my Mom what she wanted for Mother’s Day.
She said, “Thanks son, but all I want is a bit of caring and looking after.”
So I put her in a nursing home.
For Mother’s Day, I bought my Mom new beads for her abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
I got my Mom a scratchcard for Mother’s Day but I couldn’t resist scratching it off myself, and would you believe it – it was a $10,000 winner!
I’m sure she’ll like the flowers.
As today is Mother’s Day, I have three special words for my Mom:
“What’s for dinner?”
My friend asked me what I’d bought for Mother’s Day.
I said, “Some suspenders and sexy underwear and I’ve booked a hotel room.”
He said, “Don’t you think that’s a bit inappropriate for your Mom?”
I said, “Oh it’s not for my Mom. It’s all for yours.”
I thought breakfast in bed would be a nice Mother’s Day treat for my Mom.
So I’ve put a camp bed next to the stove for her.
A mother is trying to get her son to eat his carrots. She says, “You know they’re good for your eyes.”
The son says, “How do you know that?”
The mom replies, “Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?”
For Mother’s Day, I bought my Mom a mug that says, “From the world’s worst son”.
I forgot to mail it but I think she knows anyway.
What are the best type of flowers for a boy to buy his Mom for Mother’s Day?
Son flowers.
Why is a computer so smart?
Because it listens to its motherboard.
Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
What’s the difference between Superman and mothers?
Superman is only a superhero every now and then. Mothers are superheroes all the time.
Why do mothers have to have two visits to the optometrist?
Because they also have eyes in the back of their head.
I got a new car for my Mom this Mother’s Day.
It’s the best trade I ever made.
As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”
She answered, “Well… for as long as you like.”
“Not even for coffee??”
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
I picked up my newborn daughter to stop her crying.
My mother-in-law commented, “Wow, she really settled for you quickly!”
“Just like her mother.”
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
Ever since it started raining my mother-in-law has been standing and looking sadly through the window.
If it gets ever heavier I may have to let her in.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
I took my dog, my social media addict daughter and my mother-in-law in the car yesterday.
I can’t afford a car stereo but I still have a woofer, a tweeter and a loud-speaker.
The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.
They only spoke to her for two minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.
We let my mother-in-law come down to visit us every Christmas.
Well she can’t stay on the roof all year.
A wife calls her mother in-law and asks her, “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?”
The mother in-law yells, “The mother of course!”
The wife says, “Then come clean up your drunk son!”
Anagram of mother-in-law:
Woman Hitler.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
I was walking down the street with my wife when we saw six guys beating up my mother-in-law.
My wife yelled, “Hey, aren’t you going to help?”
I said, “No, six should be enough.”
“Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Jones, isn’t it your mother-in-law’s funeral today?”
“Well you know how it is. Work first, then fun.”
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose…
Would you go to lunch or a movie?
“Diana!” I said, greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door.
She replied, “My name is Anna!”
I said, “Yes. Yes I know.”
My mother in law bought a talking parrot, but returned it a week later.
“This parrot hasn’t spoke a single word.” She complained.
“I haven’t had a chance to!” Replied the parrot.
What’s the penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
I bought my mother-in-law a chair for her birthday.
But my wife wouldn’t let me plug it in.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.
I was amazed.
I never knew they worked.
I’ve been searching for three years for my mother-in-law’s killer.
But I still can’t find anyone to do it.
What do you call mixed emotions?
Watching your mother-in-law reverse off a cliff in your brand new car.
Two men are sitting in a pub when one turns to the other and says, “My mother-in-law is a saint.”
To which the other man replies, “You’re so lucky! Mine’s still alive.”
I discovered my mother-in-law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.
I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.
Last night a police officer knocked on my door and said, “Sir, it looks like your mother-in-law has been hit by a bus”
I replied, “I know, but she has a great personality.”
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