Tag Archives: funny

Played football last night on a pitch surfaced with rubble and broken bricks. We won 3-1 on aggregate. A lorry has spilled its load of bricks over the road. Police say queues are building. I got some barbeque-flavoured crisps. They taste of bricks and mesh. How do you hire a horse? Put a brick underContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Tuesday’s tram transit of tasty tarts …”

I was in a shop the other day, and there was an empty tester bottle of perfume with a sign saying “out of odour”. Sting has launched an aromatherapy range. It’s a massage in a bottle. I saw someone holding a pair of shoes to his ears. Apparently, he was listening to sole music. AfterContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Friday’s factory fabrication of fish flavoured fries …”

I never go anywhere without my collection of maps. I would be lost without them. I got a new thesaurus recently. It’s nothing to write house about. I’m looking for a book on how to fix automatic gearboxes, but the library only has manuals. Wish I’d never got a tattoo of a bonfire on myContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Thursday’s thrifty thimble of tepid tequila ….”

I was walking around the hospital yesterday looking to visit my Nanna in the daycare center when I noticed a big sign. ‘Stroke Patients Here’ I never did get to visit my Nanna, thanks to hospital security. A fish has been convicted of murder in America. He’s now on Death Roe… A new study revealsContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Wednesday’s wasteful waterfall of weathered walnuts ….”

Went to a trendy restaurant and had a pelican curry. Tasted ok, but the bill was enormous. A friend of mine used to live in a lake filled with ducks but he moved out when he got fed up with all the bills. I’ve been sacked as the singer in a D:Ream tribute band asContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Friday’s fragile fragrance of fantastic fancifulness …”

What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs? An elephant with diarrhea. My 4-year-old daughter just said to me: “Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said on the internet? Isn’t it just inherently dishonest? It seems as though they require positive reinforcement from people on the internet they’ve neverContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Thursday’s trivial triumph of treacherous transgressions ….”

I know a dog who goes and sits in the corner every time the doorbell rings. He’s a boxer. I saw a toddler with a tiny Edam strapped to his bike. Must have been his baby bell. You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. You can tune a piano,Continue reading “Joke of the Day: Monday’s miraculous mansion of manky macaroons ….”

When Noah wanted to check how many bees he had, he had a look in the arc hives. What was the Soviet Union’s most secretive insect? The Cagey Bee. I love being covered in snot and honey. It’s the bees’ sneeze. I saw a bee fly right into a bell. I thought, “That’s a realContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Saturday’s sonic salvo of substandard sentences”

Had lunch yesterday at an excellent Christian restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”. They also do takeaways. Today I have officially been sober for 100 days. Not like, in a row or anything.. Just in total. My neighbour said she would lend me her waterproof canvas sheets for my camping holiday. Ta Pauline. I made aContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Monday’s meaty meteor of mutating moonshine …”

Fed up with the laundry basket. I’m going to throw the towel in. Turned down a job emptying laundry baskets at the local monastery as I didn’t want to pick up any dirty habits. I’ve decided to put all my eggs in one basket so I don’t look daft walking around the supermarket. What doContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Sunday’s sodden salvage of satirical shipwreck”