Joke of the Day: Police

The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down.

But it was arson.

A lorry load of Brillo pads was stolen last night.

Police are currently scouring the area…

A lorry carrying onions has shed its load all over the M1.

Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on.

The police knocked at my door last night… “Sorry for troubling you sir, but can we have a quick word?”

I said, “Velocity?”

A terrorist attack has blown away two local houses, one made of straw & the other made of wood.

Police think that its probably a lone wolf.

Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.

They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.

News just in: Local police have acquired 1,000 bees.

They’re believed to be used as part of a sting operation.

I got stopped for speeding by a woman police officer.

I almost talked my way out of it by telling her she looked stunning.

Then I messed up by saying, “And that’s not even the drink talking!”

I got pulled over by a traffic policeman.

He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”

I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.

He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.

A load of irons were stolen from a launderette…

Police want to do a press conference.

Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform.

I thought it was a bit odd.

Then I realised he was one of those plane clothes cops.

Breaking News!

Police are warning of a large volume of fake passports and photo driving licences hitting the black market this month.

Beware the IDs of March….

Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him…

He has a history of violins…

Police want to interview a man suspected of burglary wearing stockings and suspenders…

However, the Chief Constable has insisted they wear their normal uniform.

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that…

The police rang me earlier to say they’d recovered my stolen three piece suite!

Which was nice of them, it was starting to look a bit tatty

BREAKING NEWS !

The M25 is blocked after a lorry shed its load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes…

Police say the traffic is pretty stationery…

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern!

Police are currently investigating a raid at Tiffany’s in London.

The suspects were last seen running just as fast as they can…

BREAKING NEWS!

A Cadburys lorry and a Lego truck have collided on the motorway.

Police say the road is choc a block…

BREAKING NEWS!

Big delays on the motorway this morning after a truck carrying grain collided with an Ovaltine lorry.

Police describe it as a malty vehicle accident…

Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police haven’t got a lead.

I went into the Police station and saw a man with three stripes on his arm and a trifle on his head…

He was the custardy sergeant.

What did the police officer say to his belly?

You’re under a vest!

My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns…

I said, “O.K…..I’ll give it arrest.

Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups.

I’ve got to go to the police station later to look at some mugshots…

I found a box of frozen fish in the street the other day.

I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus kippers…

BREAKING NEWS!

Thieves broke into WH Smiths last night and stole A4 files, folders, poly pockets and dividers.

Police are looking for a gang of organised criminals…

Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.

Police think it was the work of rug addicts.

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.

He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.

Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.

Cases continue to rise…

2 boys have been stopped by police for riding a vacuum cleaner down a steep hill.

A police spokesman said “those boys were Dyson with death”

What do you get when you cut a Policeman’s Head in 4 Pieces?

Police Head Quarters..

2 policemen knocked on my door last night.

They said “we’ve been getting complaints”

“You should start doing a better job then!” I replied

Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

A lorry has spilled its load of bricks over the road.

Police say queues are building.

BREAKING NEWS!

A lorry carrying snooker equipment has shed it’s load on the M1.

Police are reporting cues in both directions.

Police have found a dead body at a Dominos which was covered in ham, cheese and pineapple.

Police believe he may have topped himself.

Thieves who stole three tonnes of tarmac are believed to currently be in hiding.

A police spokesman said; “We are hoping that they will resurface soon”.

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