Joke of the Day: Secrets

For the past 20 years, I’ve had a Valentine’s card from a secret admirer. I was sad I didn’t get one this year! First, my gran dies, and now this! I’ve been banned from the Secret Cooking Society… I kept spilling the beans. What was the Soviet Union’s most secretive insect? The Cagey Bee. I’mContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Secrets”

Joke of the Day: Music

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’ I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down. Went to the annual disco for the UK Dyslexic Association lastContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Music”

Quote of the Day: Vegetables

My mate just passed his NVQ in vegetarianism. He’s quiche stage one. I was once abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, blow my nose, clean my room, and eat my vegetables… Turns out I was on the mothership. My local greengrocer has won a contract to supply root vegetables to the SouthContinue reading “Quote of the Day: Vegetables”

Joke of the Day: Garden

In order to make a relationship work you have to make a lot of sacrifices…. Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden. My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water…. I think he meant well. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil toContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Garden”

Joke of the Day: Cheese

I’ve started using geese heading south for winter to shave small pieces of cheese. They are migrating birds. I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese. She was a cracker. I’m off cheese hunting at the weekend, it’s going to be great. Just me and my friend, shooting the bries…Continue reading “Joke of the Day: Cheese”

Joke of the Day: Chemistry

Why was the chemist arrested? He threw sodium chloride at his girlfriend. That’s a salt. Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead. What happens if someone steals uranium? It becomes theiranium. What’s the friendliest polyatomic ion? Bromate. Oxygen and potassium wentContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Chemistry”

Joke of the Day: Royalty

Which king invented the fireplace? Alfred The Grate. I’ve invented a new Kings of Leon smoke alarm . Instead of just beeping it goes, Whooooooooooooooooooohhhoooooooooooa your house is on fire. Simba was always the last of the pride to get out of bed. He was the lie-in king. Why is it that so many KingsContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Royalty”

Joke of the Day: Tennis

My wife asked, “Do you know any tennis puns?” I said, “No, they’re not really my forte love”. I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players… The servers are currently down. My wife said to me “There are 14 reasons why I’m leaving you, and don’t even get me started on your tennis obsession!” IContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Tennis”

Joke of the Day: Success

I’ve just successfully bred a cross between a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I bet that’ll come back to bite me… My mate needed a bone marrow transplant. We found a match in Argentina. The operation was a success. Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor. I started carrying a knife after an attemptedContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Success”