Highlighter pens are going to be a real problem one day, mark my words…
People thought that Tina Turner had moved into my spare room last weekend but she was simply the guest…
Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.
What do you call someone who doesn’t like carbs?
Lack-Toast Intolerant.
A bouncy castle owner has married a lady who runs a coconut shy.
They said it was fête that had brought them together…
I asked the vicar “Father, this is a really nice church, what period is it from?”
He said, “It’s Norman.”
I said, “Sorry Norman, this is a really nice church, what period is it from?”
My first ever job was working in Argos but I was completely hopeless at it and made lots of mistakes.
It was a catalogue of disasters….
I had a terrible nightmare that I was trapped inside a snow globe!
I’m OK though, just feel a bit shaken up…
I’ve just seen a guy running down the road with a cape on…
I shouted, “Are you a Superhero?”
He replied “No!! I haven’t paid for my haircut !!…”
Did you know that ants are the only animals that don’t get sick?
It’s true! It’s because they have little antibodies.
Dave drowned.
So at the funeral, we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it’s what he would have wanted.
I slept like a log last night.
I woke up in a fireplace…..
My friend asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was.
It was a complete guess, but I was right.
My kid broke two of my Freddie Mercury records.
Now he wants to break three.
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
I left my job today.
I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.
He said, “Andrew, you’re fired.”
Why don’t boxers have sex the night before their fight?
They really don’t like each other that much.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
The Sage Page 
It’s a grey, damp and cool day here in God’s own country (=English summer), so your one liners really cheered me up 😁👍.
Many grassy arses.
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How’s life at the Pig’s? Any unruly customers you’ve had to ban?
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Morning, your sagacity.
No unrulies for a long time – but whereas we used to get on average 3-400 visits a day, we’re lucky o get 200 a week these days.
This is the 14th year the Pig’s has been open for business. I think there are over 2,500 posts and I’ve been through some difficult few years that have demanded most of my time to make a quid and stop the palace from falling into disrepair (our place was built in 1895, turned into 5 bed sits in 1950 and we’ve been clawing it back to not heritage but a house of historical significance – since 12992).
In all those years, we’ve not sold a thing at the pub (but we have had people trying to buy completely made up products like USB toasters and our own beer “Trotter’s Ale”).
In all those years I’ve only had to ban one dude. We’ve prevented one suicide and failed to prevent another. But we’ve had and still do have a whale of a time .
I invented some characters who have developed lives of their own – Foodge – who thinks he’s a lawyer and private detective, Father O’Way – the local priest at St Generic Brands – who like superman has a second life as an international troubleshooter, the Hells Angles – our pub’s motorcycle gang – who, through a typographical error, attracted people who are interested in geometry.. And we have pub staff – Mervyn Purvis – the publican – perpetually polishing glasses with a less than hygenic rag, two mister sisters – male nurses – now both retired (actually real people), Granny – a surprisingly sexy and attractive septuagenarian – who runs the kitchen and changes the kegs. Granny is famous for one dish – her potato wedges with sour cream and sweet chilli jam.
And the regular we actually did talk out of taking his own life – and who writes absolutely hilarious off the wall pieces like the sport of cricket in space and Emmjay who sits in the Ladies’ Lounge writing stuff (because it’s quieter in there) and whose characters sometimes engage him in conversation, often complaining about their dialogue or lack thereof. And there are more, but hey, I have to write a couple of job applications… so see you later – thanks for asking – it’s been a relief taking a break bullshitting myself into a lucrative but (Christ I’m over it) job 🙂
See you round, like a rissole. (quote from Kev Kavanna – butcher to the stars).
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I’m just waiting for your stand up comedy night. I went to you “open mike” night but found out it was a live post mortem group.
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