Joke of the Day: Tuesday’s torturous triumph of terrible tittle-tattle …

A crow walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, “I hope your friends aren’t coming.”

“Last time they were here, there was a murder.”

I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden.

I realized that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

I was so angry earlier that I threw my keyboard against the wall and parts flew everywhere.

That’s when the shift hit the fan.

A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Caesar.

I said I’d take a stab at it.

Doctor: “So, you’re telling me that you have a problem hearing with one of your ears. Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, I’m definite.”

What kind of drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

During chemistry class, I learned that sulphur dioxide should never be poured into a metal container.

It’s just an oxidant waiting to happen.

This morning I saw a guy dragging a clam on a leash.

And I thought, “It must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.”

My wife wanted to go on vacation but I wanted a staycation.

So we compromised and had an altercation.

The first rule of ‘Cliff Richard Club’ is that we don’t talk anymore about ‘Cliff Richard Club’…

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

I’ll tell you what, never again.

I got asked today ” Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?”

I said ” Obviously a lift engineer”

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?

Cornflakes.

If there’s one thing that makes me throw up it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

I told my therapist that I kept dreaming about John Lennon.

She said, “You’re not the only one”.

Just heard a woman on the radio saying her aim to lose weight is so she can fit into her wardrobe.

“Jesus Christ, how fat must she be?!” I exclaimed.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar.

Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a quid in.

It’s currently half empty…

I always found the fishmonger at our local market to be pretty unfriendly.

In fact, I’d describe him as a little standoffish!

I got drunk last night and threw all my son’s building bricks away.

I was totally legoless !!!

I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read ‘War And Peace’ in 30 seconds.

It’s only 3 words but it’s a start.

I banged on my neighbour’s door and said, “Your cat has just urinated all over my rhubarb!”

He said, “Sorry to hear that. Is it bad?”

“I’ll say” I huffed, “I was eating it with custard at the time.”

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof.

Awful news as there is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The police are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

Kids in my street are having a water fight and I can’t help but join in.

Just waiting on the kettle to boil and I’ll be straight out.

My Uber driver said to me today “I love my job, I’m my own boss. No one tells me what to do”.

“Please turn left” I replied.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out my customers didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

I just saw Beyonce on her way to Wimbledon to watch the tennis.

She’s going to see all the ladies singles, all the ladies singles…

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