Joke of the Day: Wednesday’s waste-strewn wonderland of wanton wit ….

My wife just accused me of looking like someone who doesn’t know how to shave properly…

Bloody cheek!

I don’t do jokes about small wooden ladders going over dry stone walls, that’s not my style..

First rule of Thesaurus Club.

You don’t talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip, or natter about Thesaurus Club.

I was arguing with my wife in Nando’s when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw.

I wish he would stop taking sides.

I just ate my alarm clock, it was so time-consuming.

I saw a van with a “No tools left in this van overnight” sticker on the back.

So I broke in during the day.

My wife left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD…

I told her to close the door five times on her way out!

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to poop your pants.

He’s still making fun of me though.

A mime artist broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested.

He still has the right to remain silent.

What do you call an alligator that’s wearing a vest?

An investigator.

I’ve recently developed an irrational fear of elevators.

I’m now taking steps to avoid them.

I said to my wife, “I’ve lost the dictionary.”

She said, “Have you looked upstairs?”

I said, “I can’t look up anything!”

My friend was sent to prison last year for excessive burping.

He’s finally been let out with a pardon.

My wife just asked me if I’d finished making puns about small onions.

I said, “Yes, that shallot”.

Therapist: What brings you in today?

Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.

Therapist: How bad is it?

Me: It comes in waves.

My friend got taken to hospital because he’s convinced that he’s turned into a vacuum cleaner.

Just phoned to see how he is and they say he’s picking up.

I’ve just finished my degree in sandwich fillings.

I do my final eggs ham tomorrow.

My boss accused me of never taking him seriously.

“I don’t agree with that,” I told him.

He said, “Can I see you in my office?”

I said, “Depends if the lights are on.”

I was fired from my job as a test marker.

I don’t know why; I always gave 100%.

My wife made a list of the ten reasons she wants a divorce.

1. I don’t seem to care.
2. I’m not a good listener.
3. Etc.

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