Joke of the Day: Monday’s magical moped of malodorous misfires ….

Just got the best score in ‘Caribbean darts’…

100 and Haiti !!!

I saw an advert saying; ‘Hairpieces from £5’.

I thought ‘That’s a small price toupee’…

I went to see the world’s biggest fan yesterday .

I was totally blown away.

What do you call a man in a slow-cooker?

Stu!

I get a thrill out of stealing kitchen utensils.

I’m a whisk taker.

Took a dip in the pool….

Lifeguard said ‘What you got there?’

I said ‘hummus’

Rest in peace boiling water.

You will be mist.

Insomnia is awful.

On the plus side, only three more sleeps until Christmas.

If I got 50p for every maths test I’ve failed, I’d have about £9.20 by now.

I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

How do you drown a hipster?

Throw him in the mainstream.

The first rule of suspense club is

My Gran died because we couldn’t remember her blood type.

As she died, she kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

Just before I die I’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels!

My cremation is going to be epic.

What’s the best thing for a hangover?

Drink loads the night before.

“Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life.” my boss told me.

“It got me to the ‘International Sarcasm’ finals in Chile in 2009.”

“Really?”

“No”

How did the farmer find his wife?

Tractor.

Just watched a film about Steven Spielberg getting circumcised.

Think it was the director’s cut.

My girlfriend has threatened to leave me over my obsession with 70s American comedy.

Happy days!

Told my girlfriend that I don’t want to go to an 80’s fancy dress party.

But she remains adamant.

I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day.

He wasn’t very happy.

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