Joke of the Day: Thursday’s thoughtless theory of thankless throat-clearing ….

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Did you hear about the man who bent down to pick up a sieve and strained himself?

People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.

But take a look at me now.

Went to a ‘kleptomaniac’s anonymous’ meeting but arrived a bit late.

By the time I got there, all the seats had been taken…

I went into a bookshop the other day, they had a sale on – 33% off all books.

I bought “The Lion, the Witch.”

A pirate goes to the doctors, “Thar be strange moles on me back…

” Doctor says “they’re benign”

“Check again matey, I think thar be ten…”

I went into a shop and asked for a bottle of water…

Shop keeper said “Still water?”

I replied “Yep, I haven’t changed my mind.”

I watched a coughing contest on TV between residents of Botany Bay, Whitley Bay, and Morecambe Bay.

I love the Great British Bay Cough.

Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

Why did Karl Marx write in lowercase letters?

Because he hated capitalism.

I’ve developed a taste for fabric conditioner.

My doctor says it’s just Comfort eating.

How does the pope buy things on eBay?
He uses his papal account.

I’ve joined a club for Tourette’s sufferers –
it took 4 hours to get sworn in.

After months of unemployment and bad luck I’ve just been offered a job in a telescope factory.

Things are really looking up.

My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Someone came up to me last night holding a beer and claiming to be a ventriloquist…

But I think it was the drink talking…

I just witnessed a fight between an auctioneer and a hairdresser…

They were going at it hammer and tongs…

My teenage daughter can’t decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer.

I guess she’ll have to flip a coin.

Heads or tales.

I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent.

It goes without saying…

My wife said she wanted to be treated for her birthday.

So I painted her with Cuprinol.

What would confuse a mentally challenged person?
Answer: A pineapple.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)