Joke of the Day: Sunday’s swearfree swimlane of sweet sweat

What did the doctor say to the patient who insisted on sewing up their own wound?

“Suture self.”

Just received an invoice from the Origami Society…

I’m not sure what to make of it?

Lost my watch at a party once.

Then I saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl.

I walked up to the dude and punched him in the nose.

No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

What has five toes but isn’t your foot?

My foot.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today…

Found a joke in the bin today.

It was rubbish.

I’ve just switched our gas and electricity to come from a supplier in Hawaii…

It’s Aloha tariff.

Jon Bon Jovi has started an extremely strict fruitarian diet.

He’s living on a pear.

Do you know anyone who drinks petrol?

My mate Gerry can.

For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening…

Lance is an uncommon name these days, however, in medieval times people were named Lance a lot…

Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé.

“Whatever floats your boat”. She said.

“No” I said, “that’s buoyancy”

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Once I caught a fish alive…

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Just been banned from Sea World again.

The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has just died.

RIP Scott Chegg.

I finally quit drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

I don’t hold grudges, my father did and I always hated him for it.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)