Sports & Games Jokes

I threw a boomerang five years ago and it never came back.

Now I live in constant fear.

I’m just back from competing in the ‘Sun Tanning World Championship’.

I got bronze.

My wife asked, “Do you know any tennis puns?”

I said, “No, they’re not really my forte love”.

Just moved to a really rough area, I went to the local pub for a quiz night and the first question was “What are you looking at?!”

I missed the World Hairdressing Championships on TV last night.

Does anyone know if they’re showing highlights?

I used to feed gorillas at my local zoo from a distance using a golf club.

I’d drive them bananas.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.

And he said, “No, you’re right the steaks are too high.”

The only birthday gift I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

I went fishing at the weekend and this guy was splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, “I can’t swim! I can’t swim!”

“It’s alright, buddy,” I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, “It says no swimming anyway”.

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down.

I used to go out with a girl called Lyndsey Doyle…

She smelt like a cricket bat.

In the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named Landfill..

Turns out it was a rubbish tip.

I entered a palindrome contest today…

I got top spot.

My wife just left me because I was obsessed with cricket.

It’s really hit me for 6.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend…

My best game of Scrabble ever.

My wife said to me “There’s 14 reasons why I’m leaving you, and don’t even get me started on your tennis obsession!”

I said “Well that’s 15, love…”

I just bought ‘Cluedo: Swingers Edition’.

It turns out they all did it……in every room!

I used to own a racing snail.

I thought taking its shell off would make it faster but it only made it more sluggish.

I’ve never really fancied trying the bobsleigh but I’d probably have a go if pushed…

I’m thinking of organising a hide & seek competition.

But good players are so hard to find…

If there’s one place I can’t stand…

It’s an ice rink…

If anyone knows any good fruit machine jokes, give me a nudge…

A limbo champion walks into a bar.

He got disqualified.

My mate used liquorice as bait when he went fishing.

He caught all sorts.

I went bobsleighing last night.

Killed fifteen people called Bob.

I’m entering the world’s tightest hat competition…

Just hope I can pull it off…

The look on my sons face, when he opened his Birthday present & saw it was flattened cardboard.

I said “You did say you wanted an ex-box?”

My mate had some shocking news, his wife has left him for a jigsaw designer.

He’s in absolute pieces…

It was hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey, but I’ve turned myself around.

A lorry carrying a load of snooker equipment has crashed on the M25…

The driver is under a rest and the cues go back miles.

I’ve always been nervous about posting Monopoly puns but today I thought I’d take a chance…

My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him a Xbox game for his Playstation.

Today the Liverpool team visited an orphanage in Liverpool.

“It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Jimmy age 6

The wife just threw six cricket balls at me…

“What’s up ?” I asked.

“It’s over” she replied.

I’ve just invented a new Golf ball that will go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches.

Note to self: Do NOT put them in back pocket.

Bad at golf?

Join the club.

Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?

Just in case you get a hole in one.

I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt…

My dad was renowned for ‘thinking outside the box’.

Great guy…

Terrible goalkeeper.

When I told my wife I was looking at flights on the internet, she got very excited!

Which was odd as she’s never shown an interest in darts before.

I got pulled over by a traffic policeman.

He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”

I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.

He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.

I’m trying to think of a good boxing joke but I’m struggling to come up with a punchline…

I’ve been really busy teaching hobbits how to play cricket.

Bilbo’s good at catching, but he can’t really Frodo!

I feel really bad for the Mexican Olympian disqualified from weightlifting for excessive use of protein.

They told him, “No whey, Jose.”

I’ve got a new job working shift work making chess sets.

I’m on Knights next week.

I just got a new personal best in the 100 meter sprint!

73 meters.

I gave up playing rugby at school.

All the teacher kept saying was “nice try”

The World Lumberjack Championships has just finished.

It was won by tree fellers from Ireland.

So my mother-in-law asked if I would play Twister with her…

That put me in a very awkward position!

The man who invented the word search has died.

His funeral will be held next…

T T I S P V G K M P H J G U O

N Q U X N M O N D A Y W E

W Z B A T K T E N O P G R T

H C V N K O T D I M C B E T

Last year Sir Paul McCartney was disqualified from The London Marathon.

He was banned on the run…

I spotted Ronnie O’Sullivan at the garden center yesterday.

I think he was eyeing up a plant…

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

On a related note…

I suck at darts.

Just had a water fight on the park with a bunch of local kids.

I won!

No one’s a match for me and my kettle.

If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over and say 7up is lemonade.

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant.

We found a match in Argentina.

The operation was a success.

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.

My local greengrocer has won a contract to supply root vegetables to the South African rugby team…

I thought ‘That’s a turnip for the Boks.’

At the Olympics I saw an athlete carrying a long stick and asked him: “Are you a pole vaulter?”

He replied: “No I’m German but how do you know my name is Walter?”

Why is the divorce rate so high with tennis players?

To them, Love means nothing.

Welcome to Sea Life Bingo.

Eyes down for your first number.

Clickety click, dolphin with a stutter.

My teacher always said “violence is never the answer”.

I’m stuck on the last clue on a £1000 prize crossword.

26 across – behaviour involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.

It’s V _ _ L _ N _ E

Any ideas?

OK, so “Naked Running” apparently means; no music, no watch, no GPS, no electronics…

Would have been nice to have known that an hour ago!

A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today…

Doctors have said that he should be okay but he’s not out of the woods yet…

I was telling my doctor earlier how my tennis elbow was really hurting.

She said, “How many years have you had it for?”

I said “15 Love”

I went to Kyoto for the ‘World Anagram Championship’…

Turns out it was in Tokyo.

I played in the Pearl and Dean corporate golf day once…

I scored par par par par par par par par par par par…

If you can’t hear a pin drop, there’s something wrong with your bowling.

My wife and kids are threatening to leave me because I am obsessed with horse racing.

And they’re off!

Breaking News The Irish fencing team has withdrawn from the Olympics already!!

They’ve ran out of creosote.

Just lost in the final of the ‘UK Crossword Championship’…

Gutted isn’t the word!

Went to the doctor and he told me I needed a pacemaker.

So now I’ve got this annoying Kenyan athlete two yards in front of me everywhere I go!

My wife said I’m addicted to football stadiums, and that she’s going to divorce me.

I said, “On what grounds?”

I went to a fancy dress competition last night dressed as a giraffe…

I didn’t win but at least I can hold my head up high…

And the award for best neckwear goes to…

Well would you look at that!, it’s a tie!

Did you hear about the cheese that failed to medal at the Olympics?

It fell at the final curdle.

A boxer complains to his doctor about insomnia.

Doc “Have you tried counting sheep?”

Boxer “Yes, but whenever I get to 9, I stand up”

I got the best score in ‘Caribbean darts’…

100 and Haiti !!!

I used to go out with a javelin thrower.

But then she chucked me.

My wife has just dumped me as she says I am obsessed with chess.

So far I have managed to keep my emotions in check.

Just come back from the London Marathon after-race party…

I was hoping to see lots of famous celebrities, but all I saw were loads of b listers…

If laziness was an Olympic sport. I’d come in fourth so I wouldn’t have to walk up to the podium.

A bloke came to the pub last night dressed in a black top, black shorts and a whistle.

I said to my mate “it’s going to kick off in a minute”

For sale: Muhammad Ali DVD collection. George Foreman grill. Both boxed.

My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

Just been to the doctors and told him I was finishing crossword puzzles too quickly.

He replied “Try not to get two down”

If you’ve never worn a blindfold when playing darts before then you should try it,

You don’t know what you’re missing.

My family are worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles.

It’s ok though, I know where to draw the line.

Played frisbee in the park with my dog yesterday.

Not much good though,

I think I’m going to need a flatter dog….

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table…

I had to get a running start but I made it!

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

I know a dog who goes and sits in the corner every time the doorbell rings.

He’s a boxer.

Played football last night on a pitch surfaced with rubble and broken bricks.

We won 3-1 on aggregate.

Didn’t do well in my football teamwork exam.

I didn’t pass.

Who will take the second shot in this epic game of snooker?

We’ll find out after the break.

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.

The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied, “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

Why can’t you play cards with a pirate?

Because they are standing on the deck….

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship.

I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult to get all the roads closed and provide enough water for everyone.

2 cats were in a swimming competition.

One was called “une deux trois”.

One was called “One Two Three”.

Which cat won the competition?

One Two Three.

Because Une Deux Trois Quatre Cinq.

Just spotted exactly the same crossword clue for an eleven-letter word in two different newspapers.

Coincidence?

I like watching football matches when I’m at the hairdressers.

The coverage is the same but the highlights are better.

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