Gambling Jokes

I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

Rehab Is for Quitters

My wife bet me I couldn’t do a butterfly impression.

I thought to myself, that’s got to be worth a little flutter!

They say one in every seven friends has a gambling addiction.

My money’s on Dave.

Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a Gamblers Anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..

He kept nudging me.

A gambling gardener usually hedges his bets.

“I once visited a bookmakers in the Himalayas.”

“Tibet?”

“Why else would I go?”

Got asked to leave the casino the other night.

They said I had a chip on my shoulder.

A gambler walks into the butcher shop and says to the assistant behind the counter, “I bet you $100 you can’t get that meat down from the top shelf without a ladder.”

The assistant looks up, turns to the gambler, and replies: “I’m afraid I can’t take that bet, sir. The steaks are too high.”

Gambling is really like eating pistachios.

If you get a good pistachio, you want another good one.

If you get a bad one, you want a good one even more.

And that is gambling for you, in a nutshell.

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but then I realized she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

My friend’s poker game is getting out of hand.

Last night he bet his new-born son in a tense moment.

I thought to myself, “I’ve got aces; I might have to raise him.”

I put a bet on a horse because I was told it had excellent breeding.

After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.

A friend of mine keeps insisting on skipping through flower meadows.

I think he has a gamboling problem.

Do you know what would make gambling hotlines better?

Make every 5th call a winner.

What do you call a professional poker player who broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.

I was walking down the road earlier and I tripped over a sign from the local betting shop.

What are the odds on that?

Why is gambling illegal in China?

Because they hate Tibet.

What did the gambling addicts name their daughter?

Betty.

I’m going to an ABBA-themed poker night.

The winner takes it all.

Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet.

Because I lost my car in poker last night.

A small man admitted himself to rehab with a gambling addiction.

It’s okay.

He’s a little better.

I sold all my body parts to feed my gambling addiction.

Maybe I should quit while I’m a head.

A queen was caught gambling.

She had a royal flush.

What do you call someone greater at gambling than you?

A better better.

I gambled on a giraffe race the other day.

Mine came second.

Lost by a neck.

It was nowhere near.

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one-bedroom flat.

Why don’t vampires like gambling?

They get nervous when the stakes are raised.

What does a gambling addict call heaven?

Pair-a-dice.

I took a gamble and bought a small boat without seeing it first.

It was a punt.

Why is there no gambling in Africa?

Too many cheetahs.

What did the dealer say to the deck of cards?

I can’t deal with you anymore.

Why are large maps rubbish at playing poker?

They always fold.

And there’s more…

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)