Husband Jokes

I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”

“Is this her first child?” he asked.

“No, this is her husband.”

Wife: What do think you’re playing at coming home half drunk??!

Husband: I ran out of money.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow

I got all sentimental when I saw my husband looking at our marriage certificate for half an hour.

Then I found out he’s been looking for an expiry date.

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.

He keeps standing by the window, staring.

If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

My husband said he wanted more space.

So I locked him outside.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you, and a dog only takes a couple of months to train.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

They’re hard to get started, emit foul odours, and don’t work half the time.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right.

And the other is a husband!

Police Inspector: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?

Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.

Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?

Husband: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it.

In any argument, a wife has the last word.

Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

Wife: Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?

Husband: How can I? I don’t even know her.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude.

He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

My husband cooks for me like I’m a god… by placing burnt offerings before me every night!

What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner?

She gave him the cold shoulder.

Wife: It’s our anniversary, darling. How do you suggest we celebrate?

Husband: With a minute of silence?

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

Wife: Yes and no.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)