Welcome to our collection of 100 hilarious, kid-friendly jokes guaranteed to bring giggles and grins! Whether you’re looking to liven up a family gathering, impress your classmates, or just have a good laugh, we’ve got you covered. From silly puns to classic knock-knock jokes, there’s something here for kids of all ages. So, get ready to chuckle, groan (in a fun way), and maybe even share these jokes with your friends and family. Laughter is contagious—let’s get started!
I was just looking at my ceiling.
Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.
I can hardly contain myself.
Where are average things built?
In the satisfactory.
You can never ‘run’ through a campsite.
You can only ‘ran’ as it’s past tents…
Have you been a victim of faulty double glazing?
You could be entitled to condensation.
The English language is pretty strange and confusing.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
Never give a donation to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They’ll take the money and run.
I hate people who talk about me behind my back.
They discussed me.
New idea: invisible aircraft …
I can’t see that taking off…
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
I’m giving away a free broken gate.
Honestly, there’s no catch.
Got a taxi to the launderette.
Cost me £30!
I felt like I’d been taken to the cleaners…
I’m giving away my chimney for free.
It’s on the house.
I dreamt I had to write my own epitaph.
That’s a grave sign.
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they’re standing.
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.
I’ve had it right up to here with them.
My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water….
I think he meant well.
Major: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning, Sergeant!”
Sergeant: “Thank you, Sir!!”
Never fight a dinosaur.
You might get jurasskicked…
My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month .
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
I went into the bank the other day, and asked the cashier for a statement.
She said “My name is Carol and I work in a bank…”
I spent 25 minutes waving to an old woman this morning…
Then I realised she was cleaning her windows!
Banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
My indoor clothes dryer broke this morning..
It was the end of an airer.
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That’s where I draw the line.
I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week.
It was OK. Nothing to write home about.
If anyone wants to come and discuss how bad my DIY skills are…
My door’s always open…
I got called pretty today.
Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
My mate bought a car just to get him from A to B…
The trouble is, he lives in Kew…
I visited my new friend in his apartment.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate visitors.
I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company…
I’m now the main stake holder.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the track.
Someone tore the fifth page out of my calendar.
I’m so dismayed.
So I’ve started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I’m going to try Velcro instead of shoes laces.
I mean, why knot?
I rang the council today to ask if I could have a skip outside my house?
The bloke said “You can cartwheel around the block for all I care”
People have been making hurtful remarks about me choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
– but I don’t like to point fingers.
Have I told you about the time I tied my shoelaces with just the power of my mind?
Thought knot.
I hate perforated lines, they’re tearable.
When I see lovers names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute,I just think it’s strange how many people take knives on a date.
Recently joined a dating group for pyromaniacs.
Got a match straight away…
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
I’ve just seen a man with no arms cycle past me.
I’m not sure of his name but his face rang a bell…
I failed my driving test theory.
The question said: “What is a sign you may see on a country road?”.
Apparently “Pick your own strawberries” isn’t an acceptable answer…
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
People call me self centred.
But that’s enough about them.
I had a fight with a man on some moving stairs today..
It started at the bottom and just escalated from there.
Never mind the ice, I’ve just slipped on the floor in the local library..
I was in the non-friction section.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”.
I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
They say you should test your fire alarm at least once a month.
But it’s costing me a fortune in houses.
Yesterday, I painted half of my face like a clown and went for a drive.
I don’t think anyone saw the funny side.
I got an odd-job man in.
He was useless.
Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, 10 dead.
Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall.
He was a terrible king but he made a great ruler.
Please don’t use odd and obscure colognes and perfumes…
Common scents, people!
The Abominable Snowman gets called all sorts of unkind names…
And yeti never complains…
Everybody repeat after me: ‘We are all individuals.’
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I’ve been invited to a hair-washing party…
I can’t think of an excuse not to go?!
6.30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I stopped at the petrol station to pump up my tyre’s and noticed that the price was now £2!
Oh well, that’s inflation for you I suppose.
I’m so strong I can lift buildings!
Well… only if it’s a lighthouse.
I was going to post a picture of me that i took in a field of wheat, but it was grainy.
Went to a water park, tried a couple of slides and now I’m worried I’m getting addicted.
It’s a slippery slope.
Filed my nails earlier.
They’re in the “N” drawer.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?”
I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”
I just lost 20% of my couch.
Ouch.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
I bumped into the inventor of the globe last night.
It’s a small world…
Exit signs – they’re on the way out aren’t they?
I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…
Crematoriums.
Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.
I ended up making an exhibition of myself…
What if the fly on the wall told the elephant in the room about the skeleton in the cupboard…?
You invented TippEx, correct me if I’m wrong.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
What do I know about bonsai trees ?
Very little.
I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush.
There’s no plaque.
I went to Poole on holiday.
In Dorset?
Yes I can thoroughly recommend it…
I once used to date an archaeologist but I had to break up with her.
She just kept digging up the past…
Velcro . . .
what a ripoff.
The advantage of easy origami is twofold…
Feeling sad as my clothes horse has finally broken beyond repair after I’ve had it for 25 years…
It’s the end of an airer.
I just ate my alarm clock, it was so time consuming.
I don’t do jokes about small wooden ladders going over dry stone walls, that’s not my style.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The postman.
The postman who?
Look, do you want this parcel or not?
Spent six hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt.
It was a complete waist of time.
As a kid I wasn’t a fan of facial hair.
But then it started to grow on me.
“Does this uniform make me look fat?”
Insecurity Guard
I wanted to tell you all about a colour I made up…
Turns out, it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
My inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now, I’m living in a flat.
Pirate Leader: Men, I need to know how to say the number 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I never question myself.
Why should I start now?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Always try to be modest.
And be damn proud of it!
A day for firm decisions!
Or is it?
If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same.
Then you’ll have a match.
If today has taught me three things, it’s that I should write more stuff down and two other things.
Just heard that the government is banning Roman numerals!!
Not on my watch!
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
I just sold all my glove puppets.
A collector phoned and offered me £200 to take them off my hands…
Old yachtsmen don’t die…
They just keel over.
How deep would the ocean be without sponges?
I found a four leaf clover!
It’s a bit creased, I was going to iron it but I don’t want to press my luck..
Nothing succeeds like a budgie with no teeth.
I overheard two of my friends talking about me the other day…
I said, “you disgust me.”
“Yes, we did.” they replied.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the gas board had dug up the pavement again.
Fed up with the laundry basket.
I’m going to throw the towel in.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
Purple is my favorite color!
I like it more than blue and red combined.
I bought a toilet brush yesterday.
But I gotta say I still prefer toilet paper.
I like jokes.
But jokes about air conditioners?
Not a fan.
People say I’m condescending.
That means I talk down to people.
Me and my reclining chair – we go WAY back..
Found a joke in the bin today.
It was rubbish.
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
Me lazy?
Don’t get me started.
Just say NO to negativity.
Breaking news!!! ne ws
To the person who stole my place in the queue…
I’m after you now.
To the guy that found my empty wallet …
I don’t know how to repay you.
I was going to post about anti-climaxes, but in the end I didn’t.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.
Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
I know she ate a worm but we are not here to debate de bait deb ate…
I keep meaning to stop procrastinating.
Avoid cliches like the plague.
(They’re old hat.)
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
I don’t believe in sceptics.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
People saying “BOO!!!” to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year…
That’s a frightening statistic.
I once met a girl who runs a battery kiosk in our local park…
She sells C cells by the seesaw…
Yes it is.
Is time travel possible?
I once went on the big dipper at Blackpool and cried all the way round…
That was an emotional rollercoaster.
I saw a man walking down the road with a sign under his arm that read, “& Emergency”.
“Where did you get that from?” I asked.
He said “I found it by Accident.”
My imaginary friend is staying this weekend. I’ve made his bed up.
Tea is for mugs.
Help please.
The postman dropped a letter on my hall floor today and on the letter it says do not bend.
How do I pick it up?
Saw a fire blanket the other day.
Didn’t understand it, I thought fires were hot already.
I never go anywhere without my collection of maps.
I would be lost without them.
Cannibals like to meat people.
And there’s more …..
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