Never hold a cat and a Dustbuster at the same time.
the sage
Cats are naturally calm, reasonable creatures who respond particularly well to sudden mechanical noises occurring six inches from their face. Unfortunately, nobody has ever explained this to the cats. The Wise Sage therefore recommends keeping all domestic cleaning appliances a safe distance from anything possessing claws and a strong sense of personal grievance.
The danger usually begins innocently. You notice some crumbs on the sofa while holding the cat. Rather than put the cat down, walk three feet and then pick up the Dustbuster, you decide to save approximately four seconds by attempting both jobs simultaneously. This is what accident investigators refer to as “the decision.”
The moment the motor starts, several things happen at once. The cat becomes approximately twelve feet long, develops twice the normal number of claws and attempts to leave the room through whichever part of your body happens to be nearest. You, meanwhile, instinctively tighten your grip, thereby convincing the cat that the vacuum cleaner attack is actually a carefully coordinated human conspiracy.
If you accidentally activate the Dustbuster while already holding the cat, do not panic. Simply place everything on the floor and retreat. Do not attempt to explain yourself. Cats have little interest in mitigating circumstances and may require several hours—and possibly chicken—to reconsider your relationship.
Advanced practitioners should also avoid vacuum cleaners, hairdryers, electric drills and anything else capable of making a cat instantly reconsider the benefits of domestication. A sleeping cat may appear relaxed, but internally it remains approximately half a second away from becoming airborne.
Should you ignore this advice, keep a first-aid kit nearby and wear clothing you weren’t particularly attached to. Above all, never laugh afterwards. Cats have excellent memories and considerably more access to your bedroom than you have to theirs.
As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for shredded clothing, traumatised upholstery, or waking at 3am to discover the cat sitting silently on your chest waiting for revenge.
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