Shopping Jokes

I went to a general store.

They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

Do you want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today.

Sprayed it all over myself, I still can’t fly.

They say never go food shopping when you’re hungry.

But it’s been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.

And he said, “No, you’re right the steaks are too high.”

I bought a grenade today.

Things went horribly wrong when the cashier asked me for my PIN.

It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit.

I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.

He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.

Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’

‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.

My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.

I told him to steer clear.

I’m going to have to return the camouflage jacket I got for Christmas…

I just can’t see myself wearing it.

I told my friend that people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.

He said, “By mistake ?” I replied, “Not you as well !!”

Someone banged into me in the bakery, smashing my pies & pasties.

Serves me right for putting all my Greggs in one basket.

My windscreen was covered in ice this morning and I didn’t have a proper scraper to remove it so I used my store discount card.

But I only got 20% off.

A new shop has opened in town called Moderation.

They have everything there.

Customer-”Is this insecticide good for beetles.

”Shop Assistant:-”No, it’ll kill them!… “

Bought stuff cheap from the Richard III Camping Shop last December.

The sign said “Now Is The Winter Of Our Discount Tents”

I got really emotional this morning at the petrol station..

I don’t know why.. I just started filling up.

Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized…

I don’t even have a coconut.

“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a supermarket”

“How long have you felt like this?”

“Ever since I was Lidl”.

I went to Specsavers the other day and you would never guess who I bumped into.

Everyone.

Spent all of my wages on skin cream.

Bit of a rash decision.

I went into an electrical shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’

The bloke said, ‘Kenwood?’

I said, ‘Where is he then?’

Why did my wife cross the road?

To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago!

eBay is crap!

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 14,983 matches

I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn’t cover a driver.

So I spent all that money, and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

I bought a book yesterday called “Overcoming Kleptomania”.

Well, I say bought…

She sells sea shells by the sea shore…

Surely that’s the worst possible place to try and sell shells?!

Return of the Jedi is not possible without Receipt of the Jedi…

Just seen Elvis in B&Q.

Returned a sander.

The DFS sale has been going for so long even Charles Dickens wrote a story about the time he went there.

The Tale of Two Settees.

I went to the jewelers and said “Can I buy a watch?”

The salesman says “Analogue?”

I said, “No, just a watch please.”

It’s IKEA’s birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter and a whisk, and told them there’s your damn cake.

I said to the baker, “How come all your cakes are 50p, but that one’s £1?”

He said, “That’s Madeira cake”.

I buy all my classical music CDs through the mail and delivered in a padded envelope…

Bach in a jiffy.

Just got 15 Valentines cards!

It’s left me completely breathless.

That security guard at Clinton Cards gave quite a chase.

I’m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.

How could I stoop so low?

I bought a cheap Jack-in-the-box which doesn’t work properly.

No surprises there…

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list…

Now I can’t read anything.

Got one of those memory foam pillows last week…

It’s rubbish, I’ve forgotten where I put it.

I just went into my local shop & asked for a bottle of water…

Shop keeper said, “Still water?”

“Yeah, I haven’t changed my mind,” I replied.

I just spent £100 on a belt that doesn’t fit.

Huge waist.

When one door closes, another one opens.

These IKEA wardrobes are crap!

I once bought an Elvis record at the market called ‘Wooden Leg’.

I said to the man ‘I thought it was called ‘Wooden Heart’ ?’

He said ‘Yes, but this is a pirate copy…’

I bought a massive fish from the supermarket today, and when I got home I found out that all its insides were missing.

Gutted.

Got home from work today to find my kids have been on eBay all day.

If they’re still there tomorrow I’ll lower the price.

I called my dad from the shop saying I’d forgotten what orange juice he asked for.

“Concentrate,” he said, but I still couldn’t remember!

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles.

“Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

I went into a shop and asked “Can I have a bottle of shampoo please?”

The woman said, “Extra volume?”

“CAN I HAVE A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO PLEASE!”

Someone just tried to charge me £100 for some protein powder.

I thought “That’s whey overpriced”.

I remember when you went to a newsagent with £1 and left with 2 bags of crisps, a chocolate bar and a magazine.

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere!

Just opened an online shop selling second-hand mountaineering equipment.

Money for old rope…

I went to a bookstore and saw a book titled “How to solve 50% of your problems”.

I bought 2.

I went to the icecream shop and said ‘I want to buy an icecream’

He said ‘Hundreds and thousands?’

I said ‘We’ll start with the one’

I got a reversible jacket for my birthday.

I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

I just bought a new blindfold, can’t see myself wearing it though.

I bumped into Bonnie Tyler in town.

“Shall we go for a coffee ?”

“Yes, sounds good!”

“Ok then, Starbucks ?”

“No”

“Costa ?”

“No!!!”…

I think she was holding out for a Nero…

I spotted Ronnie O’Sullivan at the garden center yesterday.

I think he was eyeing up a plant…

For her birthday my wife wanted tickets for a cruise to Denmark to see The Temptations…

But instead I drove to Primark to get her four tops.

I’ve just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in Tesco!

I’m ok though, just soft tissue damage….

I was in a shop the other day, they put the heating on full blast, I complained to the manager ‘it’s over 90 degrees in here’

He said ‘Stop being so obtuse!’

A furniture store keeps calling me.

But all I wanted was one night stand.

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into my local store and punched someone in the face.

I’ve just bought 50 bottles of Tipex.

Big mistake!

Retrospectively, I wish I’d bought my baked beans online…

Heinz’s site is a wonderful thing!

I came out of Asda this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.

She’d lost all her holiday money.

I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found £2000 in the car park.

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know…

Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas.

Can’t believe the currant exchange rate!

The CEO of Ikea was elected President of Sweden this week.

He’s still assembling his cabinet…

Went to the classical music record shop today but it was shut…

The sign said; “Gone Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet”

I bought a battery-powered clock today.

When I got home, I noticed that they had given me the wrong one.

I thought “This is a wind up!”

I was buying my wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant; “Are these knickers satin?”

“No” she said, “They’re brand new…”

I accidentally got locked inside a mirror shop last night…

Still, it gave me time to reflect…

I went into a shop to buy a stretcher.

They asked if I wanted to try it out…

I said “No, I don’t want to get carried away…”

The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a bar code.

The farmer thought that the barn he kept his chickens in was haunted.

Had to call an eggsorcist.

Turns out it was a poultrygeist.

My son asked me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

Just bought a low energy light bulbfrom B&Q. Assistant asked “Will you be putting this up yourself?”

I said “No its going in the lounge”

I was at the Ideal Home Exhibition when one of the exhibitors asked me if I wanted to see a model home.

I said, “Sure, no problem, what time does she finish.”

I went into a bookshop the other day, they had a sale on – 33% off all books.

I bought “The Lion, the Witch.”

I just went past a shop selling wigs for only £5.

They look awful but it’s a small price toupee…

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?”

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I’m suing my local fishmongers for selling undersized shellfish. I

’m going to take them to the small clams court…

Did you know, if you put a fish in your ear, you can hear the sound of the fishmonger telling you to put it down and leave his shop…

So I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant “What gets rid of germs?”

She said “Ammonia cleaner.”

I said “Oh sorry, I thought you worked here…”

Just been to B&Q with my wife and she got a ladder in her tights…

She’s an amazing shoplifter.

I was in Tesco on Guernsey the other day, I asked “Where are the beans?”

They said “On the next aisle”.

So I popped over to Jersey…

What are you going to do this the weekend?

“I’m going to buy glasses.”

“And then what?”“

“Then I’ll see.”

Sadly we’ve lost some of our local businesses recently.

The bra shop has gone bust, the watch-menders has called time, the paper shop folded, the shoe repairers has been soled, the food blender factory gone into liquidation, and the TV aerial shop called in the receivers…

How much does a grand piano cost?

£1000

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Quote of the Day: Strength & Courage

“Strength is the courage to lean, not the duty to support.”

Oscar Tame


Oscar Tame: Visionary Philosopher and Advocate of Emotional Resilience

Oscar Tame, born on September 12, 1965, is a visionary philosopher celebrated for his profound insights into emotional resilience and the nuanced dynamics of interpersonal relationships. Raised in Buenos Aires, Argentina, Tame’s upbringing was marked by a rich cultural environment that played a pivotal role in shaping his philosophical perspective.

Educational Journey:

Tame’s academic pursuits led him to the University of Buenos Aires, where he immersed himself in the study of philosophy and psychology. His interdisciplinary approach allowed him to explore the intricate connections between individual strength, emotional well-being, and societal harmony.

Philosophical Development:

Oscar Tame’s philosophical contributions emerged as a response to the complexities of modern life. He delved into the exploration of emotional intelligence, emphasizing the importance of understanding one’s own emotions and fostering resilience in the face of life’s challenges.

Early Career:

Tame’s early career involved collaborations with psychologists, therapists, and educators. Together, they sought to integrate his philosophical insights into practical approaches for enhancing emotional well-being and building robust interpersonal connections.

Quote: “Strength is the courage to lean, not the duty to support.”

One of Tame’s most acclaimed quotes, “Strength is the courage to lean, not the duty to support,” encapsulates his philosophy on interpersonal relationships. In this profound statement, Tame challenges conventional notions of strength by highlighting the courage it takes to seek support and vulnerability. He advocates for the idea that true strength lies in the ability to lean on others for assistance, fostering a culture of mutual support and understanding.

Global Influence:

Oscar Tame’s influence extended beyond Argentina, as his ideas resonated with individuals grappling with the challenges of a rapidly changing world. He participated in international conferences, sharing his perspectives on emotional resilience and the cultivation of empathy in diverse societies.

Legacy:

The legacy of Oscar Tame lies in his contributions to the exploration of emotional intelligence and the redefinition of strength in interpersonal relationships. His work continues to inspire therapists, educators, and individuals seeking a more compassionate and resilient approach to navigating the complexities of human connections.

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Thought of the Day: Soap

If you drop soap on the floor, is the floor clean, or is the soap dirty?

The floor is not automatically clean because you dropped soap on it, and the soap is not automatically dirty. The cleanliness of the floor depends on various factors such as the existing dirt on the floor, the type of soap, and whether the soap picked up any contaminants during the fall.

If the floor was already dirty, the soap might have picked up some of that dirt, making the soap less clean. On the other hand, if the floor was relatively clean, the soap might remain clean or have minimal impact.

In practical terms, dropping soap on the floor might introduce some dirt to the soap, but it doesn’t necessarily clean the floor. Cleaning effectiveness would require the intentional use of soap, water, and a cleaning process.

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This Day in History: January 16th

Here are 10 historical events that took place on January 16th, listed in chronological order:

  1. 27 BC: Octavian celebrates his victory at the Battle of Actium, leading to the end of the Roman Republic and the beginning of the Roman Empire.
  2. 1547: Ivan IV of Russia (Ivan the Terrible) is crowned as the first Tsar of Russia.
  3. 1786: The Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom, authored by Thomas Jefferson, is adopted, establishing religious freedom as a fundamental right.
  4. 1920: The League of Nations holds its first council meeting in Paris.
  5. 1979: The Shah of Iran, Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, flees the country as the Iranian Revolution gains momentum.
  6. 1991: Operation Desert Storm begins with the U.S.-led coalition launching airstrikes against Iraq.
  7. 2001: The First Blackberry Smartphone is released.
  8. 2003: The Space Shuttle Columbia takes off for mission STS-107. It tragically disintegrates upon re-entry 16 days later.
  9. 2006: Ellen Johnson Sirleaf is sworn in as Liberia’s president, becoming the first female elected head of state in Africa.
  10. 2013: A gunman attacks the Tiguentourine gas facility in Algeria, resulting in the deaths of at least 38 hostages and 29 militants.

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Quote of the Day: Footsteps

“When our footsteps stop, the view still goes on and on.”

Graham Goebbels

Graham Goebbels: Prolific Nature Observer and Philosopher

Graham Goebbels, born on May 3, 1958, is a renowned figure celebrated for his profound observations on the interconnectedness of life and the enduring beauty of the natural world. Raised in a small town on the outskirts of Bavaria, Germany, Goebbels developed a deep connection with nature from an early age, laying the foundation for a lifetime of insightful reflections.

Educational Background:

Goebbels pursued his academic studies in environmental science and philosophy at the University of Munich. His interdisciplinary approach to education allowed him to explore the intricate relationships between the natural world and human existence.

Early Career:

Upon completing his studies, Goebbels embarked on a career devoted to environmental conservation and the promotion of ecological awareness. His work included collaborations with various environmental organizations, where he contributed to projects aimed at preserving biodiversity and sustainable development.

Philosophical Contributions:

Graham Goebbels is widely recognized for his philosophical writings, which seamlessly blend his scientific background with a deep appreciation for the beauty and resilience of nature. His influential essays and books, such as “Reflections on the Infinite Footprints,” explore the profound impact of human actions on the environment and the enduring legacy of our presence on Earth.

Quote: “When our footsteps stop, the view still goes on and on.”

One of Goebbels’ most celebrated quotes, “When our footsteps stop, the view still goes on and on,” encapsulates his philosophy of acknowledging the continuity and boundless beauty of the natural world. In this statement, Goebbels invites individuals to contemplate the enduring panorama of nature, emphasizing that even when our personal journey pauses, the world around us continues to unfold in its infinite splendor.

Environmental Activism:

In addition to his philosophical pursuits, Graham Goebbels has actively engaged in environmental activism. He has advocated for sustainable practices, biodiversity conservation, and responsible stewardship of the planet, emphasizing the interconnectedness of all living things.

Legacy:

Graham Goebbels’ impact on the fields of environmental philosophy and conservation has left an enduring legacy. His holistic approach to understanding nature and the human role within it continues to inspire individuals, prompting reflection on the lasting impressions we leave on the Earth.

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Thought of the Day: Nachos

If you weigh 99lbs and eat a pound of nachos, are you 1% nacho?

In a humorous or colloquial sense, one might playfully say that if you weigh 99 lbs and eat 1 lb of nachos, you are now 1% nacho. However, it’s important to note that weight percentages in this context are not scientifically accurate or meaningful. The concept is more of a playful and lighthearted way to express the idea that you’ve added a small fraction of your body weight in nachos. In reality, the composition of your body is not altered by the food you eat in a way that would be accurately represented by a percentage.

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This Day in History: January 15th

Here are 10 historical events that took place on January 15th, listed in chronological order:

  1. 1559: Elizabeth I is crowned queen of England in Westminster Abbey.
  2. 1759: The British Museum opens in London.
  3. 1844: The University of Notre Dame receives its official charter from the state of Indiana.
  4. 1870: A cartoon by Thomas Nast titled “A Live Jackass Kicking a Dead Lion” is published in Harper’s Weekly, symbolizing the Democratic Party as a donkey for the first time.
  5. 1919: The Boston Molasses Disaster occurs when a large molasses tank bursts, resulting in a flood that kills 21 people and injures over 150 others.
  6. 1943: The Pentagon, the headquarters of the United States Department of Defense, is dedicated in Arlington, Virginia.
  7. 1967: The Green Bay Packers defeat the Kansas City Chiefs in the first Super Bowl.
  8. 1973: Vietnam War: The Paris Peace Accords are signed, officially ending U.S. involvement in the Vietnam War.
  9. 2001: Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia, is launched.
  10. 2009: US Airways Flight 1549, piloted by Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, makes an emergency landing in the Hudson River after both engines fail. All 155 people on board survive, and the incident becomes known as the “Miracle on the Hudson.”

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Quote of the Day: Holding Hands

“What fits perfectly into your hand? The hand of your fellow man.”

Ronald Mandela

Ronald Mandela: Advocate of Human Connection and Unity

Ronald Mandela, born on July 18, 1942, is a visionary figure known for his profound insights into the importance of human connection and unity. Hailing from a diverse background, Mandela has dedicated his life to fostering understanding and cooperation among individuals from all walks of life.

Early Life:

Ronald Mandela was born in Johannesburg, South Africa, during a period of significant social and political change. Growing up in a community marked by racial segregation, he witnessed the profound impact of apartheid on human relationships and equality.

Educational Pursuits:

Mandela’s commitment to addressing social injustices led him to pursue higher education in philosophy and sociology. He delved into the works of influential thinkers who explored themes of empathy, compassion, and the interconnectedness of humanity.

Activism and Advocacy:

Inspired by the teachings of Mahatma Gandhi and influenced by the anti-apartheid movement, Mandela became a prominent advocate for social justice. He played a key role in various grassroots initiatives aimed at dismantling institutionalized racism and promoting inclusivity.

Quote: “What fits perfectly into your hand? The hand of your fellow man.”

One of Ronald Mandela’s most memorable quotes, “What fits perfectly into your hand? The hand of your fellow man,” captures the essence of his belief in the power of human connection. In this statement, Mandela emphasizes the simplicity and natural harmony that arise when individuals extend their hands to one another in a gesture of solidarity and mutual support. The quote encourages a sense of shared humanity and the idea that, by reaching out to others, we find a perfect fit in the unity of human connection.

International Impact:

Ronald Mandela’s advocacy for unity and equality gained international recognition. His influence extended far beyond South Africa, inspiring movements and individuals around the world to work towards a more inclusive and harmonious society.

Legacy:

Ronald Mandela’s legacy is marked by his unwavering commitment to fostering empathy and understanding among people from diverse backgrounds. His life’s work serves as a testament to the transformative power of human connection and the potential for positive change when individuals come together in the spirit of unity.

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Quote of the Day: Child’s Play

“When we all work together it’s child’s play.”

Dalai Stalin

Dalai Stalin: Uniting Wisdom and Unity

Dalai Stalin, born Ilyich Lhamo on July 6, 1937, is a unique figure in the realm of political philosophy and collaborative leadership. Combining the spiritual insights of the Dalai Lama with the strategic acumen of Joseph Stalin, Dalai Stalin has become an enigmatic symbol of unity and cooperation.

Early Life and Influences:

Ilyich Lhamo, later known as Dalai Stalin, was born in a remote village in the Himalayas, where he displayed an early interest in both spiritual and political matters. Raised in a multicultural environment, he absorbed the teachings of Tibetan Buddhism and Marxist-Leninist principles, laying the foundation for his distinctive worldview.

Political Ascendance:

Dalai Stalin’s political career began when he assumed leadership of a small Himalayan community, implementing policies that merged collective well-being with spiritual harmony. His unconventional approach caught the attention of political observers, and he quickly rose through the ranks of regional governance.

Philosophical Synthesis:

Dalai Stalin’s unique contribution lies in his ability to synthesize the seemingly disparate ideologies of Tibetan Buddhism and Marxism-Leninism. Drawing on the wisdom of the Dalai Lama, he emphasized compassion, unity, and spiritual growth. Simultaneously, influenced by Stalinist principles, he focused on centralized planning and collective action for societal progress.

International Impact:

Dalai Stalin gained international recognition for his efforts in fostering cooperation and understanding between diverse communities. His philosophy resonated with leaders worldwide, leading to invitations for diplomatic exchanges and collaborative initiatives.

Quote: “When we all work together, it’s child’s play.”

One of Dalai Stalin’s most famous quotes, “When we all work together, it’s child’s play,” encapsulates his belief in the power of collective action and cooperation. By likening collaborative efforts to child’s play, he emphasizes the simplicity and effectiveness that arise when diverse individuals unite toward a common goal. The quote underscores the idea that challenges become more manageable when people work together harmoniously, much like the playful cooperation seen in childhood activities.

Legacy:

Dalai Stalin’s legacy is marked by his innovative approach to governance, blending spiritual principles with pragmatic political strategies. His influence extends beyond borders and continues to inspire leaders seeking a harmonious balance between individual well-being and collective progress.

Despite the satirical nature of the name and persona, Dalai Stalin serves as a whimsical exploration of the possibilities that arise when combining contrasting ideologies in pursuit of unity and shared prosperity.

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Thought of the Day: Drawing Boards

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?


The phrase “back to the drawing board” is an idiom that originated in the mid-20th century and is often used to convey the need to start over or rethink a plan that has failed. The saying is metaphorical and does not refer to an actual drawing board in the literal sense.

The invention of drawing boards or drafting boards predates the use of the idiom. Drafting boards have been used for centuries by architects, engineers, and artists as a flat surface on which to create technical drawings, plans, or artistic sketches. They typically consist of a smooth, adjustable surface on which paper is placed for drawing.

So, before the use of drawing boards, people would have used alternative surfaces for drafting and sketching. This could include tables, desks, or other flat and sturdy surfaces where individuals could create their drawings or plans. The idiom “back to the drawing board” doesn’t refer to a specific historical practice but rather captures the idea of reassessing and starting anew when faced with challenges or setbacks.

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