Don’t date a tennis player – love means nothing to them.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

I’m going to the annual meeting of impatient people next week.

I cant wait…

I’m so bored with life I’ve decided to read the Oxford English Dictionary from start to finish.

I’m past caring…

My family branded me as a failure.

Then I invented the invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now.

What do dentists call X-rays?

Tooth pics.

Penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers retain heat.

So the oily bird gets the warm.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese.

Who am I to dis a Brie ?

I introduced my ex-girlfriend to my friends.

My wife scolded me, “Don’t call me that.”

My wife suggested I get a telescope, since I was so interested in astronomy.

I told her I’d look into it.

Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”

Me: “That’s literally all I drink.”

How much does a grand piano cost?

£1000.

I’ve got a job organising opera singers within my local region…

I’m the aria manager.

What starts with an “O” and ends with “nions” and sometimes make you cry?

Opinions.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s an oughtobiography.

It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.
Riveting!

Life is like a box of chocolates.
It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

A spa hotel?

It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

My girlfriend has just dumped me as she says I am obsessed with chess.

So far I have managed to keep my emotions in check.

Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address.

Fortunately none of them can read a map!

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service.

One leaned over & whispered: My bottom is going to sleep.

‘I know,’ replied the other, ‘I heard it snore three times.’

A French guest, staying in a hotel in London phoned room service for some pepper.

“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.

“Toilette pepper!” said the Frenchman.

My wife is leaving me because I keep forgetting to take the old coffee filter out of the machine…

She claims it’s grounds for divorce.

My friend bet me £100 that I couldn’t do a butterfly impression…

I thought, ‘that’s got to be worth a little flutter’…

I used to go out with a javelin thrower.

But then she chucked me.

I’m sure this petrol crisis was caused by people talking about it so much it became a self fuel filling prophecy…

Stealing clothes from washing lines.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

I know loads of white sugar jokes..

I don’t have many brown sugar jokes though demerara.

Me, lazy?

Don’t get me started.

A man is at court today for damaging books by putting tippex on all the full stops.

He’s expecting a long sentence.

My motto is “Never say never.”

Which makes it very difficult to tell people my motto.

How does the pope buy things on eBay?
He uses his papal account.

I’ve joined a club for Tourette’s sufferers –
it took 4 hours to get sworn in.

After months of unemployment and bad luck I’ve just been offered a job in a telescope factory.

Things are really looking up.

My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Someone came up to me last night holding a beer and claiming to be a ventriloquist…

But I think it was the drink talking…

I just witnessed a fight between an auctioneer and a hairdresser…

They were going at it hammer and tongs…

My teenage daughter can’t decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer.

I guess she’ll have to flip a coin.

Heads or tales.

I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent.
It goes without saying…

My wife said she wanted to be treated for her birthday.

So I painted her with Cuprinol.

What would confuse a mentally challenged person?
Answer: A pineapple.

I just went past a shop selling wigs for only £5.

They look awful but it’s a small price toupee…

I said to my doctor, “I think I might have ADHD, because I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!”

She said, “That’s not how ADHD works.”

I said, “But I keep losing my Focus!”

What are you going to do in the weekend?

“I’m going to buy glasses.”

“And then what?”

“Then I’ll see.”

Q: Why don’t blind people skydive?
A: It scares the hell out of the dog.

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.

My money’s on Dave.

I rang the vet to complain about over the top fees.

He just put the phone down, as quickly and humanely as possible.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about classical composers. I’ll be Chopin.

Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.

She was still obsessed with her x.

I’ve just joined a new band, we’re called ‘Cat’s Eyes’…

We just play middle of the road stuff.

When I was a child, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup claiming that I loved it…

I didn’t really – he was just putting words in my mouth…

Did you know that there’s no official training for bin men…

They just pick things up as they go along.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today…

The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has just died.

RIP Scott Chegg.

I finally quit drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

Lost my watch at a party once. Then I saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

Robber: “Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!’

Cashier (puzzled) “Did you mean to say “or you’re history?”

Robber: “Don’t change the subject.”

How Many Feminists Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

Ten. One to change the lightbulb and nine to blog about how empowering it was.

I don’t hold grudges, my father did and I always hated him for it.

Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.

Doctor: “It seems you have a severe phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?”

Man: “Can’t say I do.”

Doctor: “Yep, that’s the main one…”

My dad used to say “The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more.”

Great bloke… Terrible anaesthetist…

Jon Bon Jovi has started an extremely strict fruitarian diet.

He’s living on a pear.

What do you call a hippo without a butt?

A hippo-bottomless.

My mate just phoned me to tell me he had changed his name by deed poll to spinal column.

“Can I call you back?” I asked.

I used to drink all brands of beer.

Now, I am older Budweiser!

Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?.
A: He wanted to be a polyunsaturated!

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.

I used to go out with a girl who’s left eye was missing.

She was a right looker…

My friend handed me a peach.

I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

What do you call a one-legged hippo?

A hoppo.

For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening…

Lance is an uncommon name these days, however in medieval times people were named Lance a lot…

Do you know anyone who drinks gasoline?

My mate Gerry can.

Found a joke in the bin today.

It was rubbish.

I watched a coughing contest on TV between residents of Botany Bay, Whitley Bay and Morecambe Bay.

I love the Great British Bay Cough.

Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.

But take a look at me now.

Did you hear about the man who bent down to pick up a sieve and strained himself?

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I went into a bookshop the other day, they had a sale on – 33% off all books.

I bought “The Lion, the Witch.”

I need to get insurance for my 1970’s disco record collection…

I’m taking out an Earth, Wind and Fire and Theft policy…

My computer crashed at work and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening…

I just got goosebumps…

I told some geese it was my birthday.

My aunt’s star sign was cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died …

She was eaten by a giant crab.

Cannibals like to meat people.

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act.

First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil.

Then… hey… pesto!

They say that time is a great healer.

Which would explain why doctor’s surgeries make you wait 3 weeks for an appointment.

Anger management classes…

They’re all the rage.

I’m not really a fan of jokes that use smutty innuendos….

But I do try to slip one in occasionally.

I’ve just been attacked a little ginger boy doing martial arts!!

It turned out to be the carroty kid.

Don’t be a sexist, birds hate that.

To the thief who has stolen my sage, onion and breadcrumbs…

You can go and get stuffed…

I got the best score in ‘Caribbean darts’…

100 and Haiti !!!

I’ve been banned from the Secret Cooking Society…

I kept spilling the beans.

I once did a tandem parachute jump!

I enjoyed it but the bike was a right mess…

Went to a ‘kleptomaniac’s anonymous’ meeting but arrived a bit late.

By the time I got there, all the seats had been taken…

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Sad news, the man who invented the raffle ticket has died…

RIP, Tom Bola.

We’ve got a bird of prey that only dances to 80s music at night…

Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.

Elton John wanted to send his friends an invite to his house for a fancy evening party but couldn’t find the right phrase…

Soiree seems to be the hardest word.

I recently found out I was adopted as a child by a man called Daz…

He’s my non-biological father.

Shania Twain has been boasting online about her new Subaru.

That don’t Impreza me much…

I went to a fancy dress party last weekend dressed as a loaf of bread…

The birds were all over me.

BREAKING NEWS!

Thieves broke into WH Smiths last night and stole A4 files, folders, poly pockets and dividers. Police are looking for a gang of organised criminals…

My wife bought a new oven glove in a bright yellow colour. I kept making puns about it, and now she’s not talking to me.

I probably did take it too far, I mustard mitt…

The woman who created the mobile phone package where you supply your own handset has sadly passed away…

R.I.P Simone Lee.

Lif is too short.