I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car that I was working on?..

The suspension is killing me.

People say I’m condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

I once tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn’t the real McCoy…

I have to confess, I really enjoy my terrible habit for making puns about ‘The Sound of Music’…

It truly is my ideal vice…

I’ve decided that all dad jokes must now be written down on a piece of paper.

It’s not a dad joke unless it’s tearable…

The doctor said I should improve my diet by eating more whole foods.

Just had a bagel and a donut for lunch…

Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.

When in doubt, mumble.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

What’s my mother going to do?

Just sold my John Lennon merchandise collection on eBay…

lmagine all the PayPal…

I found a box of frozen fish in the street the other day.

I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus kippers…

I’ve decided to become a maths teacher, but I’m only going to teach subtraction.

I just want to make a difference.

My nickname at school was Scarface.

I was really good at knitting.

The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is…

…you know what? Never mind. It’s FINE.

My friend Gav died from heartburn this morning.

I can’t believe Gaviscon.

“Mum, why does everyone at school pick on me?”

“I’ve no idea, Someoneyourownsize.”

My mates music collection is amazing!

Well except for a few CDs by this one awful pop act.

So I’m taking Steps to change it.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I changed my password to “incorrect”.

So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

All men eat, but Fu Manchu.

The doctor said I should improve my diet by eating more whole foods.

Just had a bagel and a donut for lunch…

Bread is a lot like the sun.

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

I started my own all natural fertilizer company recently.

I guess that makes me an entremanure!

Despite zero experience, I’m opening a BBQ restaurant next to the courthouse.

It’ll be Trial by Fire.

What sound does a witch’s car make?

Broom broom.

All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary…

Joke’s on them, so are they!

Paul McCartney wrote a book in the 60s about Indian yoghurt based dips.

Paperback raita.

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said “Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place…”

I asked “Are you single??”

She replied “No, I’m a dentist.”

I used to be in an 80s band called ‘The Prevention’.

We were better than The Cure.

I asked Sinead O’Connor which evergreen conifer tree she would recommend.

She said nothing compares to yew…

Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups.

I’ve got to go to the police station later to look at some mugshots…

My wife was upset because she thinks I don’t like her cooking…

So to prove her wrong I had another slice of gravy…

Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler…

My dad sat me down and told me that he used to be a woman.

I thanked him for being so transparent.

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two.

People laugh at my car because it’s ugly and green.

But at least I avocado.

I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

My girlfriend asked for me to bring her something hard to write on.

I don’t know why she got so mad at me.

It’s pretty hard to write on sand.

Wine improves with age.

The older you get, the more you like it.

What ants are small?

Infants.

What ants are big?

Elephants.

What ants are bigger?

Giants.

What do you call a cat with no legs?

Dog food.

Where do sharks go on holiday?

Finland.

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?

Not a fan.

I just made my hamster a strong coffee.

I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel.

The History Channel +1.

Where History repeats itself.

What do you call Postman Pat on the dole?

Pat.

I tried to get into a trendy London nightclub last night.

The doorman said to me,

“Sorry mate, you’ve had too many”.

I replied, “What, drinks?”

He said, “No, birthdays!”

Cowboys don’t roll joints.

They tumble weed.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

And the award for best neck wear goes to…

Well would you look at that!, it’s a tie!

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

I’m not a complete idiot – several parts are missing.

Went to an ABBA theme pub last night.

The toilets were amazing!.

What a loo…!!

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walked into a bar.

The rabbit says “I think I might be a typo…”

I surprised my wife by getting romantic last night…

Best Scrabble score I’ve ever had…

Feeling a bit fed up and been comfort eating all day…

Now my breath smells of fabric conditioner.

I came home drunk last night and didn’t want to wake anyone up so I just stuck two French pancakes to my feet and crêped up the stairs…

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

It’s raining cats and dogs out there.

I know, I just stepped in a poodle.

My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns…

I said, “O.K…..I’ll give it arrest.

First rule of ‘Rick Astley Fight Club’;
You know the rules and so do I…

I have a friend that sells second hand mountaineering equipment…

It’s money for old rope.

My wealthy friend lives in a castle.

For his son’s 5th birthday party they hired a bouncy council house…

It’s ‘Jamaican hairstyle day’ at work next week.

I’m dreading it.

There is a new type of head lice going around which is resistant to conventional treatments.

It’s left scientists scratching their heads…

I’m having this recurring dream where I think I’m a horse.

Last five nights on the trot…

During his time in the army, Bob Marley always polished his boots quietly with no one else about…

He was a buff alone soldier.

I bought a toilet brush yesterday.

But I gotta say I still prefer toilet paper.

What do you call a floating dog?

A good buoy.

I just called the paranoia hotline.

A guy answered, “How did you get this number?!”

I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.

Then you’ll get a “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis.”

Engineers have successfully made a car that can run on parsley.

They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme…

I met my wife on Tinder.

That was awkward.

What’s the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song and Chickpeas can only Hummus one.

I wanted to communicate with a Native American, but I didn’t know how.

Last week I bought an alarm clock made out of spuds.

It’s ok but it’s driving me mad now as the alarm keeps getting me up potato clock.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself, that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

I got invited to Tony the Tigers wedding.

It was a bit of a frosty reception.

What did the police officer say to his belly?

You’re under a vest!!!

A man rushed into a Doctor’s surgery, shouting “help me please, I’m shrinking”.

The Doctor calmly said “now settle down a bit …. you’ll just have to learn to be a little patient”.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

I told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen?

They break out in hives.

What’s the longest word in the English language?

Smiles.

The first and last letters are a mile apart.

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

Two spiders got married and bought their first home.

I was so happy for the newlywebs.

I bought a book titled “How To Scam People Online” about three months ago…

It still hasn’t arrived.

I know a farmer who claims to have the quietest sheep in the world baa none…

My wife just accused me of looking like someone who doesn’t know how to shave properly…

Bloody cheek!

My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.

I told him to steer clear.

I went to a fancy dress competition last night dressed as a giraffe…

I didn’t win but at least I can hold my head up high…

Pub landlord required…

Must have own pub.

Apply with inn.

I’ve been invited to a fancy dress party with a Tupperware theme…

I can hardly contain myself…

Woke up this morning and found I’d swallowed some feathers from my pillow.

My wife said I looked a bit down in the mouth…

I recently took a pole and 100% of the people in the tent were annoyed…

A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting.

I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Plan ahead – It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

I told my boss I needed a pay rise, I said that 3 other companies were after me.

Boss “which ones?”

I said “the electric, gas, & the water”

My girlfriend asked, “would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?”

Turns out “yes I do” was not the right answer.

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

How do you make a bear cross?

Nail two bears together.

My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and hasn’t had a single customer.

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, but don’t worry, the glass ceiling lets in so much light.

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.

Guess I won’t be needing those any more.

I know a mathematician who can’t afford lunch.

He’s binomial.

Purple is my favorite color!

I like it more than blue and red combined.

COLE’S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

To do is to be. (Descartes).

To be is to do. (Voltaire).

Do be do be do. (Frank Sinatra).

I went into the Police station and saw a man with three stripes on his arm and a trifle on his head…

He was the custardy sergeant.

Fun Fact!

Jungle music was actually discovered in the jungle in 1843 by explorer Sir Phillip Drummond-Bass…

Years ago I went on a picnic with Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate.

It started with a quiche…