Tag Archives: Humour

I gave up my job as a taxi driver. I kept driving my customers away. I decided that being a shepherd wasn’t for me. Every time I try to count my flock, I fall asleep. I quit my job at the helium factory. I refused to be spoken to in that tone. I lost myContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Thursday’s thoughtless thoroughfare of thankless thunderclaps …”

What do the Titanic and Sixth Sense have in common? Icy Dead People. I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have some company. I asked my kids if they liked my grandmother. They said she’s a great grandmother. How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?Continue reading “Joke of the Day: Tuesday’s timeworn turntable of terrible tunes …”

Played football last night on a pitch surfaced with rubble and broken bricks. We won 3-1 on aggregate. A lorry has spilled its load of bricks over the road. Police say queues are building. I got some barbeque-flavoured crisps. They taste of bricks and mesh. How do you hire a horse? Put a brick underContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Tuesday’s tram transit of tasty tarts …”

I was in a shop the other day, and there was an empty tester bottle of perfume with a sign saying “out of odour”. Sting has launched an aromatherapy range. It’s a massage in a bottle. I saw someone holding a pair of shoes to his ears. Apparently, he was listening to sole music. AfterContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Friday’s factory fabrication of fish flavoured fries …”

I never go anywhere without my collection of maps. I would be lost without them. I got a new thesaurus recently. It’s nothing to write house about. I’m looking for a book on how to fix automatic gearboxes, but the library only has manuals. Wish I’d never got a tattoo of a bonfire on myContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Thursday’s thrifty thimble of tepid tequila ….”

I was walking around the hospital yesterday looking to visit my Nanna in the daycare center when I noticed a big sign. ‘Stroke Patients Here’ I never did get to visit my Nanna, thanks to hospital security. A fish has been convicted of murder in America. He’s now on Death Roe… A new study revealsContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Wednesday’s wasteful waterfall of weathered walnuts ….”

Went to a trendy restaurant and had a pelican curry. Tasted ok, but the bill was enormous. A friend of mine used to live in a lake filled with ducks but he moved out when he got fed up with all the bills. I’ve been sacked as the singer in a D:Ream tribute band asContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Friday’s fragile fragrance of fantastic fancifulness …”

What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs? An elephant with diarrhea. My 4-year-old daughter just said to me: “Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said on the internet? Isn’t it just inherently dishonest? It seems as though they require positive reinforcement from people on the internet they’ve neverContinue reading “Joke of the Day: Thursday’s trivial triumph of treacherous transgressions ….”

I know a dog who goes and sits in the corner every time the doorbell rings. He’s a boxer. I saw a toddler with a tiny Edam strapped to his bike. Must have been his baby bell. You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. You can tune a piano,Continue reading “Joke of the Day: Monday’s miraculous mansion of manky macaroons ….”