My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
My Twitter password has been hacked again…
This will be the third time I’ve had to rename the dog…
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’
‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’
What breed of dog will unlock your front door?
My daughter asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said, “No, I didn’t even know he could.”
I’ve taught my dog to bark along to ‘Sweet Caroline’.
He’s a bit of a ruff Diamond…
This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought the cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog… we laughed a lot.
I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground…
We went from Barking to Tooting in half an hour.
Buckingham Palace has advertised for a gas engineer who can also walk the dogs…
Must be corgi registered.
I went to the zoo once, there was just one dog in it, it was a shihtzu…
I’ve been teaching my dog to beg.
It’s going well, yesterday he came back with £25!
I’ve named my dog “ten miles” just so I can tell people I walk ten miles twice a day.
The dog is barking at the back door and the wife is yelling at the front door.
Who do you let in first?..
The dog, because he’ll shut up when he comes in.
What do you call a cat with no legs?
I threw a ball for my dog…
It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
Two dogs are sitting in a bar.
The first says, “Wanna hear a joke?”
The second dog says, “Sure!”
The first dog says, “Knock knock.”
The second says… “WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!”
I renewed my car insurance over the phone today, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.
I said, “Yes, I’ve got a dog.”
She asked, “Would you like to insure him too?”
I said, “No thanks, he can’t drive!”
As a kid, I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn’t afford a dog.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that…
I asked my dog what’s two minus two.
He said nothing.
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
What wears a fur coat in winter, and pants in summer?
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
It’s raining cats and dogs out there.
I know, I just stepped in a poodle.
Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
I’m going out covered in meaty chunks, gravy, and biscuits.
My wife just said, “Where are you off to dressed up like a dog’s dinner?”.
I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.
The chap said, “This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?”
I replied, “Dunno, sticks I suppose?”
Played frisbee in the park with my dog yesterday.
Not much good though, I think I’m going to need a flatter dog….
Taking a dog named ‘Shark’ to the beach is a very bad idea…
I know a dog who goes and sits in the corner every time the doorbell rings.
He’s a boxer.
Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the lamp-post.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, “It rings a bell, but I don’t know whether it’s there or not”