Last night I was walking down the street when I saw a guy trying to grab an old lady’s handbag, so I ran over to help.
We got it off her eventually.
The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down.
But it was arson.
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why.
The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking”.
I’ve just stolen a load of swimming inflatables.
I’d better lilo…
I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”.
He’s a small arms dealer.
A lorry load of Brillo pads was stolen last night.
Police are currently scouring the area…
I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons.
He denied it but I’m sticking to my guns.
Our local chiropodist has been arrested as he keeps stealing small pieces of nails after treating patients.
He’s a clipped toe maniac…
My dad said he was going to set me up for life.
Of course, I was excited by the idea.
Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.
Prison may be just one word.
But to some, it’s a whole sentence.
I had to interrogate a duck once.
Eventually, he quacked under the pressure…
I went bobsleighing last night.
Killed fifteen people called Bob.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
The guy who stole my diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.
The police knocked at my door last night…
“Sorry for troubling you sir, but can we have a quick word?”
I said, “Velocity?”
A terrorist attack has blown away two local houses, one made of straw & the other made of wood.
Police think that it’s probably a lone wolf.
Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.
They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.
I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless.
A gang has been caught smuggling jacket potatoes through customs.
They would have gotten away with it but they were foiled.
My friend was sent to prison last year for excessive burping.
He’s finally been let out with a pardon.
Dirty Derek our local flasher was thinking about retiring, but he’s decided to stick it out for another year!
Just got 15 Valentines cards!
It’s left me completely breathless.
That security guard at Clinton Cards gave quite a chase.
Last year I had to steal something to stir my pancake batter with…
But it was a whisk I was willing to take.
I’m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.
How could I stoop so low?
Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream, and butter.
Somebody stole my Microsoft Office and they’re going to pay – you have my Word.
Thank goodness I went to a psychic, she told me someone was going to swindle me out of some money.
Best 100 quid I’ve ever spent.
My Mum’s sister keeps taking the law into her own hands…
She’s a vigilauntie.
News just in:
Local police have acquired 1,000 bees.
They’re believed to be used as part of a sting operation.
I got stopped for speeding by a woman police officer.
I almost talked my way out of it by telling her she looked stunning.
Then I messed up by saying, “And that’s not even the drink talking!”
I got pulled over by a traffic policeman.
He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.
A load of irons were stolen from a launderette…
Police want to do a press conference.
A thief stole the wheels off my car last night.
I’m working tirelessly to catch him.
Don’t talk to me about stealing clothes from washing lines…
I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt…
A warning to the person who stole my glasses.
I have contacts!
I remember when you went to a newsagent with £1 and left with 2 bags of crisps, a chocolate bar, and a magazine.
Nowadays, CCTV is everywhere!
Police are warning of a large volume of fake passports and photo driving licences hitting the black market this month.
Beware the IDs of March…
Worried about someone trying to steal my xylophone.
I’ve taken percussions.
I’ve been offered a job teaching poetry in prisons.
I’m considering all the prose and cons…
A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: ‘What’s the problem?’
The man says, ‘I think I’m becoming a kleptomaniac.’
The Psychiatrist says, ‘Here take these tablets and if you’re no better in a week…. bring me a 4K TV’.
Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him…
He has a history of violins…
I reckon I’m a wanted man for using too much coconut shampoo…
It’s like there’s a bounty on my head…
No one seems to kidnap cheesy 90s pop groups anymore…
I’ve taken Steps to rectify this…
Police want to interview a man suspected of burglary wearing stockings and suspenders…
However, the Chief Constable has insisted they wear their normal uniform.
I saw a van with a “No tools left in this van overnight” sticker on the back.
So I broke in during the day.
I bought a book on eBay called “How to scam idiots on eBay”
That was 3 months ago, and it’s still not arrived yet!
A guy I know called Paul Young was accused of allegedly shoplifting from the butchers several times in one week.
The butcher said to him ‘every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you…’
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
My mate is a professional counterfeiter.
He’s got loads of certificates to prove it.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Now I’m a lot more successful.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that…
To the scumbag that stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my shop!
I don’t know how you can sleep at night.
The police rang me earlier to say they’d recovered my stolen three-piece suite!
Which was nice of them, it was starting to look a bit tatty
My mate Sid’s been a victim of ID theft.
He’s now called ‘S’
I saw a sign on the train saying “Please give this seat to an elderly person”.
So I unscrewed it and took it round to my granddad’s house…
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern!
Police raided Kermit’s lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy.
They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.
To the lad who stole my weight loss pills…
You’ll have nothing to gain.
If you’re a hostage and the gunman says “Who shall I shoot first?”
Saying, “It’s ‘WHOM shall I shoot first?'” is not the best answer.
I’ll never forget my gran’s final words to me. “
What are you doing with that hammer!?”
What do you say to a man who’s just stolen your gate?
Nothing. He might take a fence.
Someone stole all my next-door neighbour’s grass last night.
He’s out there now looking forlorn…
Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped.
The Police haven’t got a lead.
A burglar broke into our house last night. I didn’t shoot him.
I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.
Our three cats did the rest.
I went into the Police station and saw a man with three stripes on his arm and a trifle on his head…
He was the custardy sergeant.
What did the police officer say to his belly?
You’re under a vest!!!
Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.
Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups.
I’ve got to go to the police station later to look at some mugshots…
As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.
But he left me hanging.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 20 years.
Thieves broke into WH Smiths last night and stole A4 files, folders, poly pockets, and dividers.
Police are looking for a gang of organised criminals…
Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.
Why did the burglar steal a bath?
He wanted to make a clean getaway.
To the thief who has stolen my sage, onion and breadcrumbs…
You can go and get stuffed…
Went to a ‘kleptomaniac’s anonymous’ meeting but arrived a bit late.
By the time I got there, all the seats had been taken…
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Robber: “Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!’
Cashier (puzzled) “Did you mean to say “or you’re history?”
Robber: “Don’t change the subject.”
Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.
A man is at court today for damaging books by putting Tippex on all the full stops.
He’s expecting a long sentence.
My wife hates it when I sneak up on her.
Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my wife.
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.
He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.
A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house.
I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted!
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit.
To the person who stole my mattress;
I won’t rest till I find you…
Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium-filled balloons in their luggage.
Cases continue to rise…
2 boys have been stopped by police for riding a vacuum cleaner down a steep hill.
A police spokesman said “those boys were Dyson with death”
What do you get when you cut a Policeman’s Head in 4 Pieces?
Police Head Quarters..
2 policemen knocked on my door last night.
They said “We’ve been getting complaints”
“You should start doing a better job then!” I replied
I get so angry when I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt.
I just can’t take it.
Just been to B&Q with my wife and she got a ladder in her tights…
She’s an amazing shoplifter.
An armed man has just run into an estate agents, and shouted
“What’s your name?” the cop asked when he pulled me over.
“Andy,” I said.
“And your last name?” he asked.
“It’s always been Andy,” I said.
Why do riot police like to get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
I donated 4 litres of blood today.
Never doing it again though.
They ask way too many questions.
Who’s blood is this? Where did you get it from? Why do you have it?
Did you know that you can murder someone with socks?
It’s true. It doesn’t matter what they’re wearing.
Proud of my son he has an anti-bullying wristband.
He took it off a fat ginger kid.
Witness “I saw an octopus rob a bank this morning!”
Reporter “Did he have a gun?” Witness “
No, but he was well-armed!”
Police have found a dead body at a Dominos which was covered in ham, cheese, and pineapple.
Police believe he may have topped himself.
Thieves who stole three tonnes of tarmac are believed to currently be in hiding.
A police spokesman said; “We are hoping that they will resurface soon”.
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