Joke of the Day: Fish

My wife threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today.

It’s okay though,

I only have super fish oil injuries.

I’m a fisherman, and I’m dating a mermaid.

I met her online.

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this guy splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, “I can’t swim! I can’t swim!”

“It’s alright, buddy,” I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, “It says no swimming anyway”.

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain.

This is due to all the indoor fins…

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish.

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice.

1,2,3,4,5 Once I caught a fish alive, 6,7,8,9,10 I’m banned from London Zoo again…

Someone told me that pets settle far better if you let them sleep at the end of your bed…

It’s true, my goldfish hasn’t woken up yet.

My mate used liquorice as bait when he went fishing.

He caught all sorts

I used to know a deaf fisherman.

He wore a herring aid.

What type of fish do two Sodium atoms make?

2Na

I’ve made a telescope from old fish finger boxes…

Now I get a birds-eye view of everything.

I made some fish tacos last night.

But they just ignored them and swam away.

I bought a massive fish from the supermarket today, and when I got home I found out that all its insides were missing.

Gutted.

What do you call a girl who catches fish?

Annette.

My new car runs on fish oil…

It’s turbot-charged.

The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of.

Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.

Took my goldfish to the chip shop and asked ‘do you sell fish cakes?’

‘Yes’ they replied.

‘Great because it’s his birthday.’

If anyone has any decent fish puns, please let minnow…

I found a box of frozen fish in the street the other day.

I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus kippers…

There was a fight in the local fish shop last night.

Two fish got battered.

I’m suing my local fishmongers for selling undersized shellfish.

I’m going to take them to the small clams court…

Did you know, if you put a fish in your ear, you can hear the sound of the fishmonger telling you to put it down and leave his shop…

I lost my job at a fish bait company.

I opened a whole can of worms.

I walked into the fish shop and asked the man for a large fish.’

‘Won’t be long’ said the fish shop man.

’Well it better be wide then’ I said.

Why did the fish cross the road?

Because he saw the pelican crossing.

Not so sure why everyone goes on about genetically modified food.

I had a lovely leg of salmon the other day.

Couple of friends went to a shop selling half-price flat fish.

Cheap skates.

I saw a singing fish once in the Choral Reef.

I went into a fish and chip shop the other day and said I’ll have fish and chips twice.

The guy behind the counter said, “I heard you the first time”.

Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other “how do you drive this thing?”

Saw a fish that keeps musical instruments working properly.

He’s a piano tuna.

I’m in a fish based band.

I play the bass.

For Sale: Replica Fisherman’s Knife (Made To Scale).

It’s the Fishing tournament today.

I hear it’s all online.

Anyone got a good stream?

Went to see a play about fly fishing.

The cast was amazing.

Friend of mine quit his fishing job as he couldn’t cope with his net income.

An angler friend is starting my own small-scale business.

He’s selling goldfish.

Why don’t fishermen like catching clown fish?

They taste funny.

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