Joke of the Day: Medical

I went to the doctors wearing creased clothes.

He says I have an iron deficiency…

My wrist hurts every night at 8:50pm.

My doctor says I have a case of ten-to-ninetis.

My mate Dave was obsessed with cough drops.

He ended up in a menthol institution.

Anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here about a week back?

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked.

“Sorry, force of habit,” I said. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes but not during surgery, Doctor.”

I didn’t think a chiropractor would improve my posture but I stand corrected

I’ve just been diagnosed with ‘70’s fashion disease’.

It flares up now and again…

I just found out I’m colorblind.

It came completely out of the yellow.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I had to amputate your arms”

I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”

“Is this her first child?” he asked.

“No, this is her husband.”

Doctor: Your DNA is backwards.

Me: And?

I’ve been farting classic Mike Oldfield tunes all week.

Doctor said I have tubular bowels…

I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’

He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’

“Doctor, can you hurry up and help me, I’m shrinking!”

“Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient…”

I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend…

My best game of Scrabble ever.

My friend ate some pages from a bible and now he’s ill with psalmonella poisoning…

I had to change dentists.

The last one hurt my fillings.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Went to see a play the other night and soon after had a panic attack.

The doctor told me I suffer from post-dramatic stress disorder!

A dentist and a manicurist had a terrible fight.

They fought tooth and nail.

“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a supermarket”

“How long have you felt like this?”

“Ever since I was Lidl”.

Why do so many people with laser hair want to get it removed?

I used to know a deaf fisherman.

He wore a herring aid.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

I once had bypass surgery…

They took my tonsils out on the A34.

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded ‘Peek-a-Boo virus’…

I’m being transferred to ICU.

If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that’s gone horribly wrong, I’m all ears…

They told me I had typeA blood, but it was a typeO.

I once fainted on a luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport.

I was fine though, I came round slowly…

I’m in hospital!

Don’t Panic! I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodil bulb!

Doctors reckon I’ll be out in the Spring.

Heading down to the Autopsy Club later.

It’s open Mike night.

My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “Do you smoke or drink coffee?”.

I told him I drink it.

A man was admitted to hospital this morning with several plastic horses in his stomach.

A hospital spokesperson has reported that he is now in a stable condition.

My friend was sent to prison last year for excessive burping.

He’s finally been let out with a pardon.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I asked my doctor how to cure water on the brain, and he suggested a tap on the head.

Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

Patient: Good news please.

Doctor: we’re naming a disease after you.

I said to my Doctor; “Can you help me? I got hurt in a pillow fight yesterday.”

He said; “You’ve got concushion.”

The downside of living in my area is that so many people have head lice.

The positive side is, we are a close nit community.

“Doctor, I feel as hot as a baked potato!”

“Please sit down and take your jacket off.”

What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?

They will give you a piece of your mind.

When do doctors get angry?

When they run out of patients.

Don’t break anybody’s heart; they only have 1.

Break their bones; they have 206.

I went on a date with a woman whose online profile said she had an “infectious smile”.

She had cold sores.

I’m hoping to find a cure for my hiccups, but I’m not holding my breath.

I accidentally took some of my cats medicine this morning.

I think I’m OK but don’t ask meow that happened…

My dad suggested I register for a donor card.

He’s a man after my own heart.

I went to the doctor’s today and when I walked in, she said, “I’m sorry about your wait.”

I said, “So am I but it’s okay, I’ve been fat all my life.”

I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream…

I can’t wait to rub it in.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I miss my umbilical cord..

I grew attached to it.

I’m feeling better after having my appendix removed.

Unfortunately, I will never be able to reference this chapter of my life.

People always say “Give blood.” “Give blood.”

But it really freaked the kids out at Christmas.

If I was a plastic surgeon…

I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.

A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: ‘What’s the problem?’

The man says, ‘I think I’m becoming a kleptomaniac.’

The Psychiatrist says, ‘Here take these tablets and if you’re no better in a week…. bring me a 4K TV’.

Therapist: What brings you in today?

Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.

Therapist: How bad is it?

Me: It comes in waves.

I’ve got very sensitive teeth.

They’ll probably be upset I’ve told you.

I like to hit people on the knee to test their reflexes.

I don’t know why, but I get a kick out of it…

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.

I love eye jokes.

The cornea the better.

A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bottom.

The doc takes one look and he says, “Jeeze, it looks like we have one hell of a problem here.”

The guy responds “this is just the tip of the iceberg.”

When it comes to cosmetic surgery…

A lot of people turn their noses up.

I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl…

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant.

We found a match in Argentina.

The operation was a success.

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?

Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

I’ve just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in Tesco!

I’m ok though, just soft tissue damage….

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

I went to the doctor and he said, ‘You’ve got hypochondria.’

I said, ‘Not that as well.

I was telling my doctor earlier how my tennis elbow was really hurting.

She said “how many years have you had it for?”

I said “15 Love”

I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.”

She said, “Which doctor?”

I said, “No, the regular kind.”

Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

A friend of mine thinks the story of how he got an orthopaedic shoe is hilarious but I think he’s built it up too much.

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?

A: The ultrasound people.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day..

She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?”

I said, “All right, but we won’t get much done.”

I said to the doctor, “I feel constepatid!!”

He said, “I think you mean constipated.”

I said, “No, I just had a vowel movement.”

I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’…

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

The condition of the man who was mauled at the Teddy bear’s picnic is said to be improving but he’s not out of the woods yet!

Dentists are going on strike..

Brace yourselves.

I tried getting a doctor’s appointment today.

They said to me “How about 10 tomorrow”?

I said “Just one is enough”

My Dad always used to tell people “laughter is the best medicine…”

Lovely bloke, terrible pharmacist…

They say childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience.

Maybe I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt that much.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.

But my wife insists it says dyslexia.

“I was running away from an erupting volcano and I tripped up on a rock!”

“Krakatoa?”

“No but I twisted my ankle…”

What’s the scariest word to hear from your surgeon?

“Ooops!”

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me…

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

I was eating at a restaurant last night when a waitress screamed,

”Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, ”I know the whole alphabet.”

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

Doctor: “How’s the patient doing, the one who swallowed all the 20p coins?”

Nurse: “No change yet.”

After a call from the hospital, I hurried there and asked the receptionist; “My wife has been rushed here with severe buttock spasms, where is she?”

She said “ICU baby, shakin’ that ass”.

At first, my wife didn’t want to get a brain transplant.

Then I changed her mind.

I’ve got a rare skin condition that looks like I’m covered in camouflage.

I went to the doctor but he said he couldn’t see me…

Did you know people are born with four kidneys?

It’s just that when they grow up, two of them turn into adult knees…

What’s the most helpful medical problem?

A cyst.

Went to the doctors and he told me I needed a pacemaker.

So now I’ve got this annoying Kenyan athlete two yards in front of me everywhere I go!

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said “Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place…”

I asked “Are you single??”

She replied “No, I’m a dentist.”

The doctor said I should improve my diet by eating more whole foods.

Just had a bagel and a donut for lunch…

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:”

I put “DOCTOR”.

What’s my mother going to do?

The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

Judge gave me 20 years.

I met my wife at an arthritis support group…

You know when two people just click?

I was born to be a pessimist.

My blood type is B Negative.

They say that time is a great healer.

Which would explain why doctor’s surgeries make you wait 3 weeks for an appointment.

Did you hear about the man who bent down to pick up a sieve and strained himself?

Doctor: “It seems you have a severe phobia of marriage.

Do you understand the symptoms?”

Man: “Can’t say I do.”

Doctor: “Yep, that’s the main one…”

My dad used to say “The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more.” Great bloke…

Terrible anaesthetist…

What do dentists call X-rays?

Tooth pics.

Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”

Me: “That’s literally all I drink.”

Does anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax?

If you do, please give me a shout.

Doctor: Drink a glass of milk after a hot bath.

Patient: No doctor, I don’t think I’ll have space left.

‘Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat!’ ‘

How long have you felt like this?’

‘Ever since I was a kid!’

“Doctor can you help me, I’ve grown 5 testicles!“

“How does your underwear fit?”

“Like a glove…”

Been sat here waiting for my mates prostate exam for 3 hours now.

Somebody wants to pull their bloody finger out!

Me: “These orthodox shoes are great.”

Wife:”It’s ‘orthopaedic’ shoes.”

Me: “I stand corrected.”

Just been to the doctors and told him I was finishing crossword puzzles too quickly.

He replied ” try not to get two down”

What’s the oldest age someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cut off date.

My sofa bed has been infested with rodents!

It’s a case of futon mouse disease…

How many bones are in your hand?

About a handful.

I’ve been appointed Gary Barlow’s personal chiropractor on a lifetime contract!

I’ve got his back for good!

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

I’ve been using spare face masks to brew espresso…

They make great coughy filters.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.

I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Just so everybody is clear…

I’m gonna put my glasses on.

Gave blood but instead of a biscuit, they gave me some pitta bread and salad.

Think it was a donor kebab.

Found a doctor in Egypt who can help the bones of my spine.

He’s a Cairo Practor.

Went to see a play called Broken Bones.

Amazing cast.

Why are they called “hemorrhoids”?

They should be called “asteroids”?

Me: Doctor, I’ve been bitten by a wolf.

Doc: Where? Me: No, just a normal one.

I think it’s weird that we call childbirth delivery.

It should have been called takeout instead.

What did the doctor say to the patient who insisted on sewing up their own wound?

“Suture self.”

What are you going to do in the weekend?

“I’m going to buy glasses.”

“And then what?”

“Then I’ll see.”

I donated 4 liters of blood today.

Never doing it again though.

They ask way too many questions.

Who’s blood is this?

Where did you get it from?

Why do you have it?

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy?

I hear you ask.

My friend got taken to hospital because he’s convinced that he’s turned into a vacuum cleaner.

Just phoned to see how he is and they say he’s picking up.

Have you heard about the film “Constipation”, you probably haven’t because it’s not out yet.

Whoever invented dentures missed out on calling them …

Substitooths.

Midwives deserve a lot of respect.

They really help people out.

What’s the worst part of an apple addiction?

You can’t see a doctor about it.

Why do nurses always carry red crayons?

In case they need to draw blood.

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

What’s the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

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