Joke of the Day: Countries

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’

I really don’t want to see puns about French eggs on Twitter anymore.

Un oeuf is un oeuf.

How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code.

The Norwegian navy has started putting barcodes on their ships.

So they can scan da navy in.

I failed my Greek mythology exam last week…

I think my lack of revision was my Achilles elbow.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said “No”.

Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland?

Disneyland…

If you don’t sniff the air and go ‘Ooh – someone’s having a barbecue!’, are you even British?!

Nice surprise bumping into my old French teacher yesterday.

She asked what I was up to these days and I said that I like to go swimming with my friend and there’s a cat on the chair…

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They’re both Paris sites.

Why is a German stone intelligent?

it’s not just a stone, it’s ein Stein.

What was Oman called before it officially become a nation?

Oboy.

My flight back from Gibraltar to Glasgow has just been canceled.

Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place…

The doctor I’m seeing for my bad back is Egyptian.

He’s a Cairo-practor.

I gave my French wife a pendant with “le monde” carved in.

It means the world to her.

In Iran everyone is afraid of spiders, but in Iraq, no phobia…

If I owned a German car dealership in Texas I would definitely call it “Audi Partner”…

My mate failed his aboriginal music exam.

I asked him, “Did you redo it?”

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported…

We don’t have Oleg to stand on.

Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

An Australian marsupial hops into a bar and the barman says, “Wallaby?

The marsupial says, “I’ll have a pint, please.”

I keep dreaming that I’m swimming along a river in Paris.

I think I’m going insane…

My mate Simon has moved away to Ho Chi Minh City…

That’s Si gone…

Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?

His name is Juan O’Clock.

My friend said I couldn’t make up any puns about Cuba.

I said “You’re Havana laugh mate!”

Just found out I’ve failed my online German exam.

Sacre bleu!

Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?

And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands.

There are no canaries there either.

Did you hear about that French cheese factory that exploded?

There was nothing left but de brie.

“I went to a karaoke bar in South East Asia once…”

“Singapore?”

“Yeah, they were all rubbish.”

Was a bit worried, I thought I was stung by a suspicious Russian wasp yesterday…

Turned out it was a only cagey bee…

I would get so excited in French lessons that sometimes a little “oui” would come out.

My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her

Iris.

Ancient Egyptian architect: “Do you know how to build a pyramid?”

Ancient Egyptian builder: “Well, err yeah, up to a point.”

Just been offered a job in the south of France…

I thought “Why not?, I’ve got nothing Toulouse.”

My wife kept saying I should treat her like a princess.

So I forced her to marry an old guy she’s never met to secure an alliance with the French.

People always ask me where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend more often lately…

It means a lot to him.

Why does the Dalai Lama go to Vegas so often?

He loves Tibet.

I think my spell Czech is broken.

The World Lumberjack Championships has just finished.

It was won by tree fellers from Ireland.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, and surprised everybody.

It was a Chinese restaurant.

I said to this Chinese waiter, ‘Look, this chicken I got here is cold.’

He said, ‘It should be, it’s been dead two weeks.’

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.

I always see Himalayan there.

What do you call a Welshman with a biscuit on his head?

Dai Gestive.

I had my driveway relaid yesterday by a lovely Scottish chap.

I’d just like to say, ‘Ta, Mac…’

My Spanish bodybuilder friend told me he’s run out of protein powder…

I thought “no whey Jose’!”

What’s a specimen?

An Italian astronaut!

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant.

We found a match in Argentina.

The operation was a success.

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

My local greengrocer has won a contract to supply root vegetables to the South African rugby team…

I thought ‘That’s a turnip for the Boks.’

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair…

Some Chinese bloke pushed a little boat through my letterbox this morning…

Turned out to be junk mail.

What country doesn’t take cash or credit?

The Czech Republic.

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant.

My friend Jack Hughes just got a job as a prosecutor in France…

I went to Kyoto for the ‘World Anagram Championship’…

Turns out it was in Tokyo.

My wife is kicking me out because she’s fed up with my South American animal puns…

‘OK,’ I said, ‘Alpaca my bags.’

The CEO of Ikea was elected President of Sweden this week.

He’s still assembling his cabinet…

Where do sharks go on holiday?

Finland.

How do Mexicans stay warm?

They use chickens for heaters.

Two cold Eskimos in a kayak..

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank..

Proving once & for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

It’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow.

I’m already dreading it…

“I was running away from an erupting volcano and I tripped up on a rock!”

“Krakatoa?”

“No but I twisted my ankle…”

Breaking News The Irish fencing team have withdrawn from the Olympics already!!

They’ve ran out of creosote.

I decided to trace my pet frogs ancestry…

Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.

I’m struggling with these shoes I bought from East Asia..

They came with two pairs of laces but I can only Taiwan…

Bob The Builder has emigrated and set up a new business on a French Mediterranean island…

Can he fix it?

Corsican!

I recently attended a concert in Hawaii to celebrate the career of the woman who sang “Shout!”.

I went to honour Lulu…

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.

He said he couldn’t complain.

What moisturiser do Spanish bullfighters use?

Olay.

I used to work in a Russian napkin factory…

I was in the serviette union…

I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

I applied for a job looking after the Australian marsupials at the zoo…

However I didn’t possess the necessary koalafications…

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my constant puns about Africa.

Kenya believe that?

Ghana miss her if she goes…

I wanted to communicate with a Native American, but I didn’t know how.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

Whenever I eat eggs benedict it reminds me of the time I lived in the Netherlands…

Those were my Holland days…

What do you call your average ancient Greek?

Mediocrates.

I got the best score in ‘Caribbean darts’…

100 and Haiti !!!

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

The people of Dubai don’t watch the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do.

Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

Why Did The Mexican Push His Wife Off The Cliff ?

Tequila !

Someone’s smashed up all the Chinese dumplings I was going to have for my dinner…

It was an act of wonton destruction.

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice.

My gondolences.

Yesterday was awful!

First I got into fight with a man dressed as Shakespeare, then I almost choked on a German sausage.

It just went from bard to wurst.

I was in Tesco on Guernsey the other day, I asked “Where are the beans?”

They said “On the next aisle”.

So I popped over to Jersey…

Why do people normally only have a single egg for breakfast in France?  

Because one egg is an oeuf.

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a pyramid covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

It’s believed to be the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

I bought a Greek salad today. 

He was down on his luck.

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

But how am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh.

There were 2 cats who were in a swimming competition.

One was called “une deux trois”.

One was called “One Two Three”.

Which cat won the competition?

One Two Three.

Because Une Deux Trois Quatre Cinq.

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