Joke of the Day: Pub

My mate works in a pub and likes to dress up as Mother Theresa.

It’s the best fancy dress costume I’ve ever seen, bar nun.

The bartender told me they are about to start Happy Hour.

So he asked me to leave.

Just moved to a really rough area, I went to the local pub for a quiz night and the first question was “What are you looking at?!”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

A jump lead walks into a bar.

The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, and a bit later on I crossed the road.

Then I walked into a bar..

My life is a joke.

If anyone knows any good fruit machine jokes, give me a nudge…

A limbo champion walks into a bar.

He got disqualified.

I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.

He seemed like a decent feller.

Penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman; “Have you seen my brother?”

Barman says “I don’t know, what does he look like?”

An Australian marsupial hops into a bar and the barman says, “Wallaby?

The marsupial says, “I’ll have a pint, please.”

I feel very strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles so I’ve signed a partition…

I went into the pub and ordered four pints of lager.

I was asked if I would prefer a pitcher.

I said, “No, can I have the real thing please…”

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar.

The barman says, “I’m serving Narnia!”

I’ve done a survey on how people walk home from the pub.

The results are staggering…

A duck goes into a pub and the barman says “Waddle it be?”

A toothless termite walks into a pub and asks… “Is the bar tender here?”

Man with authority walks into a bar and orders everyone a round..

My friends accused me of being tight-fisted, so to prove them wrong I bought them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.

Wife: What do think you’re playing at coming home half drunk??!

Husband: I ran out of money.

I went to a pub called “The Old Fiddle” last weekend…

I wouldn’t go there again though, it was a vile inn…

My wife was making fun of me because I always order the worst drink.

It was a cheap shot.

Rich kids have silver spoons.

Poor ones have Wetherspoons.

Took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it – I had it, so I got him Carlsberg instead, he didn’t like that, so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and cider…

By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push his pram…

My wife and I sang “Eye of the Tiger” six times on karaoke night at the pub!

We’re going through a bit of a Rocky patch…

f(x)=2×1 walks into a bar.

The barman says, ‘Sorry, we don’t cater for functions.

Dung beetle walks into a bar and says “Is this stool taken ?”

Pub landlord required…

Must have own pub. Apply with inn.

Went to an ABBA theme pub last night.

The toilets were amazing!

What a loo…!!

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walked into a bar.

The rabbit says “I think I might be a typo…”

I came home drunk last night and didn’t want to wake anyone up so I just stuck two French pancakes to my feet and crêped up the stairs…

I tried to get into a trendy London nightclub last night.

The doorman said to me, “Sorry mate, you’ve had too many”.

I replied, “What, drinks?”

He said, “No, birthdays!”

I saw a guy in the pub last night carrying 12 pints of lager.

I thought that guy can really hold his drink.

Someone came up to me last night holding a beer and claiming to be a ventriloquist…

But I think it was the drink talking…

A bloke came to the pub last night dressed in a black top, black shorts and a whistle.

I said to my mate “its going to kick off in a minute”

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern..

A friend’s pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman.

With him, the glass was always half empty.

A neutron gets a pint and asks how much it is, and the barman says “For you, no charge”.

I went to a pub called ‘The Light Brigade’ recently.

They certainly knew how to charge.

A giraffe walks into a bar and lies down.

A man walks in and says “Why is that lying there?”

The bartender says “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

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