Joke of the Day: Therapy

I used to dread walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn.

But after therapy.. I’ve managed to conker it.

Sting has launched an aromatherapy range.

It’s a massage in a bottle.

I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head.

He said, “Tell me more”.

My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.

I’ve done that, but now what do I do with the letters?

My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin, to draw out excess moisture…

Wow! I’m cured.

The couples therapist said, “So, tell me what brings you here today?”

My wife said, “It’s really difficult to live with him. He’s so literal.”

I said, “My truck.”

My grief counsellor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn’t care.

The therapist said I can get over my fear of buffets…

But first, I’ve got to want to help myself .

A man is talking with his therapist.

The therapist says, “It seems you have a severe phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?”

The man replies, “Can’t say I do.”

The therapist says, “Yeah, that’s the main one.”

I told me therapist, “Last night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”

She said, “I’m glad that you’re finally battling your Damons.”

My massage therapist got fired.

I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.

A therapist was with a client when another client burst in and said, “Doc, you gotta help me! I keep having a nightmare that I’m stuck inside a deck of cards.”

The therapist looked at him calmly and said, “I’m with another client. I’ll deal with you later.”

What did the skier say to the therapist?

My life is going downhill.

Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.

Therapist: Why?

Patient: Yes!

The therapist said to me, “Your wife has complained that you never buy her flowers, what do you say to that?”

I said, “To be honest, I had no idea my wife even sold flowers.”

My therapist refused to help me with my fear of backing up my car.

She said she would under no circumstances perform reverse psychology.

My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.

My therapist said I’m lack toes intolerant.

Me: I’m scared of the Backstreet Boys.

Therapist: Tell me why.

My therapist tells me I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We’ll see about that.

I went to the therapist after my phone died.

I just needed an outlet.

My therapist just told me that my exhibitionism addiction is incurable.

I’ll show her.

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

My therapist warned me that I’m getting addicted to downhill skiing.

She said, “It’s a slippery slope.”

I’m seeing a therapist for my kleptomania.

I’m taking away something valuable from each session.

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