Joke of the Day: Help

Last night I was walking down the street when I saw a guy trying to grab an old lady’s handbag, so I ran over to help.

We got it off her eventually.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.

He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.

Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’

‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’

“Doctor, can you hurry up and help me, I’m shrinking!”

“Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient…”

My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets…

But first I’ve got to want to help myself.

I said to my Doctor; “Can you help me?

I got hurt in a pillow fight yesterday.”

He said; “You’ve got concushion.”

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”.

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

Once I hit my 40s I bought a red sports car and started hanging around maternity wards offering to help deliver babies.

I was having a midwife crisis…

In my spare time, I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

My Great Grandad helped build the lion statues in Trafalgar Square…

That really put the cat amongst the pigeons…

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”

What’s the most helpful medical problem?

A cyst.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?”

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Help please.

The postman dropped a letter on my hall floor today and on the letter it says do not bend.

How do I pick it up?

Found a doctor in Egypt who can help the bones of my spine.

He’s a Cairo Practor.

WANTED: Someone to brush their teeth with me.

Because 9/10 dentists say brushing alone won’t help tooth decay.

Improper Fraction Helpdesk. Now open 24/7

Midwives deserve a lot of respect.

They really help people out.

Today’s jokes are dedicated to Thomas Wikman who kept me coffee while I wrote for you!

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

Published by The Sage Page


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